My Crunchy Christian Life

October 31, 2009 - Halloween

2009-10-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

So it's Halloween! This has always been one of my most favorite holidays - it's fun, you get to dress up, and you get candy. Love it! But this year we have a nearly 4yo who gets scared easily and that put a whole new twist on things. He's watched one too many Scooby Doo cartoons and now he's terrified to go to bed with the lights off because there might be a boogy man or a ghost in his room. So we had tentatively decided not to go Trick or Treating becasue we didn't want to add to his fears. I also started thinking that maybe that was God's way of saying we shouldn't do Halloween anymore. I have lots of friends who don't do Halloween and there have been lots of discussions on the CMF boards and on AFR about the evilness of the holiday.

My own personal thoughts have been that you can shine a light for Jesus even during a holiday that Satan is trying to use for himself. So last year we gave out little cards with Bible verses with our candy and this year I had decided to give out little papers with the "Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin" thing on it. But even up till the last minute I was undecided as to what to do. Was I just compromising so I wouldn't make waves with my family and friends or just so my kids wouldn't "miss out"? I mean, I could just buy them candy, right? And we could dress up ANY day, right? Besides, we had alreay defiantely decided not to go downtown because of all the scary costumes. But on the other hand, we went Trick or Treating last year, so my neighbors might think we were weird to be the only house on the street with out lights off and they would notice if our kids didn't come by their houses...

By today, everything Ian had been seeing on TV is Halloween themed and everyone at church and playgroups had been asking him what he's dressing up as, so when the time came, he wanted to go out. Well, of course, we didn't have a costume, so I just grabbed some play clothes...I told Ian he could be a fireman and Zollie could be Spiderman. That went over like a lead balloon...Ian wanted to be Spiderman (of course) and Zollie wanted to wear the fireman jacket. So here is Ian trying to fit his 4yo body into a 18m sized Spiderman costume and Zollie drowning in a 4yo sized fireman coat. It was adorably cute. I got Ian to compromise and wear red sweatpants over his costume so that the neighbors wouldn't see how the thing only came down to his knees. I dressed up like a pirate, and out we went.

We made it to about 4 or 5 houses on our block and then we hit one that had one of those motion sensors on the door that made a ghost thing moan at us, and Ian was done. I regretted even going out. He's in bed now, with the lights on, telling me how "Zollie is scared of the dark."

Bleh.

We just about ran out of candy at our house, as always. I gave out the little flyers with each of my candy pieces and so I felt a little better about participating, but I still have this nagging feeling that we shouldn't do it at all, no matter how fun it is. I still can't decide what the right answer is. When I hear some people talking about how it's evil and the Bible says "flee from evil" and to dwell only on things that are pure and good, it seems like a no brainer. But then I hear other people talking about how it can be a ministry opportunity...I can reach out to the neighborhood kids for Jesus (because they are going to go Trick or Treating anyway) and how we really aren't celebrating evil, just dressing up and getting candy. It's just not clear cut to me. I guess I get another year to ponder and pray and talk with PG about what we should do next time.

October 26, 2009 - Ian's First Lapbook!

2009-10-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

One of our projects in school last week was to make a lapbook. We found a really neat template off of http://www.homeschoolshare.com/ , which is a FANTASTIC website for finding lapbooks to go with just about any topic. I found one that went with the book Are You My Mother by P.D. Eastman. Here are some pictures of the book once it was all put together!

Here is the cover.

I made the book by just taking 3 sheets of construction paper and folding them in half and then nesting them sinside each other. Then I punched a couple of holes in the bend and ran string through to bind them together. Easy peasy!

These are pages 1 and 2. Page 1 had a little trace the line thing where you "help the baby bird find his mama". Page 2 had an accordian book where Ian matched the right number of baby birds with the printed number and a fold open egg with a chick inside.

Pages 3 and 4 had big B and little b and then baby bird. You could have added white craft feathers to the bird picture, but we didn't have any, so our bird is naked.

Pages 5 and 6 had pictures of the other animals baby bird thought might be his mommy.

Pages 7 and 8 are next. Page 7 has a picture of baby bird's home. Ian got to glue the baby bird into the nest. It suggested gluing leaves, sticks or Easter Grass to the nest, but again, that just seemed too messy for me. Page 8 has an envelope and in it are pictures of mama and baby animals. They fit together like puzzel pieces.

Back cover. It has a layer book with all the animals baby bird thought was his mama. You can go through each and talk about the sounds they make, what their babies are called, etc.

This was a really cute, really fun project! I think we are going to do the one about Fish Out Of Water next!

October 10, 2009

2009-10-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well I'm DONE! I have officially sent in every single piece of work I needed to send in to get my doula certification. Now I just have to wait for it to get ok'd so I can officially apply for certification and get my card in the mail! YAY!

What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!

On a related note, we had a doula meeting last night. There were 6 of us there, in various stages of training. How awesome that there are that many doulas in Greenville now! We're going to open a chapter of the Birth Connection and I've started a Yahoo! Group for us...Eastern Carolina Birth Connection, or ECBC. Very excited! Hope we get lots of members so we can start networking and learning from each other and helping garner clients for each other.

~~~

Now on to homeschooling. Co-op has been going really well, except that Ian cries for the first 5 minutes when I leave him. But he always comes out saying how much fun he had. School at home is going REALLY well. We've done a lot of phonics work and he can READ now! It's so exciting! He can pick up a little book and read it to me with minimal help. It's just amazing...he doesn't turn 4 for another month+ and he's already reading little beginner books with me. *insert teary eye'd emote here*

We've also been working on Rod and Staff preschool books. They have books A-F and we've taken A-C first, then we'll move on to D-F. I hear they are coming out with the next 6 as well, so that should take us through Kindy and then we can pick up Story of the World for 1st.

He's also learning to count in Spanish, which is so cute. And we are working on ASL as well.

~~~

As far as just life in general...as we get closer and closer to Zollie's birthday, my emotional state is taking a downhill turn. On October 14th we'll celebrate 2 years of Zollie's life and 2 months that Anna has been gone. It's hard. Just typing it I'm tearing up. I went to a cloth diaper party this week and it was really difficult being around all those pregnant women and new babies. They were so sweet, and I'm so happy for them, but I should have a big belly by now and it's not fair that I don't.

PG's in Winston Salem today with his Nana helping her move. Memaw is home from the hospital, but she fell down the stairs last week. My poor step-dad lost his uncle, his good friend, and his dog all within 2 weeks.

Live has just been rough around here recently.

But we're making it...we're getting by. We're trusting that God has a plan for all of this.

Ring Sling Give Away on a Friend's Blog!

2009-09-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

Check out this awesome giveaway! GORGEOUS ring sling in honor of Babywearing Week!

Go here!

http://heathergwood.blogspot.com/2009/09/my-very-first-blog-giveaway-in-honor-of.html?showComment=1253712938326#c1022694556562506590

September 21, 2009

2009-09-21T15:56:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged...I think I'm getting to the point where I don't *need* to as much anymore. I guess that means that I'm "moving on" or "working through my grief" or something. Or maybe I've just been busy, or just didn't feel quite up to pouring my heart out again.

I've noticed that I'm not thinking about her constantly anymore. Daily, yes, but not constantly like those first few weeks. School has started back, so two days a week I'm teaching, two more I'm preparing lessons. I'm trying to do homeschool with Ian on a semi-regular basis. We are working on letter sounds and numbers. He's starting to learn his numbers 1-10 in Spanish, and to practice writing letters and counting objects. He's doing really great! His 2's look like 2's.

The most intersting thing that has happened to me lately is that I've learned how to "coupon". My friend Mimi - a fellow LLL Leader - took me to Harris Teeter for the first day of "tripple coupon week" and showed me how to do it. I got about $58 in groceries for just over $16. I'm absolutely hooked. I'm working on getting an organized notebook to keep all my coupons in and all that jazz. PG thinks it's great. I got paid for babysitting Bailey today, so I've got a little extra money now. Maybe I can go again tomorrow (last day of tripples week) and get a few more things.

Saturday we went to Chapel Hill for the ECU game. Cris and Leann went with us. It was a terrible game. ECU looked more like a bunch of guys out playing football together than a team. They absolutely deserved to lose playing the way they did. I honestly don't feel bad about missing the game next week now. We're going to New Bern for a couple of days. PG has a psych conference to go to, so I'm going to take the boys and spend a couple of days with Crystal and her kids. We'll probably get in a few hours of D&D while we are there.

People are still asking me how I'm doing, which is nice. I would rather them ask than to ignore that anything happened. It's hard to see my pregnant friends, though. I've got two who are due within a month of when I should be, so I'll spend the next few months watching their bellies grow, and probably being their doula. I'm so happy for them, and so sad for myself. Is that selfish? I actually thought I might be pregnant again this past week. I was nausious and having an upset stomach. I tested, but it was negative. I didn't know whether to feel sad or relieved.

I found this poem on another blog. She lost her baby to SIDS, and someone had posted this in one of the comments. I don't know the author, but I think it sums me up pretty well:

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

September 8, 2009

2009-09-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today is a Praise day. Looking back over the weekend, God has been providing for us at every turn.

First, a praise that Memaw seems to be doing ok. She's moving fluid better now, so her breathing is easier and her swelling is going down. Her kidneys seem to have peaked out and are on the mend now as well.

A praise for my cousin Rebecca as well. I don't think I've written about her yet...if I have, I appologize for repeating myself. She's in her 30s, a little older than me, and has two sons ages 4 and 7 I believe. She was really sick over the summer and now is in ICU with double pneumonia and sepsis and I don't think anyone is expecting her to ever wake up from the induced com she's in. But last I heard, she "wasn't any worse" which at this point is good news.

So we decided we definately really wanted to go to Crystal's house Sunday night, so we scrounged around and found a whole $11, which was enough to get gas for there and back, but no money for food. We changed clothes after church, packed a bag, and headed out. First stop - gas station of course. Then we swung by the hospital and PG used his cafeteria card to buy some drinks and snack food to take with us. Then we went by McAllister's (Leann gave us a $10 gift card just last week because she doesn't like to eat there). What a blessing! Free lunch!

We got to Crystal's house at about 3 and poor Ian and Zollie had JUST fallen asleep. Well, Ian was immediately awake and ready to play with Alek and Mikhala, and Zollie was off to the races as well (after some serious oohing and ahhing over baby Natilee - he was quite taken with her. He would sit *right* next to her and touch her hair and face, and if you took her away he pitched a fit!). Crystal and I went to Target to get some milk, and while there she got some coffees for us. For the record, Starbucks makes a delicious Caramel Macchiato.

After we got back, Zollie went into whiney mode, so I nursed him to sleep and we put him down for a nap and got down to the serious buisness of playing D&D. Then we took a break for a FANTASTIC supper of bbq pork roast, green beans and roasted potatos. Crystal outdid herself. Then back to D&D, with a break for bath time for the kids (we found it is in fact possible to fit 4 kids happily into a tub, and surprisingly enough, no one's penis got grabbed by anyone else LOL). We got the kids in bed (Ian got to sleep on the top bunk, he was stoked) and then played till about 2am, at which point all the adults crashed.

We woke up Monday morning to the smells of breakfast. Crystal and Dennis were so sweet to let PG and I sleep in while all the kids played. She made wassles (Ian's word for waffles) and BACON, and everyone Loooooves bacon. Then we got another few hours of D&D in while the kids played and then hit the road home.

We had such a good time, and to make it even better, Monday was Labor Day, and Chic-fil-a had a special where if you wore your sports team logo clothing you got a free chicken sandwich. So we hit the one in New Bern for lunch and picked up 4 sandwiches, and then swung through Greenville on the way home for 4 more for supper. Again, God provided for us!

The stress hit at about 7:30 last night, though, when I found out I was sitterless for this morning while I taught. So PG made a call to his grandmother who (praise God again!) was able to come watch the boys for me this morning. Class went really well...we continued talking about plant parts and germination, and both classes started germinating wheat berries. Thursday the younger girls will move on to properties of Matter while the older girls hit Heredity. After I got home, we did lunch and then ALL three of us took a nap! Yay! PG got home at about 3, and Ian did some schoolwork with me while PG rested and changed clothes, then we all walked down to the park for a few minutes before we got ran off by an approaching storm. Back home we did supper and then PG took Zollie for a bath while I headed out to the HOME meeting.

So all in all, it's been a really great weekend. I got a lot of distraction, which I needed, and a lot of normality back, though things will never really be normal again. I'm looking forward to the HOME activities this year and especially co-op for Ian! He's going to love it!

Well, it's after midnight, so I should head to bed. We've got a homeschool park day tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow morning I need to go by and pay for my HOME membership and co-op fee. I hope tomorrow goes as well as this weekend did.

September 5, 2009

2009-09-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

Finally, some good news! The nephrologist says that Memaw's kidney issues seem to have peaked out and should be getting better from this point on. The stint procedure is on permanant hold until things get back to "normal" (there's that word again). Her BP is still fluxuating between a rather good 130/70 to a less good but not quite scary high 160/80. A big problem right now, though, is that she's retaining a LOT of fluids. She's up to 147lbs...this is a woman who is about 5"1 and usually weighs about 110 soaking wet. Mom says her hands look like they are about to pop open they are so tight. She must be miserable.

Today was a pretty good day for me. ECU had its opening home game today against ASU and we pulled out a win during the last few seconds after having led 27-7 at halftime. For some reason I guess the guys figgured they had it in the bag and that they didn't need to show up for the second half. If it weren't for our D, we would have lost, no question. PG's mom had taken the boys for the day so we could go have some adult time at the game. His dad and sister went with us. It was hot...about 89 by the end of the game...and we forgot to put sunscreen on our arms so we are all burned up. Thank goodness that we have 2 Aloe plants at the house.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to church and then head up to Crystal's house to hang out, play D&D into the wee morning hours, spend the night, and some of the day Monday. Then come home and chill out at home and rest up for a 3 day week for PG. He's got Friday off so he can go up to WVU with is dad for the ball game next Saturday.

The boys were so funny today. They had the bean bag chair in the living room floor and they would climb up on the couch and jump off onto the bean bag. Zollie just thought it was the funniest thing...he was laughing and laughing. He's got the best belly laugh. I love hearing it. Then they pushed it into the middle of the floor and would chase each other around it until one of them would trip (or get dizzy) and fall down and then the other would jump on him and they would wrestle around and laugh some more. They really do love each other so much, even if they beat the snot out of each other all the time. Ian was talking ugly to me earlier so I made him sit in time out and sweet little Zollie sat right there by his brother the whole time, just waiting for him to be able to get up so they could play some more. He really thinks Ian hung the moon. They are so precious to me.

September 4, 2009

2009-09-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's easier or harder to keep blogging about what life is like right now. On one hand it's good, I think, to get it all out. But on the other, reliving the day's events, or a couple of days, is painful.

I wanted to go home to be with my randmother this weekend, but we have no gas money, and lots of plans for the weekend. And my sisters are going to be there, and she seems pretty stable right now, so I'm taking the risk of not going in order to try to have a "normal" weekend and I feel horribly guilty about it. So little is normal right now. I'm exhausted. I'm weak from not eating. I don't get restful sleep because I have nightmares all night. Every night I'm dreaming that I'm being stalked, hunted, chased. And I hide, and they find me, and I have to run again. Over and over, every night, different places and different people, but always the same theme. I "sleep" for plenty of hours, but I haven't had a good, restful night's sleep in 3 weeks.

It's been three weeks. Three Fridays ago my little girl was born, unceremoniously, while I was sitting on the toilet. She almost got flushed, but I saw her just in time. So different from my other two births...they were so full of hope and joy and elation, and Anna's birth was just dread, and fear, and sadness.

Three weeks and I'm still crying every day, sometimes many times a day. I was watching Ian today as he explained something in the overly verbose way that only a 3yo can do, and I just started crying because I will never get to hear Anna's imagination at work. I'll never get to see her playing with her big brothers, never see how gentle and protective (or rough and tumble) they would be with her. Never dress her up in pretty dresses or comb her hair or put ribbons in it.

I just feel so crushed by this sadness. Dr Lamson said that the biggest thing for me right now would be to start getting some good sleep, because until I'm rested I'll still not have an appetite and I'll not be able to cope well with these feelings. She's right, and I WANT to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I'm consantly at the end of my rope with the boys. I feel like such a bad mom riht now. I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel good.

I planned to go to LLL last night. I felt like i needed to get back into "normal" stuff again. But when the time came I just didn't want to leave the house. Today I went to the post office and mailed off some more snowflakes with the boys. Then we went to the library. Someone there asked me if they were my only children. I hessitated for that split second that it took me to think "Should I say something about our little girl in Heaven? No, she doesn't want to hear that..." So I just said that I just had the two so far. She smiled...that's what she wanted to hear. Then I felt so bad about it because it was like I was denying Anna existed.

This just sucks.

September 1, 2009

2009-09-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't written in a while. What's been going on?

Still crying at the drop of a hat, still very depressed. I'm not getting restful sleep...I can sleep all night, but when I wake up I'm still exhausted. I'm eating a little better some days. I'm either very hungry or not hungry at all.

Life is awefully cruel. It's apparently not bad enough that I'm having to deal with the death of my baby, I also got a frantic call from mom on Friday saying she was on the way to the hospital with Memaw (that's mom's mom, for those who don't know). Appaently she had woken up in the night, swolen and unable to breathe. My aunt Sherrill took her to the hospital in Greensboro and her blood pressure was 230/160.

Mom stayed with her Friday night - Sunday evening. I came down after church and took over until Monday afternoon. Her bp came down to a reasonable level (it was in the 160/85 range), but her liver enzymes were high (probably because of the bp spike) so they kept checking her blood for that to make sure the levels were coming down. Apparently they came down enough because Monday morning they did a heart cath.

The doctor found a couple of areas from her previous bypass surery that were degrading and causing blockages. He feels like she needs stints, but wants to wait till tomorrow to put those in because he would need to use more dye and doesn't want to overload her kidneys right now.

Mom called me back today and said that Memaw's hemoglobin is so low that the are giving her blood transfusions now. I don't know what that will mean for her cath/stint procedure tomorrow.

Today I taught this morning. Class went well but I'm concerned that some of the girls either aren't takeing school seriously this year because tey are used to public school and Roseleaf is so different, or if we just really need to work on note-taking skills. I gave a quiz today, that the questions were based on their notes and the homework they did the day before, and no one did well on it. I'm concerned about what this will mean long term, but I think I just need to make it clear that this is SCHOOL and they are being held to the same, or HIGHER standards than they were used to last year in public school.

I've got an appointment tomorrow with Dr Lamson. I am still feeling so depressed and some things happened this week that have upset me more...more thoughts, anxiety, just overwhelming sadness.

Well, the kids are playing in the tub and I need to get them in the bed, so I'll head off and do that. We've got a playgroup tomorrow after my meeting with Dr Lamson, and I'm actually looking forward to that. I need to get out, and the boys need to get out, I know that. It's just hard to be around people when it feel awkward, wondering what they are going to say, or if I'll see or hear something that will just set me off crying again.

August 27, 2009

2009-08-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was rough. I went for a blood draw at about 11:30 and when I picked up my lab form I dropped off the list of grief resources I had made up for DeEtte. And then I took the form over to the lab and there it was again...

Missed Abortion

...right there on the form. *sigh* As though I'm not hurting enough already? Let's go stick "abortion" on my paperwork.

So the blood draw went fine, and then I took the boys to the park. It was nice (hot though) because Heather came with her precious little girl who is just a few days from being exactly the same age as Zollie. Heather miscarried a couple of months ago, and so we had a lot to talk about. It was good to talk to someone who had been there and understood what I was feeling. She's pregnant again, now, and is coming up on the 6 week mark when she lost her last little one, so she's understandably nervous.

We talked about how losing one just sucks the joy and carefree-ness out of any future pregnancy. You realize they aren't EVER safe...I know women who have lost babies at any and every point during pregnancy, during labor itself, within hours, days, and months of being born. They are so vulnerable - always at risk. It's a lot easier now to see how moms who have to deal with all the stress and alarms that go with having a NICU baby end up with anxiety disorders.

We came home and the boys took a nap and I tried to be a little productive. I got a load of laundry done - that's good, right? Then PG got home and we had a dinner at church. I had been looking forward to that because the Haiti mission team was going to show off their slide show and we had a Haitian meal. But during the slide show they kept talking about these "beach kids" who are orphans and homeless, and just fend for themselves, and I just wanted to fly down there and bring them all home.

I had a rough night after that. I just wanted to sit and cry. I didn't go to sleep until almost 2am, and then had to get up at 7ish to teach at 8. Class went really well, at least. We learned about bats and the water cycle. The girls have some homework to do for Tuesday and I'm going to surprise them with a little quiz too (if they do their homework they should breeze through the quiz).

After I got home today I got Zollie down for a nap and did some school with Ian. I'm very impressed with him...He got about 23 of 26 letter sounds right on the first try. We practiced drawing straight lines and the # 1 as well. Apparently you can get him to do anything if you just promise he can play with the glitter pens LOL.

Both boys are asleep right now and I should probably be as well. Kenzie is coming back here when she's done teaching at 3:30, and she's spending the night. I need to do some cleaning before PG gets home...I know he's tired of the house looking lie a tornado (a very nasty one, full of dirty dishes and clothes) blew through. I'm just so unmotivated to clean. Bleh.

The good news I got today, though, was that my HCG levels came back at only 68 so I don't need any more bloodwork. Yay! Hopefully that means I don't ever have to see the word "abortion" associated with my name again.

August 23/24, 2009

2009-08-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

I made it to church yesterday, but it was hard. We got there at 9:30 for breakfast, and in walked little Hannah, who is a couple of months younger than Zollie. She was wearing the cutest dress, and for a split second I forgot I wasn't pregnant anymore and thought "Oh I can't wait to buy cute dresses for..." and then I got slammed with realit again. I *won't* get to buy dresses for Anna. I won't get to put her hair up in bows or pigtails. I won't know if she'll be blonde like the boys or a redhead or a brunette like her daddy. I won't know if she'll have blue eyes like me and Zollie or brown like Ian or PG.

Bleh.

Everyone else was very nice and concerned and asked how I was doing. One woman hadn't heard yet and asked me how I was feeling, and I said "so so" and she said "Oh are you still having morning sickness?" so I had to tell her we lost the baby. That was hard, too.

Last night Victoria brought us by a wonderful supper...lasagna, sallad, corn and an apple dessert. She also gave me the Earth Mama, Angel Baby Loss Comfort kit, which was very sweet. It was nice to talk to her about how things were going. She had a stillbirth a few years ago, and we have a lot of similar parenting practices, so I could relate to what she was saying.

Today I've got Bailey, which is always fun. I've got my lesson plans together for tomorrow (just need to make some copies in the morning) and my sisters are coming by to hang out after they buy their books.

~

I sent out my third snowflake today, so I guess that means the ministry is officially up and running. It's called Snowflakes of Hope and the web address is www.SnowflakesOfHope.faithweb.com . I posted on FreeCycle that I was looking for yarn for the ministry and had a ton of responses. The whole back of my car is full of yarn now. I really hope I can bless some grieving families with the ministry. I guess I've got empathy now instead of just sympathy, and I feel like I need to do something with that - something that will honor Anna's memory, bring glory to God, and help some other families at the same time. It makes me think that if I can help others, then Anna's loss wasn't for nothing.

August 22, 2009

2009-08-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

Things you should NEVER EVER say to a woman who has just lost her baby:

1) "There's always next time..."

Wow, where to start...so when your husband dies I can say "Oh don't worry, you can always re-marry..."?? Yeah, it feels the same way when you say it to me. Like just because I can get pregnant again it makes up for the fact that our baby died. :/

2) "Well just remember how blessed you are to have those two boys."

I am. I truely am, blessed beyond words, to have my two boys. I know there are women out there who never get the chance to have their own children and I DO know how blessed I am. But I'm supposed to have THREE children, not two, and just because I still do have two of them doesn't make it "ok" that one is dead.

3) "She was probably just sick." or "It was probably for the best so you wouldn't have a very disabled child."

So because she was sick or would have been disabled, it was for the best? Whose best? I would have loved her anyway, no matter how disabled she was!

Ug...there are more, I'll add them later.

But seriously, folks, if you NEED to say something, just say "I'm sorry." Saying something aweful just to make yourself feel better because you feel the need to "fix" things just makes it worse for me. Everything is not ok, everything isn't going to BE ok for a long time. You can't fix it, and honestly nothing you say is going to make me feel better about it. I know eventually I'll not be so sad, and eventually I might not think about her every day, much less the every single minute of every day thing I'm doing right now. So please, just acknowledge that I'm hurting and don't try to offer trite condolences. Just say "I'm sorry." I just need to know that you care about how I feel and that you acknowledge my loss.

August 21, 2009

2009-08-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a very long day with a lot of highs and lows.

We started out first thing this morning with PG's mom coming by to pick up the boys for an overnight trip. That was very awkward and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She has apologized for what she said, but I'm still just hurting too much to want to be around her right now. I do hope things go well with the boys tonight, though. It'll be Zollie's first overnight trip with her. I hope she doesn't bring him back too late tomorrow because I haven't gotten to nurse him since 8:00 this morning. Interestingly enough, I'm all all full of milk. I mean, I can tell they aren't empty, but they aren't engorged even after 12+ hours. That makes me kinda sad. I can't stand the thought of losing something else this week.

At 9:00 PG and I met with Dr Lamson. We talked about ourselves, how we met, our marriage and kids, and we talked about Anna and PG's parents and other things, too. She was very nice and insightful. I hope I can go back maybe weekly for a while. She said that Find Hope tends to start up in September. I'll be looking forward to that as well.

After that, PG and I went for lunch at McAllisters (yum) and then I dropped him off at work. I had a few hours to blow so I headed to the bank to deposit some checks and then on to the library with the intention of reading a couple of the books on loss that I had checked out. I finished up a book on miscarriage, which told me nothing I didn't already know, and was written in maybe the 80's to boot, so it was pretty dated. Then I started on another one that was just about infant loss and I had to stop about 1 chapter in. This book spent very little time on miscarriage and a lot of time on premature infant death, stillbirth, and "theraputic abortion" which is something I just DID NOT want to read about at all.

So I gave up on the library and went out to the car to call some of the ladies who had emailed me back about my request for yarn on FreeCycle. I spent the next couple of hours driving around town, picking up a plethora of yarn from some very nice women. One in particular had just had a miscarriage in July, so we stood out in her driveway and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. I asked her if she would like me to make her a snowflake, and she said that she thought she was doing pretty good right now, but I would like ot make her one anyway. She gave me a TON of yarn, and she was still pretty raw from her loss, so I just feel like I should send her one.

I also went by The Rock (a Christian book store) to look through their books and was disappointed to see that they didn't have a SINGLE book about dealing with grief or loss (other than some parenting books on how to help your child through a loss). Bleh. I did find a really cute mustard seed pin, though, which now resides on my pocketbook. I've wanted a mustard seed necklace for a while but can't find one, so the pin will have to do for now.

At aout 4:40 I parked at PG's office because I expected him to get out at about 5 and we were looking forward to a date night. While I waited for him I crochetted about 4 snowflakes. He finally came out at 5:30 and we went to Japan Inn and had some delicious hibachi and sushi for supper (and edamame for an appetizer mmmmmmmm) and were planning to go watch a movie but we had an hour until it started so we went to Lowe's just to look around. While we were in there I just started feeling very tired and lightheaded. I told PG I just could barely keep my eyes open and asked if maybe we could just go home and try to catch a matinee tomorrow and he said ok.

So right now we are home. We walked the dogs, and preseason football is on TV. PG is making us some iced coffee and we are eating chocolate. Just for reference, Hersey makes dark chocolate with bits of cranberries, blueberries and almonds in it. It's delicious. You should get some.

When the game goes off we are heading to bed. I'm going to try to get a backrub. In the morning we are going to try to do some housecleaning and then see about a matinee before the boys come home. I miss them.

August 20, 2009 - Keepsakes

2009-08-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

I've gotten some of Anna's things made, and I'd like to share some pictures of them.

This is the butterfly I painted to put on the keepsake box, but I like the box so well by itself that I'm just going to put the butterfly on the kids' door. Ian and Zollie's names are on the door already, so I think it would be nice to have her butterfly there too.

This is her keepsake box. I bought a wooden box with a lid at Michael's and had some really pretty fabric with colored eggs on it that I got from Crystal. I cut the fabric up into pieces and Modge Poged it onto the box. It's so pretty!

Here are her little hat and snowflake that now reside in the box along with the cards people have sent, the u/s photos, and my pregnancy test. I really am sure I'd like to start a snowflake ministry. I'm working on a website for that. It's keeping me busy, which at this point is a good thing.

August 19, 2009

2009-08-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

DeEtte called this morning with my HCG levels. They are at 2000. Apparently that's pretty high, so I have to go back next Tuesday for another blood draw. Joy. Why can't this just be over? It's like rubbing salt into the wound to have to keep going back. I guess he day my levels are back at 0 will be another "date" for my list. *sigh*

I keep seeing pregnant women and I just want to shake them and make sure they know how lucky they are. And I want to run away because it's hard to be happy for someone else who is getting what you want. I guess I'm jealous of those carefree pregnancy days. I'll never have a carefree pregnancy again. I'll probably be scared to death the whole time.

I have an appointment on Friday morning with Dr L. to talk about the Find Hope support group. She says they don't really meet during the summers, but that she provides counceling for individuals or couples who *would* be part of the group during the summer for free. I think PG is going to go with me. My mother in law called tonight to appologize for what she said. She misses the boys. She's going to pick them up Friday morning and keep them overnight so PG and I can have some time alone.

August 18, 2009

2009-08-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

Last night was really rough for me. I got on FaceBook to send DeEtte a message letting her know how much I appreciated her bringing by the ultrasound pictures, and saw that yesterday was the day she got to find out whether she was having a boy or a girl. Her u/s pictures were posted on her page. I'm so happy for her, that she's having a little boy this time and that he's healthy, but I was so so so sad thinking about how different our two u/s outcomes were.

I should be planning my u/s in a couple of months to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I should be thinking about pulling out baby clothes and washing them. I should be planning my birth. But instead I'm looking online for a cactus to bury my baby under. I'm lying in bed, bleeding. I'm hurting so bad. And it's not fair.

I told PG last night, after I had a good long cry, that I think I need to stay away from some of my mom boards for a while because if I hear one more person complain about how they hope their baby comes soon because they are sooo miserable and tired of being pregnant, I'd just scream. He said "It gives a whole new perspective on miserable, huh?" Yes. Absolutely, yes.

I had an appt this morning at 9:30 for my follow up u/s. I dropped the boys off with Suzanne (she has been such an angel this weekend, watching them so much for me) and headed to the office. I was so nervous that there would be something left and they would send me to the hospital. My bp was high. My heart was pounding. I got on the table and, thank God, there was nothing left. It was a relief, but it was horrible to see an empty uterus up there on the big screen TV.

Empty. My uterus is empty. My arms are going to be empty. This house will always feel empty because someone is missing from our family. An emtpy spot in family pictures. Just empty.

I had to head over to get my bloodwork done after the u/s, but I was out of checks so I ran by where PG was working today to get the bank card. Apparently his boss asked who I was and PG told him what had happened and he told PG to take off at lunch today and not to come next Tuesday if he didn't feel up to it. What a sweet man. I'm glad PG is home. He's getting to work out (he's been wanting to all weekend).

I've been thinking about dates. Like for the ticker on this blog, I had to pick my "goodbye to Anna" date. It took me a while to decide when it should be. Aug 13, when we found out she was gone? Aug 14, when she was born? Some random day in July, when she actually died? What will be her memorial date? Her birthday? Her EDD? This is all so confusing. I wonder what other moms who have lost do. It's so complicated because she died so long before we knew about it. 7 weeks gestation is barely anything, but I thought I was pregnant up until 11 weeks, so does that make it ok that I feel so overwhelmed by this grief?

I checked out a few books from the library today on how to deal with miscarriage. I want to read them, but I don't. I doubt they will say anything I don't already know. Does it make it better that other people have been there, done that? That I'm not alone? I have people calling and emailing and sending cards every day. People who have lost babies and know how I feel. But I still feel absolutely alone.

Dr Lamson called back while we were in town. I'll call her tomorrow morning. She said she would be in her office from 9-11am.

I tried to make Anna a little blanket last night, but it didn't come out right. It should have been a square, but instead it's shaped like a snowflake. I thought that was very appropriate. Anna was like a snowflake...uniquely mine, and gone before I could hold her in my hand. I think instead of making hats I'll make little snowflakes. I'll have to think on a name for the ministry. I know snowflake babies usually refers to adopted frozen embryos. Maybe Snowflakes of Hope? I'll think about it.

August 17, 2009, evening

2009-08-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

I got the box finished today. It's so pretty. It still needs the butterfly on top, but it's so nice now that I almost don't want to put the butterfly on it, so maybe I'll paint that and put it on the boys' door with their names instead.

DeEtte dropped off a very sweet card today and inside were 2 u/s pictures. I am so so happy to have them. They are now in the box with all the cards we've gotten, my pregnancy test, and the little hat I made. I'm going to start on her blanket soon.

I got a phone number this morning for the woman who runs Find Hope. PG knows her from work...she's the head of MFT. I left a message with her. I hope she calls me back.

I called the OB office this morning to schedule my follow-up u/s and they want me to come on in tomorrow morning. I don't know why so soon - maybe because it's been 4 weeks already and it took me so long to pass everything? I'll try to remember to ask tomorrow. I'm putting together a couple of pages of info and resources that I want to give them, as well. I'll ask tomorrow if they have something like that already and if not I'll ask them if they would like the one I'm putting together.

I also really think I'll start a little hat ministry where I can make hats for babies who were lost. I'll make a bunch this week in different colors to take by the OB office for their clients. I've already had one request for a hat from a mom on one of the boards I'm on when she found out I was interested in making them.

Every baby deserves something handmade.

PG is trying to get the boys to sleep right now. Preseason football is on TV. You would think it was just any old day. But tomorrow is huge...I find out if I have to go to the hospital for a D&C. I can't imagine there is anything left in there after yesterday. I pray that I'm right.

August 17, 2009

2009-08-17T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I was wrong again. Everything wasn't over.

Yesterday at about 5pm Suzanne and Dave picked up the boys to take them swimming so that PG and I could get some things done. He wanted to work in the yard and I wanted to get started decopaging the keepsake box. Around 7:30 I called to check in and let them know we'd probably be leaving in half an hour or so when PG got back from softball practice.

Just after that DeEtte called and said she was at Bible study but she couldn't concentrate because she was thinking about me so she wanted to call and check in. I told her everything was fine and I would call Monday and make an appt for my follow up ultrasound.

About 20 minutes after that my back started hurting. It felt like everything cramped up on me for maybe 15 or 20 seconds and then went away. I thougth I had just been sitting in the recliner too long, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While I was in there my back cramped up again. I came back to the living room and sat back down in the recliner, leaning over with my head in my hands. Another wave of pain, but this time it wrapped around to my belly. This felt just like my back labor with Ian. I knew I was having contractions.

Again, another million thoughts ran through my head. I thought this was over! What is going on? This is scary. What if that really wasn't the baby and she's still in there? How stupid will I feel then? What if this isn't normal? What if I really start bleeding and need to go to the hospital? Who will watch the boys? Poor Suzanne and Dave...they've gone to such lengths all weekend to help watch the kids...I hate to ask them to watch them longer.

PG opened the door and peeked around. "Are you ok? You've been sitting there with your head down ever since I pulled up." So I told him I was having contractions. By now they were so painful that I felt like moaning. I felt a little gush and went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding pretty heavily...just a constant drip of blood. We were concerned about how much blood there was and didn't know whether this was normal or not. PG finally convinced me to call DeEtte back and so I told her what was happening, and she said she would call Dr Furgason and then call me back. PG called Suzanne back and told her that I was having painful contractions and was bleeding, so we'd keep her updated.

During the next 10 minutes I kept having contractions every couple of minutes and finally as I stood up I felt something coming out...it felt just like birthing a placenta. I told PG to come quick and we went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed the deciduous cast...the lining of my uterus. It had a placenta-like texture and was sack shaped. I immediately stopped having contractions and the bleeding slacked back off.

DeEtte called back and we updated her and she said that hopefully that was everything then, but if the bleeding didn't slow way down to go get the cytotec filled.

We waited around a while to make sure things were ok and then went to get the boys. I think we got home with them around 10pm. I was so so so exhausted...I could barely walk. I just went straight to bed with Zollie and passed out.

This morning PG headed off to work and I talked to DeEtte again to let her know I was ok. I'm home alone right now, but I hope Suzanne will come stay the day with me. I'm just so worn out, physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm running on fumes.

August 16, 2009

2009-08-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

The boys spent the night with Suzanna/Kenzie/Mom again Friday night. So yesterday morning, PG and I got up early and went shopping. We found a pretty pink flower pot for when we get our cactus, then we went to Michael's and I got some small wooden butterflies that I'll paint and glue to the pot. I also got a wooden box that I'm going to decopage some pretty fabric to and use for the keepsakes...I've got cards people sent, and the ultrasound pictures (should find out for sure on Monday if I can get those). I'm also making her a little hat and a little blanket...I did it for my boys so she should get one, too. I found a bigger butterfly I'll put on top of the box when it's finished.

Then we picked up the boys and went to PG's boss's beachhouse at Emerald Isle. They were having a child psych get-together. I thought it would be good to get away for the day. Only 2 or 3 people acknowledged what had happened and talked with me about how we're doing. I know they all spoke to PG at work on Friday, and they all signed a card that they sent, but it was just really awkward for me. I mean, it hurts to talk about it, but all they had to say was "I'm sorry." It was weird. The boys had a good time playing at the beach, though, and the food was good (not that I ate much). I think I really overdid it and shouldn't have done so much so soon. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. Thank God Zollie only woke up one time last night. What a blessing.

We got up this morning and got ready for church. I figgured I needed to go because next week I have to be a greeter and I figgured it would be easier to deal with everyone this week than next week when I *have* to stand at the front of church. I got all the way to the parking lot and just couldn't do it. I can't imagine having 100 people hug me and tell me they are sorry, or worse, not know what happened and just try to chat with me like it's a normal Sunday.

I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm going to see if Lindsay or Susan can watch the boys for a few hours today so I can work on the keepsake box. I feel like I need to be busy doing something.

I think, once everything is over, I'm going to write a letter to the OB office. I want to thank them for seeing me at all, and especially on such short notice, knowing that I was planning a homebirth. I'm going to suggest, though, that in the future they have some sort of packet for moms who have lost their babies with all the support groups and websites. I am also thinking about maybe making a bunch of little hats to take there so that moms who have lost can have a little something to take home with them...EVERY baby deserves something hand-made.

I've been trying to contact the Find Hope support group here - it's at PCMH and is for moms who have miscarried or had a stillbirth - but it's been busy all morning.

Anna Zophia...born ~7pm, Aug 14, 2009

2009-08-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

Everything happened so differently from what I was told to expect, that I'm hesitant to say it's over, but I think it is. I was expecting really serious pain, heavy heavy bleeding and lots of tissue. Maybe because she was only 7 weeks, it wasn't so bad?

I had a lot of menstrul type cramps today...just a low, dull ache pretty much all day. I just put a hot rice bag on my belly and that was enough to make it bearable. My boys came home at maybe 6 and of course the first thing Zollie wanted to do was nurse. I had some stronger contractions while he was nursing, but nothing horrible...not as bad as the afterpains after he was born.

I went to the bathroom at about 7pm just to pee and when I wiped there was a couple of clots on the paper, and I almost just tossed it in the toilet, but I saw something that didn't look quite the same so I took a closer look and it was her. So incredibly small. She was maybe 1/2 inch long and just looked like a tiny little kidney bean or field pea, but rounder on one end and more pointed on the other. There was a little cord coming from the concave side, maybe an inch long, and then what I can assume was the placenta, though it wasn't still attached to the cord. It was about the size of a pencil eraser. Definately a different texture than the little clots...they were very soft and squishy and she was firm, like an undercooked bean, but dark brown like the old blood, not flesh colored or anything. Just very surreal, the whole thing.

I thought I would have cried when I saw her, but I just kind of had a scientific curiosity about the whole thing. I wish I had had a magnifying glass. I took a couple of pictures, showed her to PG, and put her in a ziploc bag. We are going tomorrow to get a pretty pot for her flower and a memory box for the nice cards people have given us and the *fingers crossed* u/s photos.

Up until that point, all the blood had been like a normal period, and a mixture of brown and red. Since then it's been like a heavy period and all bright red. My cramps are all but gone...if I pick up one of the boys, they hurt a little more, but I defiantely haven't felt the need for any pain meds or anything. Honestly, if I hadn't known I was pregnant, I probably would have just thought this was a funky pp period since I'm still nursing. I'm a little worried because I haven't bled a lot and haven't passed a lot of tissue. I'll call the mw on Monday and set up another u/s to make sure everything is out. I might take the pictures I took to see if they agree that was her.

Night night, baby Anna. Mommy and daddy love you and we'll see you when we all wake up in Heaven! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers...they would have loved you soooo much.

August 14, 2009 - The loss of our little girl

2009-08-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday - August 13, 2009 at about 1:30pm - we found out our baby had died.

That morning I was at Michael (the boy I babysit)'s house and I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of red in my panties. I had had a little brown once or twice before, but never red, so I was immediately concerned. So of course I started rationalizing. Well maybe when I was "cleaning up" I scratched my cervix or something...or maybe it was tripping over the dog last night - maybe that just jarred things a little.

But within 30 min there was red mixed with brown every time I wiped. I paged PG. I called Glynis and left a message for her to pray. I called Crystal and got her to call Lisa (my midwife) since I couldn't call long distance from Michael's house. Crystal started a prayer thread on CMF for me.

Lisa called me back and I told her what was happening. She said not to panic...sometimes women bleed and nothing is wrong...but she suggested that I see if I could find an OB office that would let me come in for an u/s just to see what was going on. PG called back and I told him what was going on. He told me to call around and let him know and he would meet me whereever.

I called Greenville OB/Gyn first because I knew the midwives there were cool with homebirthers, but none of the appointments people were there (it was lunch time) and I really didn't want to wait an hour+ to find out if I could be seen. So I called Carolina Women's Physicians where DeEtte (a CNM friend of mine) works and asked to speak to her. I told her I just needed to see what was going on, and would her OB be ok with me coming by. She said she would talk to her and call me back. In about 10 minutes she called back and said to come right over, they would get me back as soon as possible.

Michael's dad came to watch all the boys and I met PG and picked him up and we went to the dr's office. Insurance paperwork, then they took us straight to the u/s room. The technician asked when my last period was, but I couldn't think straight. I said "I know I'm 11 weeks today...can we find a calendar" and she counted back and said "Does May 28 sound right?" and I said yes...that was right, I just couldn't think of it at the time. So I laid down on the table and she put the nasty goo on my belly and started looking. I could see my uterus and a dark shape in it. It didn't look baby shaped, so I was almost scared to ask if that was the baby, so I just watched. She asked if I was sure of my dates and PG told her oh yes, she's pretty obsessive about the dates.

The tech measured some things and typed some things and I finally asked said "So what are we looking at..." She said "well this is the fetal pole" and I know I said "So there *is* something in there?" I was actually not even thinking about a heartbeat or anything...I was just happy to hear that I *WAS* in fact pregnant. This pregnancy had been so different...I was never sick or anything...I had been doubting the whole time that I was actually pregnant at all...Kept thining I should take another test just to make sure. Then she said "But I...I'm sorry to say I can't find a heart beat. I'm sorry to have to tell you that."

Reality struck me. It didn't matter that there was a baby on the screen...it wasn't alive. I just bit my bottom lip and tried to hold back the tears. She did another couple of measurements and said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks. BAM. Another smack from reality...she died before the drama with my inlaws. Before my interview with Lisa. Before I had that brown discharge after sex a couple of weeks ago. Before we told Ian or anyone at church or ANYONE that we were even pregnant. She was already dead.

The tech wiped off my belly, gave us some klenex and said she would just leave us alone for a bit and a nurse would come get us to do my vitals and such. I didn't really cry. I was numb. 1000 thoughts going through my head. I need to call Lisa. I need to call mom. Oh God we have to tell everyone. I can't do that. Who will get the boys? My baby is dead. I won't have a homebirth for my 30th birthday now. My birthday will suck. Every year. I will know I should be having HER party and won't. Numb.

The nurse came and had me sit at their little vitals station and took my blood pressure and pulse. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. We went back to the exam room and another nurse came in and took my history. She was polite, but never said she was sorry or anything. I wish she had at least said she was sorry.

Then DeEtte came in. As soon as she walked in we both started crying and I just hugged her. I'm so so glad she was there. We talked about what to expect, how since it had been 4 weeks I really needed something to happen soon because I could get an infection. She gave me a perscription for cytotec to use intervaginally if things didn't happen on their own, and 2 scripts for pain meds. I knew I wouldn't use them. I fold my klenex into interesting shapes. She said that once I miscarry to call and make an appointment for a week afterwards for another ultrasound to make sure nothing was retained. PG asked how long we should wait before using the cytotec and she said no more than 5 days. I just nodded. Cytotec is scary. It causes uterine rupture. I don't want to use it. I don't want a D&C either becaue it could scar my uterus or cause incompetent cervix.

DeEtte says she hates this...but it is one of those things that comes along with having a big family...I know that...it doens't make it hurt less. She hugs me again and says to call if she needs anything. I toss my klenex...it's in pieces by now. I get new ones on the way out the door.

We walk out. I try not to cry as I pass all the happy pregnant women. They shouldn't need to worry about their babies dying. A couple of people give me knowing looks as we leave. I wonder if they have had losses, too?

We get in the car and drive back to where PG's car is parked. I make him call mom and my sisters on the way. I can't talk on the phone. He starts all the calls with "We've got some bad news...Vallere's had a miscarriage." I cringe. I hate that word. It doesn't say what happened. What happened was that our BABY DIED. Miscarriage is such an ugly word...I told him that...that I'd rather he say we lost the baby because that's what happened and miscarriage is ugly. He said he's sorry, he didn't know it bothered me. I didn't either until he had said it. I hate I made a big deal out of it...now he's feeling bad.

We swap seats and I tell him to leave me the phone so I can call Crystal on my way home. He says he needs to check in at work first, so he gets out and talks to his boss for a minute. I lose it and cry in the car. He hangs up and opens my door. "You want me to ride home with you?" *nod nod nod* I get back in the passenger seat. We drive home. I call Crystal. She comforts me. I tried to call Victoria to tell her I wouldn't be at the LLL meeting tonight and could she cover for me. No one answers. I don't want to leave a message. I'll call back later.

PG wants to stop by church to let our pastor know. I call Glynis while he's inside. She weeps with me. She had been praying all day. I hope she doesn't blame God.

PG comes back. The pastor wasn't there - PG left a message with the secretary. We went by and picked up the boys. Ian gave me a sweet kiss as he got in the car. Will we tell him? We get home. PG calls his sister and uncle. He goes outside to call his mom. He comes back in and the phone starts ringing. He says not to answer it, it's her, she knows I don't want to talk, but she wants to leave me a message. She's crying so hard I can't understand her. Good, I think. I hope she's upset after what she said.

My sister and her boyfriend come by. The boys are asleep but they are going to take them for the night once they wake up. We sit and chat. They turn the topic to D&D. I try to hang but I keep zoning out. Our pastor comes. We talk a little. He asks what happened so I tell him about the dr's office. I keep saying she and he asks if we had seen that it was a girl and I say no, I dreamed it though. He asks what will happen now and I say I hope it happens on its own, she'll be very tiny but I hope we can find her.

I realize I didn't ask for an u/s picture. I realize I need to figgure out what to do with her remains. I can't talk anymore. Everyone is talking but me. I wish they would leave. I just want a nap or a shower or something. I just want me and PG. Dave goes to get me some BoBerry biscuits because I haven't eaten all day. I eat one and drink some milk. I'm not hungry.

I say that I need a nap. Pastor takes the hint and leaves. The boys wake up. PG helps them move the carseats into their car and I pack the boys a bag. I love them and I want to be with them but I want to be alone too. I don't want them to see me crying or in pain. I don't know when "labor" will start.

I realize I never called anyone else about the LLL meeting. I feel horrible...I hope no one came.

PG says he needs to get his mind off things and asks if it's ok if he still goes to play softball tonight. I say sure. I figgured I would just take a bath and go to bed anyway. He grieves differently from me...if he needs to go that is ok. He goes to the game. I take a shower. I cry. The hot water feels good. I check myself and my cervix is short. That's good, I think. It was long yesterday. Maybe things will happen fast.

I go back downstairs to post on Facebook and check email and CMF. Everyone is so sweet. It makes me cry to see so many moms who have been through this. The support is so nice. PG comes home and plays online some, then calls his uncle back. They talk for a while. He needed that.

We talk about what to do with her remains. Whether to have genetic testing done. Whether to name her. He says all those things make it harder on him. Now I feel bad again that they are so important to me. We go to bed. We lay and talk for a while. We decide that we have to name her Anna Zophia becaues it would be weird to name another baby that name now. We talk about whether to buy a plant for her or to have her cremated and make a garden stone. I say I'll call some funeral homes tomorrow and ask about prices. He asks if he can go to work. My mom is coming...I'll be fine. He needs to go to get away from here.

We sleep. All night. The first night I've slept all night since I was pregnant with Zollie. I dreamed about being chased. Again.

I hear crying. Is that Ian? Back to sleep. I hear crying? Zollie? Ian? Then I realize they aren't here. Is it the dog whining? Where is PG? I listen. He's in the shower bawling. Do I go to him or does he want to be alone? I go. I reach in and hug him. We cry. He says he was just imagining holding her in his hands and telling her he was so so sorry. I told him that whatever was wrong with her is fixed now. She's all perfect now. But I still miss her and it still sucks and I hate it. We cry some more. I go back to bed. I can't sleep. PG gets ready for work. He says to call if I need him.

I get up and play online. Distraction. I call DeEtte to see if there are any copies of the u/s pics I could have. As soon as she picks up the phone I start crying again. She says she'll ask her dr if they were saved on the computer and if they were she'll get copies for me. She gives me her cell number so if I need her this weekend I can get her directly. I call funeral homes. The first one says it would cost $275. The second one says they've never had that situation before and they'll check and to call back later. I'm not calling back. The third doesn't open till 10. I won't call them back either. We'll just buy a cactus for her. I don't feel right about cremating her anyway. I get on ebay and start stalking a cactus.

It's 10:51 and I'm still waiting on mom to get here. She said she'd stop by the store and get me some pads and klenex. I'm getting crampy. I hope this is it. I hope I can find my daughter's remains. I hope I can take a picture or something and that everyone doesn't think that's nasty and gross. When PG and I were talking about it, he kept saying she's been gone so long and is so tiny I probably won't find her. I said that would be worse for me. He said it would be easier for him. I said she's my BABY. She might as well have been a baby I carried to term. I had a name. I had plans. I had dreams. All gone. He wasn't at that point. I feel bad again.

July 23, 2009

2009-08-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

8w0d

Feeling pretty good today. We got our appt with Lisa rescheduled for Tuesday at 7:30. YAY!

Zollie has been very VERY fussy the last few days. I'm feeling very touched out, and he just wants to be held all the time and nurse all the time...it's wearing on me. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that I shouldn't be fussing at him so much...I know I'm hormonal and he doesn't deserve to be yelled at just because he wants attention. But I've got a VERY short fuse right now!

I've got a pretty exciting few days coming up. Tomorrow, PG's roomie from college - Kiru - is coming to visit. They lived together for a couple of years in the dorms and then went to med school together. He was a groomsman in our wedding, too. I haven't seen Kiru since maybe med school graduation so I'm SO excited to see him! He's never met our kids and doesn't know I'm expecting again. I think Crystal is going to drop by tomorrow to see him as well. We were all very good friends back in college.

Saturday, Kiru will probably be here till lunchtime or so, and then PG is going to go help his sister move. I've got a homebirth meet-up at 4pm that I'm very excited about too. Then church on Sunday, then just 2 more days till we see Lisa!

I can't wait to have our interview. I know PG has a lot of questions for her...we need to come up with a good list. The questions I have are mostly "have you delivered and twins/breech babies" and about what the normal tests she does are and whether we might be able to file those with insurance.

I'll get another pic next week. *I* think I'm showing more, but it could just be wishful thinking.

July 19, 2009

2009-08-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

7w3d

Is it just me, or am I already showing???

DH says I've had this pooch since Zollie was born, but comparing it to the 5wk pic I took...um...I look bigger to me. Anywho, we made it through the whole beach trip without MIL asking if I was pregnant! Woot! So I guess if I *am* showing, it's not enough to set off her preg-dar. Still feeling pretty good, still eating plenty. Haven't thrown up yet, though Zollie has had a couple of diapers that PG had to change because I was gagging myself silly.

Looks like I might have to change my mw appt...PG is on call that Saturday I'm pretty sure. HUGE bummer for me...I really wanted to go see her! And it's not a real appt that I could just do myself, it's supposed to be our interview so it is VITALLY important for PG to be there with me. This might put off telling parents for another month, though if I really am showing now I don't think we can hide it for aother month.

Ian keeps saying he wants God to put a baby gurl in my belly. We haven't really told him yet that there IS a baby in there, I just keep saying "I would like that, too" He's so cute. He's going to be a great big brother again.

July 12, 2009

2009-08-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

6w3d

Felt quite nausious this morning trying to get the boys ready for church. I actually gagged a couple of times. I think I'll take that as a good sign!

I have been really concerned about the health of his pregnancy because it is SO different from my first two. I laid in bed a few nights ago, just praying for God to give me a sign that everything was ok. I begged and begged and finally this picture of a yellow butterfly flashed through my mind and I said "Ok, God...give me yellow butterfly, then I'll know everything is ok". That night I dreamed I was in labor and my awesome hb mw was there (even though I was on a hospital bed? I dreamed I had the other two in a hospital too, so I'm not so worried about that) but my mom wasn't there, and the baby was crowning and I said "I can't have her till Mom is here!" so I just stopped pushing and mom finally got there and out came my beautiful little girl!

I dreamed the other two were boys pretty early on, so I'm feeling pretty sure this one is a girl. Between that dream, and the fact that Ian says maybe 5 times a day "I want God to put a baby gurl in your belly", I'm fairly confident. LOL

So what do I see fluttering right across my path as we're walking home from church today? A yellow butterfly. I totally know what I'm painting on my belly cast this time!

First appt with my midwife is the 25th. It can't get here fast enough. My mom wants us to go to White Lake with her the first week of Aug, so that seems like a good time to tell her I'm pregnant.

On a sad note, PG is hiking up in the Smokey Mountains with Kenzie (my sister) and her boyfriend Adam. They haven't been able to call today, probably no reception, but they called last night when they were fixing to set up camp and PG said "you would have died...I'm so glad you didn't come" Apparently the first day was a LOT of uphill...my sister (who is in great shape) said it was horrid. Adam, however, is apparently a machine. PG said he was barely out of breath!

On a sour note, I told my sister Suzanne today about how I might be able to work as a midwife's assistant and her first words were "can't you get arrested for that" She's never been in favor of us having a homebirth. We can't even really talk about it. I'm seriously having second thoughts about inviting her to the birth. She was at both the boys' births at the birth center, and was great taking pictures and rubbing my feet, but if she's not going to be supportive, I don't know that I want that kind of negative energy here. Maybe I'm just too hormonal. We'll have to see how things play out as the pregnancy progresses. I'll probably wait till 7wk to do a belly shot at this point. Trust me, nothing has changed.

July 5, 2009

2009-08-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone is back to being healthy! We're still skipping church today, because PG doesn't want anyone to get sick and then blame him for it. There seems to be SUCH a stigma about swine flu... it's almost like people see it like a nasty STD heh...

Anyway, revamped EDD is Mar 4, now. We told all three of our sisters yesterday, because we've decided I shouldn't go on the hiking trip this coming weekend, and they would have known something was up. We've told them that under no circumstances should they tell ANYONE. We already have planned how to tell our parents and I don't want that messed up.

I've had actual "morning" sickness this time...nausious and weak till lunchtime, and then RAVENOUS the rest of the day. PG is shocked at how much I"m eating. I am too! My nipples are also REALLY sore. I've been putting Zollie off a lot when he wants to nurse...trying to limit it to maybe 4-5 times a day and twice at night. Even with a good latch, it feels like he's biting me.

I can't wait till the 25th for our midwife appt! I've been making a list of questions for us to ask Lisa when we get there. Ian keeps saying he wants a gurl baby because he already has a boy baby and he needs a sister. That kid cracks me up. He's going to be a great big brother (again!). I can't wait to really tell him that there is a baby in my belly...thus far we've just been saying "how would you like for mama to have another baby?" because we don't want him saying something to his grandparents.

I'm going to try to do weekly belly pics...I'm a couple of days late for my 5wk, but here it is:

June 30, 2009

2009-08-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

Talked to Lisa, my hb mw and we have an interview on July 25! I'm soooo stoked! I have very few questions for her, having doula'd at a birth she attended recently, but PG has quite a few, I'm sure. Or at least he will once he can think clearly.

PG found out Monday morning that he has swine flu. He's been battling a really high fever (103), nausia, fatigue, malaise, acheyness, etc. since then. So far the boys and I are ok. I've been drinking Emergen-C every day and fluid loading. Zollie is still nursing plenty, and Ian is eating well. Praying PG feels better soon. He's so miserable.

Haven't been very hungry today. Had a glass of milk for breakfast, bowl of beef stew for lunch, half a grapefruit and chicken and rice soup for supper, bowl of icecream for a snack. (Fish Food...)

Because the first two tests had such faint lines, I think DH was not really convinced I was pregnant, so he had me get another test today. Line was MUCH darker, so he's definately convinced. I think it was good for me, too, because I haven't been feeling a lot of morning sickness yet, which is unusual for me. It made me feel a lot better seeing a darker line.

((PG ended up having Swine flu. He and the boys took Tamiflu, but I couldn't, being pregnant. PG was the only one who got sick.))

June 27, 2009

2009-08-16T07:41:00.001-07:00

Well, it's official...I gagged pouring a bowl of cereal this morning! That makes me feel better...not that I like being nausious, but just that to me that means a healthy pregnancy.

Today I ate:
Breakfast: cheese crackers, few almonds, apple juice
Snack: handfull of almonds
Lunch: peanut butter on graham crackers, water
Supper: 1/2 peanut butter sandwich, 1/2 pink grapefruit, cup raw broccoli with ranch dressing, water
Snack: banana/strawberry/yogurt smoothie

Still waiting on the midwife to call me back. Missing PG...he's helping his uncle move this weekend and won't be home till tomorrow night. I was at least productive today...got 2 loads of laundry done and the dishes washed!

June 26, 2009

2009-08-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

June 26, 2009
LMP started May 28.
EDD March 7, 2010

Last night, walking home from church league softball practice, I was talking to PG and my sister Kenzie about how it was day 28 so I could technically POAS, or just wait a couple of days to see if I would have another period. PG said "You've still got a pregnancy test in the bathroom closet...why not use it?"

So we all ran home, I pee'd in a cup, and put the drops on the stick.

And waited.

With Ian and Zollie, the lines were always dark and appeared before the control line. So after about 30 seconds had passed, I said "Oh well, maybe next month" and dumped the cup in the toilet. Then I heard Kenzie gasp...then PG gasped. And they handed me the test. And there was the *faintest* line...but it was a line! So of course Kenzie and I got all excited and giddy, and PG said I should get another test in the morning just to check since it was so light. So first thing this morning, PG headed off to work and he told me to go get a test and call him with the results. So I retested and, again, it was faint...but defintely a line!

So we're officially pregnant! And I am SO excited because I get to have a homebirth this time! I called Lisa (the mw I really want to use) and left a message, and then called my two best friends, Crystal and Glynis. We are (cautiously) excited! Well...I'm excited, PG is cautious. He knows I've said before how devistated I would be to miscarry, so he told me today to remember that a lot of early pregnancies don't last, and to not take it too hard if this one doesn't, because it wouldn't be my fault. I realize that, but I would still be very very sad. Anyway, I'm doing a lot of praying for this baby to grow and be healthy. I'm cutting out caffiene and starting the Brewer diet. Yay baby!

Nearing the end

2009-07-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Things are going great with my doula class! I only have a very few things to complete...I need to finish reading my last book and do the book report on that (should be this week), finish my essay (heading to the library after my daycare boy goes home today to finish the first draft), then revise that and send in my final draft, and do a childbirth class survey, which I hope to get done tomorrow.

I'm so excited! I can't wait to be done!

I'm also really looking forward to picking up some clients. I have a few maybe's in the wings that I am hoping will commit soon.

I have a pseudo-webpage now at http://www.yourblessedbirth.blogspot.com/ and hopefully we'll have a real webpage up and coming soon. As soon as I get done with my class, my next goal is to get our birth stories up on the Blessed Birth Blog.

Things around here are going pretty well. Much better this week...last week PG had the flu. Very nasty. But the boys and I dodged the bullet, which was a relief for all of us. PG had to miss a whole week of work, and we pretty much did nothing but clean our house for our 7th anniversary, but it could have been worse, so we are overall pretty happy about how things turned out.

Our garden is going well this year, too. We pulled the biggest zuccini out that I've EVER seen, plus a few more smaller zukes, tons of banana peppers, a few tomatoes, lettuce enough for a number of salads, and the green, jalipino and habanaro peppers are coming right along. The bugs have taken a liking to the collards, so they look pitiful, and the carrots are getting shaded out by the zuke leaves, but otherwise I'm pretty proud of the little thing!

Back from Ocracoke

2009-05-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a weekend camping trip to Ocracoke Island with our friends Glynis and Mike and their daughters Arija and Lydia. We left Saturday morning and drove around to the Hatteras ferry, then a quick ride over to the island. Then we headed to the campsite to set up our tents among the PLETHORA of tiny cacti and sand spurs. Who could imagine that such a beautiful beach could have a campground so incredibly full of painful pricklies!!?? It was quickly deermined that being shoeless was a definate no no.

We fired up the grill and had a nice lunch. Afterwards, we took the kids down to the beach. When we had taken all the sun we could stand, we headed back to the campsite to grill cheeseburgers for supper.

Sunday morning we awoke to rain...which was weird because the forecast for the weekend was supposed to be mid 70's and sunny with a 10% chance of rain. Ah well...that's odds for ya. We had a quick breakfast of bagels and cream cheese, cereal and milk and granola bars and then everyone changed clothes and headed to the beach. The kids all burried PG in the sand and then, after a few restful minutes as a mermaid (LOL) a rogue wave came and nearly drown him. It was hillarious...I don't think I've ever seen him move that fast! It looked like he had 4 arms and legs! We headed back and PG took a cold shower, then we grilled up polish sausages with onions and peppers for lunch.

After we had eaten, Ian and the girls were running around camp playing hide and seek, and poor Ian decided that the backside of the grill was a good place to hide his eyes to count, since he was "it". Unfortunately, the grill was still VERY hot and he burned both of the outside edges of his arms. It happened so fast that I couldn't stop him. I grabbed him up and Glynis dipped some paper towels in the melty ice water in our cooler and I wrapped those around his arms. PG took a look at his arms and decided that it wasn't really bad enough to warrent a trip to the medical center, so he jumped on Mike's bike and rode up to the ranger station and came back with gause and aloe ointment. I got a good look at his arms...the right one had a second degree burn maybe 4 inches long and 2 inches wide, the left arm was a first degree burn maybe half that size. I put some ointment on the bad burn and started wrapping it with gause and Ian laid his head in my lap and fell asleep.

I held him and let him sleep in my lap for an hour or so and then we decided to head into town. We stopped first at the ponys and let the kids see them. Then we headed into Ocracoke Village and hit a couple of stores, and then went on to Howard's Pub for supper. Oh my, their crab dip is AMAZING! We went back to camp and waited for the sun to go down, and then headed back out onto the beach armed with flashlights. We spent the next hour or more chasing ghost crabs around. Ian was petrified of them to begin with, but we finally cornered one and waited until it burried itself in the sand, and then I rubbed the back of its shell. Once Ian saw that, he got up the courage to rub it himself and that was the end of his fear. He was so enthusiastic! He was finding crabs and chasing them all over. Zollie still wasn't sure about them, so he had to be held the whole time, but we still had a blast.

Monday morning we had scrambled eggs, toast with jelly, and sausage for breakfast. DELICIOUS! Then it was time to pack up camp. We headed to the ferry dock to see if we could catch the ferry back to Swan Quarter, and after much hullabaloo, we got onboard and started the 2.5 hour journy back.

The miracle of the whole trip is that Ian has consistantly said that his arms don't hurt. I've been able to touch them, put medicine on them, rewrap them, and he says they aren't painful! The only explaination for that is that God has taken away his pain. I've never seen a healing miracle in person before, but this definately is one! He should be in LOTS of pain...his burns are really nasty. But he hasn't been, and for that I praise God!

You're a what?

2009-05-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

I've quickly found out how few people in my sphere know what a doula is. When I say that I'm a doula, or that I'm getting certified as a doula, very rarely do I see someone's eyes light up with recognition (and when I do, it tickles me pink!). More often, the response is a furrowed brow with their head cocked to one side, asking me "A what?" or "You said you do what, again?" Or, as my pastor said..."A doula? Is that anything like a diva?"

Having answered the question as many times as I have, I've generally found it easier to just go with the short answer.

The short answer is: a labor assistant.

The long answer...the REAL answer...is so much more. Part childbirth educator, part massage therapist, part mother to the mother, part medicalese translator, part councelor, part therapist, part lactation consultant, part waitress...these are just some of the roles of a doula. We support. We encourage. We empower a woman to not only decide what type of birth she wants, but help her to take responsibility for her choices so that she can take all the credit for the outcome instead of handing it over to her midwife or doctor. After all, she is the one doing all the work!

I found a neat video on YouTube that was done by a group in Wilmington. I think it accurately shows why every woman deserves a doula. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDHkDBx-9EQ

Moving right along

2009-05-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm moving right along with my class. I've finished the Doula Skills module now and begun to work on my Reflective Practice paper. I still need to finish the draft for that and turn it in, and then turn in the final paper, do one more book review, and do the Physiology module. And attend my two births, of course! It looks like I might actually get everything finished up within my timeline! I'm so excited!

I also ordered a number of marketing items this past weekend. I'm checking the mailbox every day...I should have my very own buisness cards soon!

In other news, last night I decided to walk down the street to Lost and Found and attend their Wednesday night service. I didn't even realize a church met there...I thought it was just an after school program. But I saw on their sign that they have Sunday morning and Wednesday night services and, since AWANA is over for the year, I had a free Wednesday evening to check them out. Apparently on Wed nights they have a Bible study. Everyone there was very welcoming and nice (one woman even knew what a doula was!). I had been hoping there would be some praise and worship music, but I guess that is only on Sunday mornings. That's really the one thing I don't like about Farmville Presbyterian...the music. I really prefer contemporary worship music. But Pastor Rocky and all the people there are just so great...I guess I can get my music elsewhere if I have to. I'm hoping to get some new guitar strings soon so maybe I can start singing praise and worship with the kids as part of our schoolday. Anyway, I think I'm going to keep trying to go to Lost and Found on Wednesday nights. Last night was very refreshing.

Prayer requests today would include continued prayer for S and D as they get ready to welcome Elizabeth into their family, and for me to know what I need to do to help support them through labor and birth.

I want to praise God for providing me with time to work on my class and ask Him to continue to give me the drive to get all my work done.

Soon, now!

2009-05-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! My first client is due any day now! Officially, baby Elizabeth is due to be born next week. S.'s first child was born a couple of days after her due date, and she's said she feels like this baby will wait that long, too. I read on her FaceBook page today that she feels like the baby has dropped, so maybe it will be soon!

I had a second prenatal appointment with S. and her husband D. this past week. This time I got to go without the kids. I took my birth ball (thank you Glynis for letting me borrow it!) and all of my goodies...teas, oils, candals. I'm really looking forward to this birth! I have been nervous about it for a while for a number of reasons...firstly, because the hospital S. has chosen isn't known for being very supportive of natural birth or breastfeeding and secondly because her first labor was only 7 hours, so I've been concerned that, with the long drive I'll have to make, I might miss a lot of her labor or even the birth. I think I've found peace about it, though. I'm just trusting that God will work everything out.

I'm also trying to focus on some things I've learned in my doula class: that I am not responsible for the birth choices my clients make...they are. My job is not to convince her to stand up to pushy doctors or make birth choices that line up with what I would do in her situation. My job is to support her in her choices and empower her to mke her own choices. I also feel that God will work out the timing as well. If I don't make it to her birth, then I wasn't supposed to be there. If S. and D. are meant to enjoy the birth of their daughter alone, then I won't make it there on time.

The class is going well so far. I've finished the Communications module, other than a paper I need to write. I've also finished a little bit of Physiology, though I've decided to stop that and skip to Doula Skills and hope to get through that before my clients give birth because I feel like the Doula Skills knowledge will be more important in the short term as I feel I have a pretty good grasp of the physiology.

Another exciting thing is that Crystal broke down and had an ultrasound...and I was right! She's having another girl! Natillee Grace should be here mid June. Her 3D u/s pic is adorable! She looks just like her big sister. I absolutely can not wait to attend her birth! It will be my first homebirth! I'm reeeeeally excited to be a part of that!

I'm also hoping to get in touch pretty soon with some teen pregnancy organizations to see if I could work with some of their pregnant teens. I think there are programs through the highschools as well as the crisis pregnancy center. Though I'm nervous about the number of hospital births that would bring in (I really feel that homebirth would be my comfort zone area) I also know that God is calling me to work with that population. My big concern is with the scheduling ...having to leave the kids at a moment's notice as well as what being on call so much will mean for vacation plans and such...but I feel that if God has called me to this, He will work things out. There's no point in wasting energy worrying about tomorrow, right?

In other news (well, related news, at least), I met a young woman the other day while buying some items who could be a potential client. I wish I had had buisness cards with me! But I'm hoping I can go back to the store and drop off some flyers for Blessed Birth as well as for LLL with her. My goal is to get 2 customers by the end of the year. I think I can do that. I'm also hoping I can get this class finished by the time Crystal has Natillee. We'll see about that...I guess I need to buckle down and get working on my paper!

Well, it's late and I'm sleepy...off to bed for me!

Plowing through

2009-03-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

Things are going really well with my CBI class! So why has it been so long since I've updated? Illness. This has been THE sickest winter we've ever had. It's been unbelievable. A couple of months ago we all had the flu (well, Ian got away with an ear infection, but PG, Zollie and I were wiped out). Then a couple of weeks after that, Ian and Zollie had runny noses and a cough. Last weekend we ALL got a stomach virus. It started Thursday night with Ian and Zollie waking up at about 1am puking all over the bed. They both continued to throw up all day Friday. Saturday at about 3 or 4am I woke up sick and spent about 12 hours nausious and throwing up. By Sunday morning PG had it too. He said it was like watching a train wreck...he knew it was coming but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

We had thought it was over this week. I went back to teaching on Wednesday and PG went back to work that day as well. The kids were back to eating normally, everyone seemed fine. Then last night PG said he didn't feel well. I thought he felt hot so he took his temperature...102.6!!! He has been taking Tylenol every 6-8 hours and it's still only getting his fever down to 101. Unbelievable! *sigh*

In other news, Ian seems to be hitting a growth spurt. He's been asking to eat every hour or so. I'm going to give him another week or so of this and then find a really accurate scale so I can weigh him to see if it's time to turn his car seat forward facing. I think it's definately time to put him in Zollie's seat (since it goes rearfacing up to 35 lbs and Ian's seat only goes to 33 lbs...it's an older model). He sure is growing up. I think he's going to eat us out of the house!

As far as the doula class, I've finished about 3 lessons from the communication module. I've hit a big assignment and need to sit and work on it. I'll probably wait till the kids are in bed tonight so I'll have some uninterupted time. I had hoped to work on it today quite a bit, but PG getting sick again ruined that plan. PG's parents were hoping to get the boys and keep them for the day, but they don't want to risk them being carriers of whatever PG has so we'll just have to reschedule. I did, however, get to have my first prenatal appointment with S. yesterday and I think it went really well. We discussed her first birth and her birth plan for this time as well as some relaxation techniques and streaches she can do. She has a good list of questions to discuss with her OB and to ask on her hospital tour and I think I'm pretty comfortable with her birth plans, so - even though the boys were pretty wild the whole time I was there - I think it went great!

Today is the day!

2009-03-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

As of today I'm officially a birth doula in training through Childbirth International. I am just jumping for joy! We ended up with 5 people signing up together and got such a great discount. I got immediate access to all the online materials. Right now I'm just waiting to be matched up with a Trainer and then I can get started on my materials. Yay!!!

The other exciting thing that happened today (because it makes me feel better to share the good news first...) is that our beef arrived! Two friends and I went in together to buy half of a steer and WOW does it feel good to have my freezer overflowing with free range, hormone free beef! We'll be eating steak and roasts for days and days!

So now on to the bad news...last night we were woken at 1:30am by both kids puking on our bed. I wasn't even aware that Ian had gotten in bed with us till he puked on the comforter. They continued to puke on and off all night. Ian finally stopped at about 5am or so. Zollie kept puking all day...I think the last time was right after lunch. Ian seems fine now. He ate a good lunch and supper. And Zollie seemed pretty ok by bedtime. He was drinking juice and stealing bites of pizza. So I'm praying they are ok tomorrow because I REALLY want to go to the homebirth meetup. I'm really hoping they just got some mild food poisoning or a 24 hour bug that is over now. I also need them to be well because Sunday afternoon I'm supposed to go to my first prenatal appt with S. and I do not want to risk getting her sick. Bleh!

So for prayers...pray that the boys are healthy tomorrow and that PG and I don't come down with a stomach virus!

And praise God that everything has worked out for all of us to get signed up for our class! I can't wait to get going!

It's just about time!

2009-03-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

I'm anticipating being able to formally sign up for my birth doula class this week...next week at the latest. We have 6 people who all want to sign up together, and we will recieve a substantial discount for signing up as a group! That's even better news!

I also already have my two births lined up and this Sunday afternoon I will be meeting with one of my clients, S., and her husband, D., to talk about her first birth experience and how this one will be different (or hopefully the same, as she had a really "boring" first birth!). I'm planning to discuss her birth philosophy, help her write a birth plan, and talk with her and her husband about streaches and relaxation techniques they can practice working on together, as well as explain the things I will be able to help them with during labor.

I'm so excited to be meeting with them! S and D and I went to highschool together, and I just really feel blessed that they would allow me to be a part of the birth of their daughter.

I also had the honor of speaking at our local ICAN (International Ceserian Awareness Network) meeting this past Saturday. It was a great opportunity not only to share with the group what a doula does, but also to get information about Blessed Birth out there. Glynis was able to attend as well, which was great! We have some preliminary handouts made and were able to pass out a number of those at both the ICAN meeting and at the clothing swap beforehand.

Praises: I want to continue to praise God for allowing me to persue this calling. I feel really confident that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

Prayer requests: Pray that both of my moms will be able to have the births that they want, with healthy babies and moms. Please also pray that things will work out with their labors in such a way that I will have no problems getting to them on time and will be able to support them in the ways that they need.

Opening doors!

2009-03-08T13:07:00.001-07:00

God is so awesome! He has been opening so many doors recently for me in regards to the doula class. Firstly, He has blessed me financially! I was anticipating having the money for the class by early May, but God has already provided all but $100 between my paychecks and birthday money! I'm just astounded! I did not expect to get nearly as much birthday money as I did! He is so good, and I want to thank ALL of my family for their gifts...you are all so precious to me!

Secondly, my next worry with the class was finding enough births to attend. I will need to attend 2 births in order to be certified. My best friend Crystal is due in June, so I knew I would be able to use her birth as one, but I had no idea how to find a second birth. I was thinking I could call a midwife I knew or contact the Crisis Pregnancy Center and see if they had a mother whom I could attend, but yet again, God provided for me! I was on Facebook the other day, reading through some of my friends' pages, and realized I had a friend from highschool who is due in a few months. I had not even thought about her! I knew she was pregnant, but didn't realize she was as far along as she was. She and I got to talking, and I explained about my doula class and the certification process, and asked her and her husband to do some research online and see if they would like a doula to attend their birth. She just got back with me recently to say that, as long as the hospital had no policy against her having a doula present, they would be happy to have me come and use their birth to help me get certified!

I am just walking on air!

I've also been asked to speak at our local ICAN meeting on Saturday about the role of a doula. I'm excited about that as well, firstly because I think VBAC moms are probably one of the groups who most need an extra support person at their birth, and also because I think it can help get my name out to drum up clients.

Please pray that all goes well with this whole process! I'm also concerned about how attending births will affect my teaching schedule as well as my babysitting schedule. I had already been thinking that in another year or so I would need to stop keeping children in my home on a regular basis so that I can focus more on homeschooling (and also because I will *hopefully* be pregnant or have a new baby within the year). But God has provided in so many ways so far that I really feel like He is ordaining me to be a doula, so I'm sure He will work all of that stuff out in due time.

The countdown is on!

2009-02-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited about starting my doula training! I just got off the phone with Childbirth International and got to ask all of my questions, and I'm even more excited now than I was before (which is barely possible!). The cost of the birth doula program is about $450 and I've discussed it with PG and we agreed that I could keep a quarter of my babysitting and teaching money to go towards the class (up until now, pretty much all of my money has gone straight into the bank to help cover bills). So, after being paid this week, I'm about $100 towards my goal!

My birthday is on Tuesday and any money that I get for that will go straight towards the class as well. Orriginally I had hoped to get started by May 1, but if I go the payment plan route, I might could get started in the next couple of weeks! *squeel!*

On a more sobering note, we are going to have to replace our heatpack downstairs to the tune of $2700 asap. It stopped working Thursday morning and he man who came to look at it said we'd be better off just getting a new one. The one we have has broken down numerous times over he past few years and he was appauled at how high our energy bills are. He said that our utility bills would be so much lower if we got a new, energy efficient model, that it would pay for itself pretty quickly. I was really worried that PG would ask me to put my class off so that all my income could go towards the gaspack, but he said I could keep saving for it. I'm hoping that the sooner I get certified, the sooner I can start finding clients and adding more towards our income.

Prayer requests for now are that we can get financed for the new heatpack and that I can quickly save the money I'll need for the class.

Also, please pray for Ian. He's had an upset tummy all day today. He's been on the potty a LOT, but thankfully no throwing up. I'm going to get him some hot tea to settle his stomach and send him to bed in a few minutes. Please pray that he feels better soon and that it is NOT the stomach virus we all had last year!!!

What I want to be when I grow up...

2009-02-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

I think I've finally figgured it out!

After a year of being a La Leche League Leader, having had 2 wonderful births and attending 2 births as a labor assistant, I am pretty sure I've figgured out what God wants me to do with my life (other than build my family and homeschool my kids, of course...). I feel God calling me to minister to expectant and new mothers as a doula!

I've been researching certifying organizations for a few days now and I've settled on Childbirth International. www.childbirthinternational.org They come highly recomended from a number of women I know from the Christian Moms Forum. To get certified, I'll do an extensive online class, some required reading, a reflective paper, and attend a few births. I really can not wait to get started! I think I should be able to save up enough money to apply to the class in the next couple of months. I'm hoping to start by the first of May - partially because I want to get going and partially because I'm supposed to attend Crystal's birth and would love for hers to count as one of the ones I need for the class.

After I get certified, I'm planning to save up some more money and get a dual certification from Cascade Christian Childbirth Assciation - another organization that certifies doulas, but does so from a distinctly Christian perspecive. I would also love to persue certifications as a childbirth educator and a postpartum doula as well. I feel like there is a HUGE need - especially in our area - for childbirth professionals. Most people around here don't even know what a doula is. Birth is seen as such a medical procedure to be feared and not as a natural and miraculous part of life. There are people, and even members of the medical community, who don't know anyone who has had a natural birth or sucessfully breastfed.

I want to be part of a support network that can reclaim birth from the sterility, timelines and intervenions of a hospital and gift women with the traditional practice of women supporting women through their labors, as has been done for thousands of years, and teach women to trust their bodies again. Pregnancy and birth is a miraculous time...it is our opportunity to take part with God in the creation of one of His children. It breaks my heart to think of the women going through their pregnancy with little or no support, uninformed, scared that their bodies will let them down, and prevented from experiencing the empowerment that comes from naurally birthing a baby like generations of women before them.

I've been talking to my friend Glynis, who also wants to become a doula. We would love to go into buisness together after we both get our certifications. Glynis is an artist by trade (and if you need a portrait done, she is FANTASTIC) and we were discussing her using her skill to do pregnancy and newborn photography and we could work together to do belly casting as well. A long term goal would be to open a boutique where we could showcase Glynis's art, our belly casts, and also sell mother/baby items like blankets, diapers, slings, birth kits...the sky is the limit!

Another part of being a doula and childbirth educator, for me at least ( I don't want to speak for Glynis) is that I would love to volunteer my services to mothers at the women's shelter, crisis pregnancy center, and teenage mother home. I really feel this is a ministry opportunit...to empower and support women and at the same time show them God's love through the miracle of birth.

Please pray for me and Glynis as we embarq on this journey! We will both need to raise the funds to pay for the class and our supplies we will need to run our buisness. Also, I want to praise God for giving both of us such supportive husbands who are standing behind our decision to make this leap.

Also, if you are in Pitt or the surrounding counties, pregnant and looking for a doula, or know someone who might be, contact me! I will need to attend a few births to complete my certification, and will attend those free of charge. My services for those will include 2-3 prenatal visits to discuss your birth plan, relaxation and other natural pain management techniques, and concerns you may have, your expectations of my role at your birth, as well as access to my library, unlimited phone calls, attendance at the birth, and post natal appointments to make sure breastfeeding is going well.

2009-01-21T18:17:00.000-08:00

Oh my, folks, I'm just about in tears. I'm so emotionally overwhelmed at the understanding and knowledge God has revealed to me tonight. I want to share this here...but I'm really excited right now, so if I make little to no sense, just let me know and I'll try to explain better! Here we go...

It all started with PG and I deciding to celebrate Passover with a few friends this year. We decided that, since Jesus celebrated it, and no where in the Bible are we told to STOP celebrating it, and since it was one of the feast days God commanded His people to celebrate, that we should celebrate it. So I've been online, doing research, trying to figgure out what all goes into a Sedar meal. As I was reading through the order of the feast, I was struck by a couple of things. First, there is a point in which the leader breaks a piece of matza bread. I thought "Huh, like Jesus did! He broke the bread at the Last Supper!". Then I read about how a blessing is said over a specific glass of wine and thought, "Huh! Just like Jesus did! He blessed the wine at the Last Supper!"

This got me to thinking about Communion. How we've pulled just those two parts of the Sedar out as Christians and call it Communion. Why did we pull just those two parts out? Because they were the only ones mentioned by name in those passages of Scripture? What about the rest of the supper...why wasn't it mentioned? Well...the obvious answer is because those passages were written to Jews. They would have understood what went on at a Sedar. They didn't need to have it all spelled out. Those two parts were the only ones written about because something was *different* about them. And what was different? That Jesus was telling His disciples "when you do this...remember Me."

Then I thought, now why would Jesus say that? In the Christian church it seems that we've interpereted it to mean "When you break bread or drink wine (ie, have Communion), remember Jesus and His saccrifice. That's why we have Communion so often...at my church it's once a quarter. In other churches it is weekly. But the more I thought about it, the more that just seemed to not make much sense.

So then I did some more digging. Jesus was clearly pointing out these two parts of the Sedar meal for a reason. There are about 15 parts to the meal. What was it about those two parts...the breaking of the bread and the blessing of the wine...that were significant? So I looked up what the meaning behind those two parts were. That is when the real epiphany came! Are you ready for this? This might change your WHOLE THINKING about Communion! So if you aren't ready to NEVER see Communion the same way again, you should stop here.

Ok...I warned you!

Luke 22:19 And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."

The bread part of the meal includes 3 pieces of matza bread. In the Sedar meal, the leader blesses the matza and then breaks the middle piece. Up until that night, the matza of a Sedar meal signified the "swift salvation" of the Jews. They were ousted from Egypt so quickly their bread had no time to rise. The Jews are reminded of their salvation from bondage when the matza is eaten. But when Jesus breaks that middle piece of matza (and yes, I think the breaking of the middle of 3 pieces is significant as well because Jesus is the second of the three parts of the Godhead) he is saying "Do this in rememberance of Me." He wants his disciples to know that every time they eat a Sedar meal, when it comes time to break the matza, they are to remember that Jesus's broken body is THEIR salvation. Do this in rememberance of me...not every time you break bread to eat, but every time you break the matza bread - the bread of the salvation of the Jews - remember that Jesus is their salvation.

Luke 22: 20In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.

Matthew 26: 27Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. 28This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Then there is the wine. It says that after the meal Jesus blessed the wine. This indicates that the passage is talking about the 3rd cup of wine (in a Sedar meal, there are 4 cups). The 3rd cup comes after the meal and is the "Cup of Blessing". Each of the 4 cups of wine signify a promise from God:

Cup 1: I will take you out
Cup 2: I will rescue you
Cup 3: I will redeem you
Cup 4: I will take you to me

Cup 3, the one we are told is the covenant, poured out for the forgiveness of sins...is that not redemption? Jesus, our Great Redeemer! When we do this, we should remember Him and that He has come to redeem us! It also would have made sense to those who were there with Him, because of their Jewish herritage and culture, that Jesus was referring to His relationship with the church as that of a bride and groom. From this site: http://home.comcast.net/~jovial/learn/mc/passover4cups.htm

Note that the 4th cup is "I will take you to me". This is what happens when two people get married. The bride is taken to the groom - they are together. Note how the 3rd and 4th cups parallel the wedding betrothal process of ancient Jewish custom. When a man proposed to a women in ancient Israel,

At a betrothal...
* The man would negotiate a bride price Y'shua paid the Bride price when He died for us and rose again. (Matthew 26:28, Mark 14:24 , Luke 22:20)
* He would hand the bridal candidate cup of wine and say "This is the cup of my covenant" Y'shua did this at the last supper - said these exact words! (recorded in same verses as listed above)
*If she drank it, it meant "I do" She had all the rights of a wife, but no marital
intimacy until the wedding night

At the wedding...
*They’d drink of another cup

So, for me, the take home message is that Communion is just a church instituted rite. Jesus wanted us to celebrate the Passover, but to know that His coming and death changed the way we should look at the symbolism of some of the parts of the feast. Jesus didn't mean for us to have Communion often so that we could remember Him. He meant for us to remember Him when we celebrated Passover...to rememeber that HE is our salation and HE is our redeemer!

How amazin is that?!

Snow Day!

2009-01-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

We FINALLY are having a snow day! It hasn't snowed here in YEARS! Ian was so excited. He stood by the window all day watching it fall. I told him we couldn't go out until the grass was covered, so he waited (pretty patiently) and then we got all bundled up and went out in it. It's so beautiful. It's been snowing (very fine fine flakes) all day. We probably have about 4 inches right now. We even had snow cream for dessert!

On the political front, I'm very glad that we had a smooth transition of power and that it was a safe day for everyone involved. I thought Obama's speach was very well done. I disagree with pretty much all of his platforms, but I'm still praying that God will be able to use him to get His will acomplished.

God always provides!

2009-01-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my last post a prayer request for PG because (among other reasons) our finances have been really tight recently. I have been praying for God to give me another child to watch in my home, but I didn't think it would happen any time soon due to my weird schedule. I teach on Mondays and Wednesdays and the HOME co-op will meet on Fridays, so the only real days I can watch a child are Tuesdays and Thursdays. What are the odds that anyone will *only* need a sitter on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Well, God cares about the details, that's for sure. I got an email the day after I posted that prayer request from a wonderful woman at my church. Her son is in preschool M/W/F and daycare T/Th. She is unhappy with the daycare situation and is looking for someone to watch her son...you guessed it...on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I am SO excited to get this opportunity! She's even hoping that I can include her son with our homeschool activities. All I can say is YAY GOD! She's coming by Sunday afternoon so her son can see our house and we can talk about all the details.

On another note, I just finished reading a really interesting book. It's The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. I've read some reviews online about it and they are mixed. Some feel the book is pure hipocracy, others say it's spiritually eye opening. I'm in the latter group. There were a couple of things in the book that I'm not sure were Biblically accurate, but for 99% of the book, I thought it was very revealing. It gave me a look into the Trinity unlike any I've ever had before, and the first one that actually made sense. It gave me a renewed interest in fostering relationships and how important they are. And it gave me good insight into what forgiveness actually means, which for me was significant, since that is something I've struggled with for years in reference to a family situation. I would definately recomend this book. I would caution the reader to remember that the book is a work of fiction, but the plot sucks you in and you fall in love with the characters. Give it a read, but, as with all things theological, test the idea you take from it against the Bible.

Praises: Praise God for putting this babysitting opportunity in my lap! And for a really fun playgroup this morning with some of my Natural Mama friends.

Prayer requests: Pray that all the details work out well for me to keep this little boy (we'll probalby have to add a rider onto our insurance to cover him). Also, keep praying for PG's anxiety, as well as our homeschool journey.

We're off and running! Or at least, walking quickly...

2009-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

I officially started homeschooling preschool with Ian this week! I was nervous about getting him excited about school - Ian rarely does things (without a significant battle) unless he *wants* to do it, so for the past couple of weeks, PG and I have really been talking it up. "Oh Ian!" says daddy, "I hear you get to start school with mommy next week!" and so on and so forth. It must have worked, at least enough to pique his curiosity.

We're using the Weaver Interlock (their Preschool book) for our spine. It includes Bible lessons, stories with comprehension questions, intro to math (shapes, counting, etc) letter recognition and writing readiness, art projects, nature projects...all sorts of things. It's set up to go 3 days a week, so since my Mondays are booked with Great Worth and teaching at Roseleaf, and Fridays are always iffy in case we are out of town, I've decided to do school Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I also found a GREAT preschool worksheet book at Sam's Club for about $7.50, so that is providing coloring sheets and tracing letters and shapes for us.

For Christmas we got a new bookshelf for the school area. It has 3 shelves up top and a cabinet down below with 2 shelves in it. I have our school books and puzzles on the shelves and all of the art supplies in the cabinet. Zollie and Ian quickly figgured out that the FUN stuff is in the cabinet, so I need to get some sort of lock for it. Alas! My children are soooo resourceful!

So far we've been doing about half an hour first thing in the morning (I can put Zollie in the high chair with some breakfast and read our Bible lesson and story to Ian while he eats his breakfast, and then maybe get in a coloring sheet before Zollie decides he needs to GET DOWN RIGHT NOW) and another 30 min sometime in the afternoon when and if I can get Zollie down for a little nap. I also considder watching things like Sesame Street, Behind the Lions, and Super Why! to be school-related. *nod* My goal is to hit the library at least once every 2 weeks as well. This week we picked up some books that have the colors and animals in English and Spanish.

Prayer requests: 2 big ones this week...First off, PG has been really stressed out lately. His mom has had brain surgery twice now, his dad had an overnight hospital stay for chest pains, we've had all the lead issues with Zollie and getting the house lead free, he's started his fellowship so there are new schedules and coworkers, and our finances are super tight right now. Please pray for peace for him as his anxiety level is really high right now. Secondly, please pray for a relative of mine. She is young and unmarried and due to give birth to a daughter any day now. Please pray for wisdom in making decisions related to her birth and the care of the baby. We have some serious concerns about what her living conditions will be like as well as how involved the baby's father will be.

Praises: God always provides! Praise God for family who is there for you when you need them! Praise God that my mother in law seems to be doing well. Praise God that Ian has been excited about doing school the past couple of days.

Our Stressful Christmas

2008-12-29T03:44:00.000-08:00

We talked in our Sunday School class this week about what, if anything, we would change about Christmas next year compared to this year. Good graceous, what all would I change?

Well first off, I would hope that next year my mother in law is NOT in the hospital up until 2 days before Christmas, with no clear knowledge until that very day that she wouldn't in fact spend Christmas on the neuro ward recovering from a somewhat botched brain surgery that left her leaking spinal fluid for weeks before anyone caught it. I mean, seriously, if you just did brain surgery on someone and they suddenly developed a runny nose, wouldn't you at least test to make sure it's actually snot and not spinal fluid before you sent them home? Apparently not my MIL's doctor! *sigh* Praise God, though, that she seems to be doing much better now. We are still praying for all the feeling in her face and her hearing on the right side to be restored.

The next thing I would change is the decorations at my house. I would like to actually HAVE some next year. A few weeks before Christmas this year we found out that Zollie had high lead levels. We had someone from the Health Dept come by and test around our house and all the miniblinds and windows lit up. Apparently vinyl miniblinds are terrible for lead. They use it to stabilize the vinyl and after a few years they start to break down and lead leaches out into the dust. Then your kids pull the blinds back to look outside and get the dust on their hands, and then put them in their mouth and BOOM, lead absorbtion. So the week before Christmas, while the boys and I were at my moms, PG was home replacing blinds and painting windows to keep the cracking paint under control. I guess this is what we get for buying a house that's nearly 100 years old. So, due to all the work PG was doing coupled with the fact that Christmas light wiring is coated in lead paint, all we put up this year was a wreath on the front door. *sigh* All of our extra Christmas money went into that project, so gifts were sparse this year, though no one seemed to mind. Which leads me to my next change...

I wish everyone else in our family would give sparser gifts next year. We seriously had 2 carloads of stuff to bring home between my folks and PG's folks. WHY does Christmas need to be about how much money we can spend at Walmart and Toys R Us??? I'm really starting to hate Christmas...doesn't that sound aweful? But I am! We hear all season from our pastors and Christian radio stations about how the secular world is trying to take the Christ out of Christmas. We are told to write our legislators to tell them that we DO want to be able to put manger scenes on public property and we are told to boldly say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays. But then we turn around and buy right into the secular, humanist mentality that Christmas is all about the pressents. It really makes me want to vomit. My kids didn't need all that stuff. We had just weeded through and gotten rid of a ton of toys and they didn't miss them at all. I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful. I'm not. I TRUELY appreciate the fact that our family wants to help us out and give us things. I LOVE the new pantry shelves my mom gave me. PG and I LOVE the new TV from his parents. And Ian loves all the stuff he got, too. But I just hate the commercialism of Christmas. I hate that I stress every year about whether we've gotten enough for so-and-so or whether we spent the same on both parents. That's not what Christmas is about! Or, at least that's not what it SHOULD be about. My mom buys stuff all year for us for Christmas, and then she still feels guilty about not getting us enough stuff. We don't need ANY stuff! I'm happy just to get to spend the time with her and watch her with my boys. The boys would be happy just to play with her and their grandpa without any gifts at all.

I also worry about what this is setting up in their minds as far as expectations. I do NOT want my kids turning into greedy monsters. In our home, we don't do Santa. Each child gets 3 gifts from mom and dad/siblings. If 3 gifts was good enough for our Lord, 3 gifts can be good enough for my kids. The Santa thing went over like a lead balloon with my grandmother. She couldn't understand why we would NOT do Santa. I can't understand why she would be upset with us for not wanting to lie to our kids. I will have to answer to God one day for the decisions I made when parenting my children, and I don't want to have Him ask me why I thought it was appropriate to celebrate His birthday with a lie. We haven't even told PG's family that we don't do Santa. I dread that about as much as I dreaded her finding out we plan to homeschool. Oh well!

I suppose that's enough whining for one morning. All in all, we had a very nice Christmas. We got to spend time with family, my house looks splendid after all the work PG put into it, and (other than Ian having 2 random pukes Christmas morning from eating too much junk food) no one got terribly sick.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Sing Happy Birthday to Jesus and make sure to tell your kids the REAL Christmas Story.

Praise: That my MIL is doing so much better and got to spend Christmas Day with us. She missed her grandbabies terribly.

Prayer requests: First, please pray for my step dad's uncle Emmit. He has CHF and was hospitalized Christmas Eve. They drew off a lot of fluid and he was doing a bit better, but it's still touch and go. Secondly, please pray for a cousin who is pregnant, unmarried, and getting very little support from her family. Please pray that she has a safe, healthy birth and makes the right decisions. I may write more about this later, as things develop, but for now I want to maintain her privacy so I will just ask for prayer.

The election

2008-11-04T18:48:00.001-08:00

I've been watching for the past hour or so with a growing sick feeling deep in my stomach as democratic candidates from all different races in NC and the USA win one race after another. I just have a hard time understanding why God is allowing candidates who don't want to protect His ideal for marriage to win. I can't understand why God is allowing candidates who think there is nothing wrong with killing innocent babies during any part of pregnancy for any reason to lead our country or hold positions in our state. I can't understand why the people of this country feel that the economy, which has been bad before and always turns around eventually, is a more important issue than protecting the lives of innocent babies, the ideals of marriage, the very foundations of our country. Are they not able to look past the current crisis to the next generation that is being slaughtered before it is even born?

And then I realized...God is allowing this because He gave us free will. We can choose to follow Him, or we can choose to plot our own path. America has chosen to plot its own path, and we will reap the consequences. Sometimes a todler doesn't learn what "hot" means until they touch the stove. Tonight, America is reaching towards the burner.

I've been in prayer all day for our country. For the direction it has chosen. For the next 4 years. I've prayed that God will work on the heart of whomever is elected, because I don't think ANY candidate is perfect. I've prayed that God will protect us from fearmongering, from terrorism, from crushing financial strain. But I know that, just like any good Father, God sometimes steps aside and lets His children suffer the consequences of their actions and I have to believe that when a nation chooses a leader who believes so differently from what I see to be Biblical truth, there will be consequences to suffer.

God Bless America. Tonight this is more than a slogan, it is a plea.

Children are precious

2008-10-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you...Jeremiah 1:4

Vote Pro Life!

Happy Birthday Zollie!

2008-10-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

Zollie Isaac turned 1 on Tuesday, Oct 14! I can't believe a whole year has passed since his birth. To honor his day, I'd like to share our his abbreviated birth story (I couldn't abbreviate it TOO much...labor was only 5 hours as is!).

One year ago, on Sunday, Oct 14, 2007...We had spent the night with my in laws so that we could watch a football game together on Saturday. Oct 14 was my father in law's birthday, so we had planned to go out to eat on Sunday together. Zollie had other plans!

5:30am: Woke up with contractions. Woke hubby up and we timed them for an hour. They were about 5 min apart and getting stronger. Checked myself and I was about 4-5cm and very effaced with a little bloody show.

6:30am: Called my midwife and asked her if she thought we should head to the birth center. Midway through the call I said "Hang on, I'm having a contraction." She replied, "If you need me to hang on while you have a contraction, you need to come on in." She was right. Got our bag together while PG took a quick shower and mother in law made breakfast for us to eat on the way. We left Ian with them with promises to keep them updated via phone and have them head to the birth center when Zollie was about to arrive so Ian could meet him asap.

7:30am: On the road. The birth center is an hour away. PG and I spend the first part of the ride excited, and the last part pretty quiet as the contractions picked up in intensity and got closer together. By the time we were half an hour away they were every 3 min, lasting a min. I called the birth center and said we were almost there and to go ahead and fill up the tub for me. Decided we are definately having our future kids at home so I don't have to make that ride again!

8:30am: Arrived at the birth center. My mom and sisters arrived shortly after us. Contractions are pretty strong, I'm moaning through them. Midwife checked me and I was 8cm and fully effaced. Got right in the tub. Labored in the tub for an hour or so, then felt the urge to use the potty. Got out and dried off, went to potty. Heard midwife knock lightly on bathroom door and say "Vallere, don't have that baby on the toilet without telling me. I don't care if you want to have him on the toilet, just tell me first." We all laughed about that one.

Around 10am: By now I was back in the tub. PG was sitting on the side of the tub with his feet in the water. I was squatting in the tub, leaning over his legs. He was massaging my back and putting pressure on my hips. Felt the urge to push. Midwife checked me and I was 10cm and got the go-ahead. Sat back in the tub and pushed a couple of times. Felt baby moving down. Another push and my water broke. Baby was crowning. PG applied pressure to my perenium and Zollie was born into his hands at 10:24am. PG caught him and handed him to me while our midwife, nurse, and my mom and sisters looked on. Cuddled in the tub for a little while, then got out and into the bed for the placenta to deliver.

First nursing.

Around 11am: Mother and Father in law arrived with Ian and we sent everyone out of the room so Ian could meet his new brother. He was a little unsure at first but eventually was all smiles!

And here's our little man now!

Thursday and Friday rundown

2008-09-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning, Great Worth met. It was just me and G. again, but we had a nice study about choosing to be submissive as wives and how that is in turn choosing to be obedient to God. The kids had fun playing and watching cartoons while we talked. I'm so glad God has put G. in my life. We are so similar in our parenting and religious beliefs, as well as our financial situations. It's nice to have someone close by who you can really connect with.

After Ian's nap, I sat down with him and helped him make a flower craft out of construction paper. He got to glue all of the pieces into place and that just tickled him silly! The flower went along with what he learned about at AWANA this past week. That is really working out well for us...Ian gets to go have fun for an hour and PG and I get to spend some todler free time together. Ian (without my prompting) drug his daddy over to the fridge to see the flower when he got home from work. Dave and Suzanne came over for supper (and he showed off his flower to them as well). Dave is such an excellent cook! We had a great chicken dish over noodles and steamed veggies while we watched the season opener of Survivor. I haven't watched that show in a couple of seasons, and I don't know that I'll keep up with it this season either. It just seems like so many recycled ideas at this point.

I got Zollie to sleep in his crib again last night, and he actually slept there until about 5am! PG said he got up early and heard him crying and assumed I would get him, but I never woke up, so now I am feeling really guilty that he cried himself back to sleep. I went in to check on him and he was sleeping soundly, but I went ahead and brought him in to bed with us. I didn't intend for him to have to stay in there and cry and I feel horrid about it. The door was closed to our room to keep the dog out, and I guess between that and the storm raging outside I just didn't hear the poor guy. The downside to him not sleeping with us is that by morning I'm full to bursting with milk because he doesn't wake to nurse as often when he's by himself.

This morning, Friday, we got up and breakfasted and watched a few cartoons. Ian knows all the words to the themesong of the Wonder Pets. It's so cute to hear him singing that along with the show! He's really talking up a storm now...and to think that at one point we were taking him to a speach therapist because we were concerned. Around lunch time we walked downtown so I could pay the electric bill and then went to see the fountain in front of Town Hall. The last time we were at it, we gave Ian a penny and told him to wish for ice cream when we got home and toss the penny in. Today I told him to wish for popcorn as I handed him a penny. He mumbled something under his breath and threw the penny in. I said "Did you wish for popcorn?" and he said "No, I wished for icecream!" The little stinker!

We then walked over to the Salvation Army where I found a cute khaki skirt for $1.70 and a couple of foam books to give Zollie for his birthday. Score! I can't believe, though, that my little baby is fixing to turn 1. We are planning to grill out and have a banana split bar for his party. I'll make him a little cake, of course, but I think banana splits will be so fun!

Once we got home, I gave Ian a tiny cup of ice cream and then put him down for a nap. He's passed out right now...though I don't know how...Zollie is playing in his room at the moment. That kid can sleep through anything! I promised him we could blow some bubbles outside once he wakes up, so I guess I better go get some housework done while I have the chance. Until next time!

Yay! I did it!

2008-09-21T20:51:00.001-07:00

I got Zollie to sleep in the crib tonight! This is maybe the second time I've gotten him to sleep by himself EVER. He generally nurses to sleep in our bed and then is unmovable, lest he wake up. I love snuggling with the little monkey, but it'll be nice to fall asleep beside my husband (and only my husband) tonight! I'm sure he'll be waking up to nurse soon, and then he can come to bed with us. Better enjoy the extra sleeping space while I've got it!

The winds have settled!

2008-09-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

We've had a blustery couple of weeks around the Shelton household! AWANA has gone great for Ian. I stayed with him the first night, just to see what all went on. He had a good time, but whined a lot. I think most of that had to do with me being there and also this being his first time in a structured environment. Last Wednesday I just dropped him off, and his teacher said he did great! I'm so glad he's having fun there!

We also made it back from our trip to Asheville in one piece. It was a jam-packed weekend! Here's a quick rundown of what we did:

We left Thursday around lunchtime and got to our hotel about 6pm. Ordered Papa John's pizza. mmmm! Let Ian jump on the hotel bed a bit. Went to sleep. Eventually.

Fri morning DH left to go to the conference. We slept in, played in the tub, and watched cartoons. DH came home for lunch and we went downtown and walked around. Found a neat little Indian cafe and had a super yummy lunch! Hung out at the hotel the rest of the evening while DH was in meetings.

Saturday morning I took the boys to the pool while DH was gone. DH had the afternoon off from lunch till about 6, so we took the boys to the nature center downtown. Ian was tickled pink! He got to see bears, a cougar, wolves, snakes, and all sorts of other animals. There was even a petting zoo! We hung out at the hotel the rest of the afternoon while DH went back to the conference to present his poster and do his fru fru supper with the big wigs. At least he brought me back leftovers!

Sunday morning DH had a meeting until 10. He came back and I had everything packed to go, so we loaded up the car and checked out. I had found a church I wanted to attend, and DH had been sitting all weekend so he decided to take the boys to a playground while I went. Here's the funny story from the weekend. The name of the church was Grace Tabernacle. It said it was nondenominational in the phone book. Well, we had a hard time finding it so I didn't get there until about 10 after 11. I walked in the front door and there in the narthex was a table. On the table was a menorah, a little arc of the covenant, and a horn of David. So my brain went into overdrive...."Um...is this a Jewish temple? The name IS tabernacle...but it said church in the phone book, I'm sure of it! But man that guy over there definately looks Jewish. But it's SUNDAY!" Total brain cramp! Anyway, I went on in and it was a WONDERFUL sermon! Just wonderful. The pastor talked about how Jesus kept trying to get the disciples to trust Him, but they kept being human and worrying...like in the boat during the storm. The pastor said don't fight the storm! Just make sure you have Jesus in your boat. Remember, the same waves that scared the disciples rocked Jesus to sleep. Talk about peace that passes all understanding! It was just wonderful! So after church we drove up the Parkway a bit and stopped at a campground. We pitched our tent and then hiked down a path to Crabtree Falls. I totally forgot to take my camera! I could kick myself! UG! Anywho, we got back, lit the campfire, cooked dinner and roasted marshmallows. It was Ian's first time camping. Monday we got up and cleaned up our campsite and then drove to a place called Gem Mountain in Spruce Pines where you can buy buckets of ore and sit at a flume with a seive and you keep whatever gems you find. We found TONS of stuff...rubies, emeralds, garnets, topaz, and all sorts of semi precious stuff like amethest and aquamarine. Just wish we could afford to get them cut! Then we made the 6 hour drive home with a quick stopover at my moms to eat supper.

This weekend, our friends Denis and Crystal and their kids Noah, Alek, and Mikayla came Saturday to watch the ECU/NC State game with us. We lost. *sigh* Another year of getting pecked at by Wolfpack fans. Alas! We spent the evening and night playing games: the kids in the dining room and us adults in the living room. Much dead cow was consumed. It was a great night! They slept over and this morning half the house woke up with a bad headcold. We missed church so as not to spread the headcold love. Tonight, DH and I are just enjoying some time alone. I need to prepare some more things for school tomorrow and he needs to keep himself sane as he heads back to work. He's been working 10-12 hour days recently, and also on Saturdays. I can't wait for this rotation to be over with!

Praises! We seem to be ok moneywise right now. We were able to pay off a couple of small debts from a reimbursement check. Praise God! We are just trusting God to provide for us.

Prayer requests: Ian, Zollie, and I all have a cold. Please pray that we get well soon (especially Zollie...he's so stuffed up that he can barely nurse) and that DH doesn't get sick. He's working so much this month, he really can't afford to feel bad.

Getting off to a good start!

2008-09-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a big week of firsts for me...Monday morning, Great Worth met for the first time at my house. Only one other woman showed up, G. , but to me that is success. G. has a friend who wanted to come, but Monday mornings didn't work for her, so we might be moving to Thursday mornings. I'm just so happy that it seems to be working out! I need this so much...having other Christian women who understand how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I think this is going to be a HUGE blessing in all of our lives!

Also, tonight I'll be going to the first HOME meeting of the year. HOME stands for Homeeducators Organized for Ministry and Encouragement and is our local Christian homeschool group. I'll officially become a member tonight since Ian will be old enough for co-op activities in the spring. I'm SO excited about this! Since we decided to homeschool, I've hardly been able to wait to get started. I know on one hand that is wishing his young years away to a certain extent, but he is so smart and I just can't wait to see how he flourishes! I know a lot of people who choose to homeschool feel like it is a conviction from God to do so, but for me (although I feel God will bless our homeschool), I don't necessarily hear Him convicting me of it so much as I just want to be there for all of my kids' firsts. I want to be the one to teach them to read and write. I want to see them light up when they have "ah ha" moments. Maybe that's selfish, but hey, they are only kids once, and I want to be there for their whole childhood. Granted, there are tons of positives about homeschooling...from the socialization aspect to being able to control what they are taught (as opposed to them being taught whatever the school board thinks is important, even if those things go against our personal beliefs), to not having to worry about school violence or bullying...but for me, being their teacher is the perk I'm looking forward to the most.

Another first...G. told me that a local church just started a 2-3 year old class in their AWANA program. So I'm going to talk to PG about that and see if that is something he'd be up for Ian attending as well. My home church had AWANA but didn't start until after I was older. My mom and dad are very active in their program and are always saying how wonderful it is. It would be great for Ian to have something like that to participate in!

Prayer requests: Please pray for our financial situation. We are in the red right now with a LOT of things upcoming (a trip we won't get reimbursed for for a few weeks, and lots of birthdays). Please pray also for my step-dad. There is an older couple who he sees as his second parents who he is VERY close with. He goes to see them every Sunday after church. The woman, Mable, passed away this week. I know they are all very upset. Her husband has alzheimer's disease and is living in an extended care facility and did not see her for about 3 weeks prior to her death. I don't think he understood just how sick she was and I am not sure if he understands that she is gone. Please keep them all in your prayers. Another request...we will be out of town this weekend, leaving on Thursday, and I am supposed to have a LLL meeting Thursday night. Please pray I can find someone to lead it for me so I don't have to cancel it!

Answered prayers: God has blessed Great Worth! I can't wait to see how it grows! I also praise God for keeping us safe during the tropical storm. We truely needed the rain, and the wind damage was very minimal.

So God wouldn't let me sleep...

2008-08-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

You know the Veggie Tales Jonah movie? And the part where the little catterpillar has the Jonah plush toy that says "A message from the Lord!" over and over? That was me a couple of Wednesday nights ago!

During the summer we have Sunday School on Wednesday nights at our church. Our class has been studying Phillipians and that Wed night we were talking about how Paul was saying that if you are mature in your faith you will want to live like Jesus even if it's hard or uncomfortable. So we got on the topic of parenting decisions and how once you have kids you really rethink a lot of the decisions you make because you know your kids are watching, etc. I could NOT stop thinking about this all night. About how some of the decisions I've made recently have been hard (like wearing only skirts or not "doing" Santa) because that's not how the world says you should be. And how many other moms there have to be in my church who WANT to make those hard decisions, or even have made them, but don't tell anyone because they don't want to get laughed at. Or how maybe there were moms who were like me a year or so ago who hadn't even thought about making decisions like that, but would be interested in knowing there were other options out there than just following the culture.

I could not go to sleep. I laid in bed from about 10 till 2 just rolling all this around and God kept telling me I need to start a Bible study/discussion group for moms so we can dig in deep and learn what the Bible says about what kinds of women/mothers/wives we should be. That it should be a place where we can pray for each other, our marriages and our kids and where we can support each other in making the hard decisions. God did not let me go to sleep Wednesday night until I got up and wrote a letter to invite people to this. I know this was all from God because even though I was up until 4am or so, when I woke up Thursday I was not tired at all.

I was all set to get a list together of who to send invites to Thursday but DH hadn't been able to pay the phone bill on time so it got cut off (along with our internet) and eventually a couple of days had passed and all these doubts are setting in. Should I really do this? What if no one comes? What if everyone I send invites to thinks I'm a freak and starts avoiding me at church? Do I even have time to take on one more thing? Ug! I knew it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing this, but it still made me doubt.

I've never even been to a Bible study before, so I don't even really know what I'm getting into. I envision it being very relaxed, so everyone will feel comfortable enough to talk about serious issues. I want them to have the option of bringing their kids, because I don't want childcare to be a reason not to come...I would host at my house so they could all play. I thought about it being more like a coffee house. I wanted to send out a list of possible topics on the invite to see what people would be interested in...like modesty, what it means to be a submissive wife, praying for our husbands, maybe a study on Bringing up Boys/Girls by Dobson, talking about the media's influence, Natural Family Planning vs birth control vs Quiverfull...all sorts of womanly/mothering/wifely topics. I decided on the name Great Worth from this verse:

Your beauty … should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4

I had expressed my doubts and fears on a forum I'm on and one of the women said that maybe God doesn't even intend anyone to come...maybe He just wants to see if I will obey be willing to step out of my comfort zone to start this. So I spoke with my pastor and my husband and they are both supportive. I'm going to send out an invitation to a bunch of women and see what a good day and time would be...or maybe it will just see if anyone is even interested. I'm getting excited again, and I think that is a good thing. I'm still scared though, but that's ok.

Prayer requests: Pray with me as our church looks for a new youth pastor. Pray for a relative who is dying of cancer. Pray for Great Worth and that it will be a good ministry.

Praises: Praise God for providing food for us to eat every day. We always have enough, even when we are completely broke. Praise God for 2 healthy children and a husband who has gotten so much more healthy in the past few months.

Busy Weekend

2008-07-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

We've had a fairly busy past few days around our house. First and foremost, Zollie has officially made the jump from crawling to walking. I keep telling him he's too little to be walking, but apparently he thinks that whatever will get him caught up with his big brother faster is a good thing. He's so funny to watch...he walks with his hands out in front of him like Frankenstein's monster, all wobbly. Then he'll get proud of himself and start clapping and grinning! He's so cute!

Ian is a bit frustrated that Zollie can catch up to him faster, now. Zollie follows his big brother around like a little puppy, and Ian isn't real pleased with that a lot of the time. He doesn't like having his toys taken away, his food grabbed at, or be tackled whenever he's sitting on the floor, but Zollie sure loves it. You can definately tell they really love each other...they are always falling and sitting on each other, squeeling and sharing toys. We are so blessed!

Saturday we decided to rearrange the house. We got most of it done and I'm really pleased at how the living room looks now. It doesn't necessarily look bigger, just different. I need different every now and then. That afternoon PG went to the gym to work out with Dave and I took the boys to a playgroup for residents' spouses and families. It was so nice to meet other people living a similar schedule to me, and I also know a few of the moms there share some of my crunchy tendencies...I talked cloth diapers and breastfeeding for a while...that always makes my day!

After the playgroup, we went and picked up PG and headed to the home of the chair of his department for their annual cookout. So much good food! And so many kids! There are really a ton of young kids in the department now and it was great to let them all play and roam together. While we were there, we heard squeeling tires and a crash on the street in front of his home. Of course, everyone went running to see what had happened. The call for "Is there a doctor in the house?" went out and everyone laughed...I guess if you are going to have a wreck, that was the place to have it. There were probably upwards of 20 doctors mingling around. Luckily no one was hurt, though a mailbox did seem to get demolished.

Sunday morning we went to church where PG was worship leader. He looks so good in his suit, especially now that he's lost so much weight! He's down 45 lbs since Zollie was born. It's amazing! I'm so proud of him for the dedication he's put in to working out and jogging. After church, his parents came over and we had a nice lunch, plus they got some playtime in with the boys, which they always adore. They were astounded to see how well Zollie is walking and also to hear Ian counting (he's up to firteen now!) and singing the ABC song.

My inlaws left after a few hours and we had a bit of time to rest and take a nap, then Suzanne and Dave came over. We fixed a great supper (Suzanne shocked me with her cooking prowess...the fried eggplant was delicious!) and watched some Shark Week.

This morning, I decided to go ahead and finish moving furniture around. I wanted the piano to go in the front hallway and figgured that since it had wheels, it should be pretty easy to move. I was wrong and now I have some seriously pulled muscles in my lower back. UG! Getting up and down out of a chair, much less off the floor, is a royal pain...literally! I think PG might have tomorrow off, which would be great, because I don't know if I'll be able to even get out of bed. I know these things are usually worse the second day.

Prayer/Praise: Please pray that my back gets better soon and that PG has tomorrow off to help me. Praises for my two smart boys who are learning and growing each day. My prayers go out to my friend Carli who lost her mother to cancer last week. Pray also for this coming weekend when my sisters will be moving into their new appartment and that everything goes smoothly.

Six years together!

2008-07-09T18:24:00.001-07:00

Six years ago, on July 4, PG and I were married. It's hard to believe that it's been six years already. We've been together as a couple for a whole decade. Wow. We were thinking back to when we met...my sisters were 8 and 10 years old. Now they are a freshman and junior in college. We met 2 days before classes began my freshman year. My friend Crystal and I (who had just met and become fast friends the night before at the Wesley Foundation open house) were walking through our dorm trying desperately to figgure out how to translate the bus schedule. Crystal spotted PG down the hall and said a sentence that would change my life forever: "Hey! He looks like an upper classman. Lets ask him!" I don't think my mother in law will ever forgive her...*snicker*

I was dating someone at the time, but PG - with all the suaveness of a future psychiatrist - convinced my boyfriend to break it off with me. Granted, my boyfriend had confided in PG that he really had liked me better as a friend and wanted to be free to date in college, but I was not told that part of the story for years to come. PG jumped in as my rebound guy and assured me that he was "only looking for a casual relationship...nothing long term". 10 years and 2 kids later, I love to remind him of that.

Where would we be now if we had never met? Well, at the time I was planning to be a medical missionary in Africa or some other far off land. I was so head over heels in love with PG by the end of our first semester, though, that I bunked my plans to transfer to a divinity college and just stayed at ECU so I could be near him. Apart from living worlds apart, we also wouldn't have our beautiful boys, so I guess God works everything out in the end.

To celebrate our anniversary this year, we invited Crystal (who I'm still best friends with) and her husband and children over to spend the night. We ate delicious food, and then watched the fireworks here in Farmville. I love to pretend they are shooting them off just for us. Then we got the boys in bed and played D&D until the wee hours of the morning, went to sleep, woke up Saturday and played all day. We had a blast. Who needs an expensive trip or gift to celebrate your anniversary? We spent ours with our match maker and our families and enjoyed every minute of it (besides, having company over is great motivation to get the house clean!)

Happy anniversary, dear. My prayer is that we have MANY more ahead of us!

Fresh Fish!

2008-06-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

Last year, as some of the moms in my church were planning to start a private homeschool together, I was asked to teach science for them. It ended up being 5 girls, all middle school aged, and we had a great year. It was a lot of fun to teach them, because we had the freedom to do lots of hands on activities and field trips. I've been asked to teach for them again next year, and I'm really looking forward to it.

One of the girls that I taught lives on a big farm. Her father plants a gigantic garden every year and told all of the teachers that he always plants way too much and can't eat it all, and invited us to sharecrop with him. We can go to the farm and put in time hoeing, weeding, and helping can stuff as it comes ripe, and in return we get free produce. My husband and I, who were already balking at how expensive food is getting, jumped at the chance. So for the last few weeks we've been going out to the farm a couple of times a week and spending an hour or two hoeing. Things have started coming ripe, and we've had so many delicious salads recently! There is a big stocked pond right beside the garden, and we had also been invited to fish there if we wanted. Today was the first day we had an opportunity to take them up on that.

At about 2:00, my husband, my sister Suzanne, her boyfriend Dave and I loaded the boys in the car and headed to the farm. We weeded the two rows of potatos (2 rows! We'll have potatos all year!) in record time with three of us weeding while Suzanne watched the boys. Then we headed to the pond, where we realized we had nothing to use for bait. Suzanne quickly caught a grasshopper and I found some crackers in the diaper bag that we crushed and tossed in the water, and we were off and running. Time ticked by with lots of nibbles but no bites. We decided we needed better bait.

After a bit of mourning the fact that we didn't have a net (because plenty of tiny brim were swarming at the surface to eat the cracker bits) I realized that I had a ring sling made of Solarveil in the car and hey, that's pretty close to a net, right? So we unstrung the sling out of the rings and lowered the center section into the water, sprinkled a few crackers over it and waited. In no time we had caught a little fish, the size of the palm of my hand! Ian thought it was super cool. He rubbed it and told me about its colors. Then we led him away while "Uncle Dave" chopped it up into bits for bait. PG and Dave fished for another hour or so with no luck. A storm was rolling in, so we were getting ready to pack it up. PG was reeling in his line so we could go when BAM! something hit on it! He reeled it in and had hooked a big bass, about as long as my forearm! We were just tickled pink! Dave cast his line out where PG had caught the fish and within minutes he had hooked something big as well. It took his line and pulled it out under the dock and snapped it right off. What a disapointment! The one that got away! The storm was getting closer so we tossed our things in the car, grabbed some potatos, squash, and onions from the garden, and headed home.

PG left shortly after to go on a hiking and camping trip for the weekend with some of our other friends. Suzanne played with the boys while Dave and I cleaned the fish and got dinner going. What a great meal! We had bass filets cooked with onions, garlic, and rosemary, boiled squash with onions, and cheesy mashed potatos. Everything tastes better when you grow it yourself! We can't wait to go fishing there again. Maybe Dave will catch that big one next time!

Praises/Prayers for the day:

Praise God for good food to eat and good times spent with family and friends. I praise Him for sending people into our lives who will share their bounty with us. We can rest in the knowledge that if things get really bad, or grocery money is not there, we can go to the farm and have food.

Please join me in praying for PG's safety this weekend, as well as our friends who went camping with him. They are planning to hike and camp for 4 days in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia. They will be back country camping in tents for 3 nights. I'm praying that everyone comes home healthy and with great stories.

God Bless!

Neighbors helping neighbors

2008-06-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

We had a tragedy on our street this week: the home of one of my neighbors burned down. This family - husband, wife, and 1yr old son - live about three houses down and across the street from me. Sadly I don't know their names. We've lived this close to them for 3 years now, but have only waved to them in passing. What a horrible way to meet your neighbors, huh? I stopped and talked to them for a moment yesterday as we walked home from Wednesday night church. The poor woman was just in tears in the front yard. How hard it must be to know you lost everything material that was important to you. Baby books, picture albums, old Mother's Day cards, family heirlooms, wedding dress...all gone in a flash.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. The father is a fire chief and was in Hyde Co fighting the wildfire there, and the mother and son got out safely. I do believe the lost their dog, though. Poor thing. When I talked to her yesterday and asked her what they needed, she said everything...towels, sheets, clothes. What must it be like to not be able to take a shower because you don't have a towel to dry off with nor clothes to put on afterwards?

I've put the word out to my Natural Mamas group and my church to try to find some things for them. I was hoping I would see them outside again today so I could talk to her more in depth, find out her name, introduce myself properly, and get more details about what they need and where to take things. I don't know these people, but it just seems like the neighborly thing to do. It's what Jesus would do, right? Do unto the least of these. This family, newly homeless, without anything of value but their lives. Do they know Christ? Do they have His peace through this? Or are they feeling alone and vulnerable? Will they see His Light through my actions?

There are opportunities to help our neighbors all around us: volunteering at the soup kitchen or the local Boys and Girls Club, teaching Sunday School or VBS, donating food to the food pantry, or just helping gather items for a family in need. We are poor, we can barely pay our bills, but helping the least of these doesn't require spending money. Sometimes it just requres good listening skills or a bit of time or willingness to get dirty. Being a Christian isn't about sitting back and saying "Oh those poor people...what a shame", being a Christian is about helping pick up the pieces and comforting the hurting, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm very bad at confrontation...and I always get nervous when I am talking to someone I don't know. But I'm going to push through past my comfort zone and go talk to this family. Offer my help and a supper or two, find out their needs, and hopefully show them the love of Jesus through His willing servant.

Prayers / Praises for the day:

Please pray for this dear family as they try to rebuild their lives. And Praise God that they were not injured!

Praise God that my husband got a great report from his doctor today...he's lost over 30 lbs and his HDL went from 14 to 40, while his LDL went from 120 to 80-something!!!

God Bless!

Ahhh...me time

2008-06-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

A rarity in our house has occured...both boys are asleep at the same time! I've been mildly productive: vacuumed and mopped the kitchen and pantry, washed a load of diapers and hung them to dry, and I'm fixing to wash the kids' clothes as well (right after I finish up here and get myself a bowl of much deserved ice cream!).

Last night my husband and I had quite a bit of fun as well. One of the residents he works with is finished with her program and is moving to South Carolina to work. She was having a going away party at her house and, knowing that eating at her house meant the promise of homemade Indian food, a herd of wild horses couldn't have kept him away. She has two small children who kept Ian entertained nearly the whole time, and my hubby and I got to enjoy adult conversation and excellent food while the rest of the residents played "pass the baby" with Zollie.

Father's Day is coming up this weekend. I never care much about the fact that we are barely skimming by money wise until a holiday comes up. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be able to buy nice gifts for my loved ones to show them how much they mean to me. What I really would love is to be able to buy a new computer or a bunch of camping gear or even the new D&D books for my husband. He is so wonderful, a hard worker, loving, and such a great dad...he really deserves it. But I'm stuck with about 10 dollars to do something with. I'm wanting to do a special dinner for him, and the boys made him a card, but that just doesn't seem like nearly enough to show our love. What's a poor woman to do?

Prayers/Praises for the day: Praise God for healthy kids and for the little bits of time I get to myself (Zollie just woke up...)

Praying that our meager Father's Day celebration will be enough to show my husband just how much we love and appreciate him.

God bless!

Monday Morning

2008-06-09T12:34:00.001-07:00

Today has been a humdrum day so far. The boys woke me up at about 7:30. Ian loves to run in and yell "Mama! Mama! Downstairs now!" So down we went for diaper changes and breakfast (cereal and juice) and a cartoon. Then out onto the back porch to play in the kiddy pool before it got so oppressively hot that even water wasn't refreshing anymore. Today doesn't really feel like a Monday, though. My hubby had to work yesterday so it feels more like midweek, which will come back to bite me on Wednesday or Thursday when I feel like the week should be over already.

This coming weekend will offer no respite either, as we will be back in my hometown for my sister's highschool graduation. That will be bittersweet for her, I'm sure. She'll be leaving all of her friends behind and moving three hours away. It's great for me, though, because she'll be here! And convienent for my parents...all three of us will be ECU grads/students, so she only has to worry about buying accessories for one school. Highschool is one of those weird things...as a teenager you think that these people are your BEST friends, those that will be with you for the rest of your life, and then you graduate and fall away and never speak to most of them again. Oh well, I guess that's what Facebook and Myspace are for, right?

I had a ephiphany last night that I would like to share. We just went through a trauma at our house...Ian lost Blue for three days. Blue is his blanket. I crochetted it while I was pregnant with him. He's had it since (literally) the day he was born and it's really a part of him. Trying to get him to sleep without Blue is nigh impossible. Blue goes everywhere with Ian. So when we tried to find it for bed a few nights ago and couldn't, panic insued. We searched the house for Blue, but to no avail. I tried to substitute a yellow crochetted blanket, but my husband said he found Ian sitting in bed a bit later, quietly saying "where Blue go?" over and over. It was pitiful.

So a couple of days ago when I popped my head in the living room to find Ian snuggled up with Blue, watching cartoons, my heart leapt. I asked him where he found it, and he took me to the dining room and pointed to his kitchen set (we had looked in the kitchen set at least three times by three seperate people). But life in our house is markedly calmer now. Ian will take naps and go to bed without fussing, and there have been far fewer tantrums.

What I realized last night is that God is a lot like Blue. He's always with us, He's our comfort and our stability. But we take Him for granted too much. Just like Blue we drag God around through the dirt and leaves too often, and only turn to Him when we need something like comfort or warmth. We leave Him behind when we get busy doing our own thing and sometimes it's easy to forget that we really need Him with us all the time. I think that far too often we only realize how important God is in our lives when we try to do things on our own and fail...just like Ian trying to go to bed without Blue. We whine and complain and everyone around us is made miserable. Only when we seek Him out - in His Word, in church, in our prayer life - do we go running back into His arms and realize how much we missed Him.

Let's all strive to give God the important position He deserves in our life.

Prayers/Praises for today:

Praise God that we had enough money in our account today to pay a bill that we bounced a check on last week, and that the person we owed was graceous enough to be understanding and not to charge us a late fee.

Praise God for our new neighbor, who seems really nice and friendly. I pray that we will get to know him better and that he will see Christ's light shining through our family.

I'm praying that God will lay His hand on our finances, as we have recently had a lot of medical bills come due.

God Bless!

Vallere

Hi! I'm new here!

2008-06-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

Well hello everyone! I'm new to this whole blogging thing, so I guess the best way to start is to tell everyone a bit about myself and my family. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. They haven't all been easy years...the first couple were spent with me working full time while my husband was in medical school. The last couple have been spent with him working 60+ hours a week in residency while I stay home with the boys. We are poor, but blessed. God has provided for all our needs and even a few of our wants.

So far we have two sons: Ian Gray is 2.5 and Zollie Isaac is almost 8 months. Both boys were born at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center...a freestanding birth center in Chapel Hill, NC. They were both wonderful experiences, and I'm a huge advocate for natural birth now that I've had two of my own. Ian is full of energy and enjoys anything that involves splashing in water or throwing a ball. He's smart as a whip, too...he already knows his letters and numbers, shapes and colors. I can't wait to start formally homeschooling him and seeing his little mind work! Zollie is my high needs baby and needs a lot of being held, though now that he's getting mobile, he's happier to play on his own or chase his big brother around. He's already walking behind push toys (and he's not even 8 months old yet!) so I think he'll be an early walker. Ian is definately more interested in him now that he can interact more, though lately Ian has become more clingy, and wants me to "put Zo-yee down!" and hold him more. It's always hard when that's not immediately possible (like when Zollie is nursing), but I know it's very important to meet all of Ian's needs as well. At least we have a big recliner that will hold all 3 of us!

My hopes for this blog are to have a place to just chronicle my life. To be able to keep up with all of the silly and annoying things my kids do, to write about our homeschool journey, and to encourage other families who share similar interests or are just curious about what those crazy, crunchy, Christian folks do all day. So right now I'm going to go do some living: Ian's hungry after his nap, Zollie needs a diaper change, and my hubby is fixing to help me get some ribeyes soaking in marinade so we can grill out later. Talk to you soon! God Bless!

Prayers/Praises for today: I praise God for the time I got to snuggle with my boys today. I praise him for a husband who works hard to provide for us (even when he has to work on Sundays) and for a pantry that has food in it. My prayers go out to a friend who just lost her baby a few days ago and for my stepdad's boss who just found out he has a brain tumor. May God's peace rest upon those families.