Everything happened so differently from what I was told to expect, that I'm hesitant to say it's over, but I think it is. I was expecting really serious pain, heavy heavy bleeding and lots of tissue. Maybe because she was only 7 weeks, it wasn't so bad?
I had a lot of menstrul type cramps today...just a low, dull ache pretty much all day. I just put a hot rice bag on my belly and that was enough to make it bearable. My boys came home at maybe 6 and of course the first thing Zollie wanted to do was nurse. I had some stronger contractions while he was nursing, but nothing horrible...not as bad as the afterpains after he was born.
I went to the bathroom at about 7pm just to pee and when I wiped there was a couple of clots on the paper, and I almost just tossed it in the toilet, but I saw something that didn't look quite the same so I took a closer look and it was her. So incredibly small. She was maybe 1/2 inch long and just looked like a tiny little kidney bean or field pea, but rounder on one end and more pointed on the other. There was a little cord coming from the concave side, maybe an inch long, and then what I can assume was the placenta, though it wasn't still attached to the cord. It was about the size of a pencil eraser. Definately a different texture than the little clots...they were very soft and squishy and she was firm, like an undercooked bean, but dark brown like the old blood, not flesh colored or anything. Just very surreal, the whole thing.
I thought I would have cried when I saw her, but I just kind of had a scientific curiosity about the whole thing. I wish I had had a magnifying glass. I took a couple of pictures, showed her to PG, and put her in a ziploc bag. We are going tomorrow to get a pretty pot for her flower and a memory box for the nice cards people have given us and the *fingers crossed* u/s photos.
Up until that point, all the blood had been like a normal period, and a mixture of brown and red. Since then it's been like a heavy period and all bright red. My cramps are all but gone...if I pick up one of the boys, they hurt a little more, but I defiantely haven't felt the need for any pain meds or anything. Honestly, if I hadn't known I was pregnant, I probably would have just thought this was a funky pp period since I'm still nursing. I'm a little worried because I haven't bled a lot and haven't passed a lot of tissue. I'll call the mw on Monday and set up another u/s to make sure everything is out. I might take the pictures I took to see if they agree that was her.
Night night, baby Anna. Mommy and daddy love you and we'll see you when we all wake up in Heaven! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers...they would have loved you soooo much.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
August 14, 2009 - The loss of our little girl
Yesterday - August 13, 2009 at about 1:30pm - we found out our baby had died.
That morning I was at Michael (the boy I babysit)'s house and I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of red in my panties. I had had a little brown once or twice before, but never red, so I was immediately concerned. So of course I started rationalizing. Well maybe when I was "cleaning up" I scratched my cervix or something...or maybe it was tripping over the dog last night - maybe that just jarred things a little.
But within 30 min there was red mixed with brown every time I wiped. I paged PG. I called Glynis and left a message for her to pray. I called Crystal and got her to call Lisa (my midwife) since I couldn't call long distance from Michael's house. Crystal started a prayer thread on CMF for me.
Lisa called me back and I told her what was happening. She said not to panic...sometimes women bleed and nothing is wrong...but she suggested that I see if I could find an OB office that would let me come in for an u/s just to see what was going on. PG called back and I told him what was going on. He told me to call around and let him know and he would meet me whereever.
I called Greenville OB/Gyn first because I knew the midwives there were cool with homebirthers, but none of the appointments people were there (it was lunch time) and I really didn't want to wait an hour+ to find out if I could be seen. So I called Carolina Women's Physicians where DeEtte (a CNM friend of mine) works and asked to speak to her. I told her I just needed to see what was going on, and would her OB be ok with me coming by. She said she would talk to her and call me back. In about 10 minutes she called back and said to come right over, they would get me back as soon as possible.
Michael's dad came to watch all the boys and I met PG and picked him up and we went to the dr's office. Insurance paperwork, then they took us straight to the u/s room. The technician asked when my last period was, but I couldn't think straight. I said "I know I'm 11 weeks today...can we find a calendar" and she counted back and said "Does May 28 sound right?" and I said yes...that was right, I just couldn't think of it at the time. So I laid down on the table and she put the nasty goo on my belly and started looking. I could see my uterus and a dark shape in it. It didn't look baby shaped, so I was almost scared to ask if that was the baby, so I just watched. She asked if I was sure of my dates and PG told her oh yes, she's pretty obsessive about the dates.
The tech measured some things and typed some things and I finally asked said "So what are we looking at..." She said "well this is the fetal pole" and I know I said "So there *is* something in there?" I was actually not even thinking about a heartbeat or anything...I was just happy to hear that I *WAS* in fact pregnant. This pregnancy had been so different...I was never sick or anything...I had been doubting the whole time that I was actually pregnant at all...Kept thining I should take another test just to make sure. Then she said "But I...I'm sorry to say I can't find a heart beat. I'm sorry to have to tell you that."
Reality struck me. It didn't matter that there was a baby on the screen...it wasn't alive. I just bit my bottom lip and tried to hold back the tears. She did another couple of measurements and said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks. BAM. Another smack from reality...she died before the drama with my inlaws. Before my interview with Lisa. Before I had that brown discharge after sex a couple of weeks ago. Before we told Ian or anyone at church or ANYONE that we were even pregnant. She was already dead.
The tech wiped off my belly, gave us some klenex and said she would just leave us alone for a bit and a nurse would come get us to do my vitals and such. I didn't really cry. I was numb. 1000 thoughts going through my head. I need to call Lisa. I need to call mom. Oh God we have to tell everyone. I can't do that. Who will get the boys? My baby is dead. I won't have a homebirth for my 30th birthday now. My birthday will suck. Every year. I will know I should be having HER party and won't. Numb.
The nurse came and had me sit at their little vitals station and took my blood pressure and pulse. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. We went back to the exam room and another nurse came in and took my history. She was polite, but never said she was sorry or anything. I wish she had at least said she was sorry.
Then DeEtte came in. As soon as she walked in we both started crying and I just hugged her. I'm so so glad she was there. We talked about what to expect, how since it had been 4 weeks I really needed something to happen soon because I could get an infection. She gave me a perscription for cytotec to use intervaginally if things didn't happen on their own, and 2 scripts for pain meds. I knew I wouldn't use them. I fold my klenex into interesting shapes. She said that once I miscarry to call and make an appointment for a week afterwards for another ultrasound to make sure nothing was retained. PG asked how long we should wait before using the cytotec and she said no more than 5 days. I just nodded. Cytotec is scary. It causes uterine rupture. I don't want to use it. I don't want a D&C either becaue it could scar my uterus or cause incompetent cervix.
DeEtte says she hates this...but it is one of those things that comes along with having a big family...I know that...it doens't make it hurt less. She hugs me again and says to call if she needs anything. I toss my klenex...it's in pieces by now. I get new ones on the way out the door.
We walk out. I try not to cry as I pass all the happy pregnant women. They shouldn't need to worry about their babies dying. A couple of people give me knowing looks as we leave. I wonder if they have had losses, too?
We get in the car and drive back to where PG's car is parked. I make him call mom and my sisters on the way. I can't talk on the phone. He starts all the calls with "We've got some bad news...Vallere's had a miscarriage." I cringe. I hate that word. It doesn't say what happened. What happened was that our BABY DIED. Miscarriage is such an ugly word...I told him that...that I'd rather he say we lost the baby because that's what happened and miscarriage is ugly. He said he's sorry, he didn't know it bothered me. I didn't either until he had said it. I hate I made a big deal out of it...now he's feeling bad.
We swap seats and I tell him to leave me the phone so I can call Crystal on my way home. He says he needs to check in at work first, so he gets out and talks to his boss for a minute. I lose it and cry in the car. He hangs up and opens my door. "You want me to ride home with you?" *nod nod nod* I get back in the passenger seat. We drive home. I call Crystal. She comforts me. I tried to call Victoria to tell her I wouldn't be at the LLL meeting tonight and could she cover for me. No one answers. I don't want to leave a message. I'll call back later.
PG wants to stop by church to let our pastor know. I call Glynis while he's inside. She weeps with me. She had been praying all day. I hope she doesn't blame God.
PG comes back. The pastor wasn't there - PG left a message with the secretary. We went by and picked up the boys. Ian gave me a sweet kiss as he got in the car. Will we tell him? We get home. PG calls his sister and uncle. He goes outside to call his mom. He comes back in and the phone starts ringing. He says not to answer it, it's her, she knows I don't want to talk, but she wants to leave me a message. She's crying so hard I can't understand her. Good, I think. I hope she's upset after what she said.
My sister and her boyfriend come by. The boys are asleep but they are going to take them for the night once they wake up. We sit and chat. They turn the topic to D&D. I try to hang but I keep zoning out. Our pastor comes. We talk a little. He asks what happened so I tell him about the dr's office. I keep saying she and he asks if we had seen that it was a girl and I say no, I dreamed it though. He asks what will happen now and I say I hope it happens on its own, she'll be very tiny but I hope we can find her.
I realize I didn't ask for an u/s picture. I realize I need to figgure out what to do with her remains. I can't talk anymore. Everyone is talking but me. I wish they would leave. I just want a nap or a shower or something. I just want me and PG. Dave goes to get me some BoBerry biscuits because I haven't eaten all day. I eat one and drink some milk. I'm not hungry.
I say that I need a nap. Pastor takes the hint and leaves. The boys wake up. PG helps them move the carseats into their car and I pack the boys a bag. I love them and I want to be with them but I want to be alone too. I don't want them to see me crying or in pain. I don't know when "labor" will start.
I realize I never called anyone else about the LLL meeting. I feel horrible...I hope no one came.
PG says he needs to get his mind off things and asks if it's ok if he still goes to play softball tonight. I say sure. I figgured I would just take a bath and go to bed anyway. He grieves differently from me...if he needs to go that is ok. He goes to the game. I take a shower. I cry. The hot water feels good. I check myself and my cervix is short. That's good, I think. It was long yesterday. Maybe things will happen fast.
I go back downstairs to post on Facebook and check email and CMF. Everyone is so sweet. It makes me cry to see so many moms who have been through this. The support is so nice. PG comes home and plays online some, then calls his uncle back. They talk for a while. He needed that.
We talk about what to do with her remains. Whether to have genetic testing done. Whether to name her. He says all those things make it harder on him. Now I feel bad again that they are so important to me. We go to bed. We lay and talk for a while. We decide that we have to name her Anna Zophia becaues it would be weird to name another baby that name now. We talk about whether to buy a plant for her or to have her cremated and make a garden stone. I say I'll call some funeral homes tomorrow and ask about prices. He asks if he can go to work. My mom is coming...I'll be fine. He needs to go to get away from here.
We sleep. All night. The first night I've slept all night since I was pregnant with Zollie. I dreamed about being chased. Again.
I hear crying. Is that Ian? Back to sleep. I hear crying? Zollie? Ian? Then I realize they aren't here. Is it the dog whining? Where is PG? I listen. He's in the shower bawling. Do I go to him or does he want to be alone? I go. I reach in and hug him. We cry. He says he was just imagining holding her in his hands and telling her he was so so sorry. I told him that whatever was wrong with her is fixed now. She's all perfect now. But I still miss her and it still sucks and I hate it. We cry some more. I go back to bed. I can't sleep. PG gets ready for work. He says to call if I need him.
I get up and play online. Distraction. I call DeEtte to see if there are any copies of the u/s pics I could have. As soon as she picks up the phone I start crying again. She says she'll ask her dr if they were saved on the computer and if they were she'll get copies for me. She gives me her cell number so if I need her this weekend I can get her directly. I call funeral homes. The first one says it would cost $275. The second one says they've never had that situation before and they'll check and to call back later. I'm not calling back. The third doesn't open till 10. I won't call them back either. We'll just buy a cactus for her. I don't feel right about cremating her anyway. I get on ebay and start stalking a cactus.
It's 10:51 and I'm still waiting on mom to get here. She said she'd stop by the store and get me some pads and klenex. I'm getting crampy. I hope this is it. I hope I can find my daughter's remains. I hope I can take a picture or something and that everyone doesn't think that's nasty and gross. When PG and I were talking about it, he kept saying she's been gone so long and is so tiny I probably won't find her. I said that would be worse for me. He said it would be easier for him. I said she's my BABY. She might as well have been a baby I carried to term. I had a name. I had plans. I had dreams. All gone. He wasn't at that point. I feel bad again.
That morning I was at Michael (the boy I babysit)'s house and I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of red in my panties. I had had a little brown once or twice before, but never red, so I was immediately concerned. So of course I started rationalizing. Well maybe when I was "cleaning up" I scratched my cervix or something...or maybe it was tripping over the dog last night - maybe that just jarred things a little.
But within 30 min there was red mixed with brown every time I wiped. I paged PG. I called Glynis and left a message for her to pray. I called Crystal and got her to call Lisa (my midwife) since I couldn't call long distance from Michael's house. Crystal started a prayer thread on CMF for me.
Lisa called me back and I told her what was happening. She said not to panic...sometimes women bleed and nothing is wrong...but she suggested that I see if I could find an OB office that would let me come in for an u/s just to see what was going on. PG called back and I told him what was going on. He told me to call around and let him know and he would meet me whereever.
I called Greenville OB/Gyn first because I knew the midwives there were cool with homebirthers, but none of the appointments people were there (it was lunch time) and I really didn't want to wait an hour+ to find out if I could be seen. So I called Carolina Women's Physicians where DeEtte (a CNM friend of mine) works and asked to speak to her. I told her I just needed to see what was going on, and would her OB be ok with me coming by. She said she would talk to her and call me back. In about 10 minutes she called back and said to come right over, they would get me back as soon as possible.
Michael's dad came to watch all the boys and I met PG and picked him up and we went to the dr's office. Insurance paperwork, then they took us straight to the u/s room. The technician asked when my last period was, but I couldn't think straight. I said "I know I'm 11 weeks today...can we find a calendar" and she counted back and said "Does May 28 sound right?" and I said yes...that was right, I just couldn't think of it at the time. So I laid down on the table and she put the nasty goo on my belly and started looking. I could see my uterus and a dark shape in it. It didn't look baby shaped, so I was almost scared to ask if that was the baby, so I just watched. She asked if I was sure of my dates and PG told her oh yes, she's pretty obsessive about the dates.
The tech measured some things and typed some things and I finally asked said "So what are we looking at..." She said "well this is the fetal pole" and I know I said "So there *is* something in there?" I was actually not even thinking about a heartbeat or anything...I was just happy to hear that I *WAS* in fact pregnant. This pregnancy had been so different...I was never sick or anything...I had been doubting the whole time that I was actually pregnant at all...Kept thining I should take another test just to make sure. Then she said "But I...I'm sorry to say I can't find a heart beat. I'm sorry to have to tell you that."
Reality struck me. It didn't matter that there was a baby on the screen...it wasn't alive. I just bit my bottom lip and tried to hold back the tears. She did another couple of measurements and said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks. BAM. Another smack from reality...she died before the drama with my inlaws. Before my interview with Lisa. Before I had that brown discharge after sex a couple of weeks ago. Before we told Ian or anyone at church or ANYONE that we were even pregnant. She was already dead.
The tech wiped off my belly, gave us some klenex and said she would just leave us alone for a bit and a nurse would come get us to do my vitals and such. I didn't really cry. I was numb. 1000 thoughts going through my head. I need to call Lisa. I need to call mom. Oh God we have to tell everyone. I can't do that. Who will get the boys? My baby is dead. I won't have a homebirth for my 30th birthday now. My birthday will suck. Every year. I will know I should be having HER party and won't. Numb.
The nurse came and had me sit at their little vitals station and took my blood pressure and pulse. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. We went back to the exam room and another nurse came in and took my history. She was polite, but never said she was sorry or anything. I wish she had at least said she was sorry.
Then DeEtte came in. As soon as she walked in we both started crying and I just hugged her. I'm so so glad she was there. We talked about what to expect, how since it had been 4 weeks I really needed something to happen soon because I could get an infection. She gave me a perscription for cytotec to use intervaginally if things didn't happen on their own, and 2 scripts for pain meds. I knew I wouldn't use them. I fold my klenex into interesting shapes. She said that once I miscarry to call and make an appointment for a week afterwards for another ultrasound to make sure nothing was retained. PG asked how long we should wait before using the cytotec and she said no more than 5 days. I just nodded. Cytotec is scary. It causes uterine rupture. I don't want to use it. I don't want a D&C either becaue it could scar my uterus or cause incompetent cervix.
DeEtte says she hates this...but it is one of those things that comes along with having a big family...I know that...it doens't make it hurt less. She hugs me again and says to call if she needs anything. I toss my klenex...it's in pieces by now. I get new ones on the way out the door.
We walk out. I try not to cry as I pass all the happy pregnant women. They shouldn't need to worry about their babies dying. A couple of people give me knowing looks as we leave. I wonder if they have had losses, too?
We get in the car and drive back to where PG's car is parked. I make him call mom and my sisters on the way. I can't talk on the phone. He starts all the calls with "We've got some bad news...Vallere's had a miscarriage." I cringe. I hate that word. It doesn't say what happened. What happened was that our BABY DIED. Miscarriage is such an ugly word...I told him that...that I'd rather he say we lost the baby because that's what happened and miscarriage is ugly. He said he's sorry, he didn't know it bothered me. I didn't either until he had said it. I hate I made a big deal out of it...now he's feeling bad.
We swap seats and I tell him to leave me the phone so I can call Crystal on my way home. He says he needs to check in at work first, so he gets out and talks to his boss for a minute. I lose it and cry in the car. He hangs up and opens my door. "You want me to ride home with you?" *nod nod nod* I get back in the passenger seat. We drive home. I call Crystal. She comforts me. I tried to call Victoria to tell her I wouldn't be at the LLL meeting tonight and could she cover for me. No one answers. I don't want to leave a message. I'll call back later.
PG wants to stop by church to let our pastor know. I call Glynis while he's inside. She weeps with me. She had been praying all day. I hope she doesn't blame God.
PG comes back. The pastor wasn't there - PG left a message with the secretary. We went by and picked up the boys. Ian gave me a sweet kiss as he got in the car. Will we tell him? We get home. PG calls his sister and uncle. He goes outside to call his mom. He comes back in and the phone starts ringing. He says not to answer it, it's her, she knows I don't want to talk, but she wants to leave me a message. She's crying so hard I can't understand her. Good, I think. I hope she's upset after what she said.
My sister and her boyfriend come by. The boys are asleep but they are going to take them for the night once they wake up. We sit and chat. They turn the topic to D&D. I try to hang but I keep zoning out. Our pastor comes. We talk a little. He asks what happened so I tell him about the dr's office. I keep saying she and he asks if we had seen that it was a girl and I say no, I dreamed it though. He asks what will happen now and I say I hope it happens on its own, she'll be very tiny but I hope we can find her.
I realize I didn't ask for an u/s picture. I realize I need to figgure out what to do with her remains. I can't talk anymore. Everyone is talking but me. I wish they would leave. I just want a nap or a shower or something. I just want me and PG. Dave goes to get me some BoBerry biscuits because I haven't eaten all day. I eat one and drink some milk. I'm not hungry.
I say that I need a nap. Pastor takes the hint and leaves. The boys wake up. PG helps them move the carseats into their car and I pack the boys a bag. I love them and I want to be with them but I want to be alone too. I don't want them to see me crying or in pain. I don't know when "labor" will start.
I realize I never called anyone else about the LLL meeting. I feel horrible...I hope no one came.
PG says he needs to get his mind off things and asks if it's ok if he still goes to play softball tonight. I say sure. I figgured I would just take a bath and go to bed anyway. He grieves differently from me...if he needs to go that is ok. He goes to the game. I take a shower. I cry. The hot water feels good. I check myself and my cervix is short. That's good, I think. It was long yesterday. Maybe things will happen fast.
I go back downstairs to post on Facebook and check email and CMF. Everyone is so sweet. It makes me cry to see so many moms who have been through this. The support is so nice. PG comes home and plays online some, then calls his uncle back. They talk for a while. He needed that.
We talk about what to do with her remains. Whether to have genetic testing done. Whether to name her. He says all those things make it harder on him. Now I feel bad again that they are so important to me. We go to bed. We lay and talk for a while. We decide that we have to name her Anna Zophia becaues it would be weird to name another baby that name now. We talk about whether to buy a plant for her or to have her cremated and make a garden stone. I say I'll call some funeral homes tomorrow and ask about prices. He asks if he can go to work. My mom is coming...I'll be fine. He needs to go to get away from here.
We sleep. All night. The first night I've slept all night since I was pregnant with Zollie. I dreamed about being chased. Again.
I hear crying. Is that Ian? Back to sleep. I hear crying? Zollie? Ian? Then I realize they aren't here. Is it the dog whining? Where is PG? I listen. He's in the shower bawling. Do I go to him or does he want to be alone? I go. I reach in and hug him. We cry. He says he was just imagining holding her in his hands and telling her he was so so sorry. I told him that whatever was wrong with her is fixed now. She's all perfect now. But I still miss her and it still sucks and I hate it. We cry some more. I go back to bed. I can't sleep. PG gets ready for work. He says to call if I need him.
I get up and play online. Distraction. I call DeEtte to see if there are any copies of the u/s pics I could have. As soon as she picks up the phone I start crying again. She says she'll ask her dr if they were saved on the computer and if they were she'll get copies for me. She gives me her cell number so if I need her this weekend I can get her directly. I call funeral homes. The first one says it would cost $275. The second one says they've never had that situation before and they'll check and to call back later. I'm not calling back. The third doesn't open till 10. I won't call them back either. We'll just buy a cactus for her. I don't feel right about cremating her anyway. I get on ebay and start stalking a cactus.
It's 10:51 and I'm still waiting on mom to get here. She said she'd stop by the store and get me some pads and klenex. I'm getting crampy. I hope this is it. I hope I can find my daughter's remains. I hope I can take a picture or something and that everyone doesn't think that's nasty and gross. When PG and I were talking about it, he kept saying she's been gone so long and is so tiny I probably won't find her. I said that would be worse for me. He said it would be easier for him. I said she's my BABY. She might as well have been a baby I carried to term. I had a name. I had plans. I had dreams. All gone. He wasn't at that point. I feel bad again.
July 23, 2009
8w0d
Feeling pretty good today. We got our appt with Lisa rescheduled for Tuesday at 7:30. YAY!
Zollie has been very VERY fussy the last few days. I'm feeling very touched out, and he just wants to be held all the time and nurse all the time...it's wearing on me. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that I shouldn't be fussing at him so much...I know I'm hormonal and he doesn't deserve to be yelled at just because he wants attention. But I've got a VERY short fuse right now!
I've got a pretty exciting few days coming up. Tomorrow, PG's roomie from college - Kiru - is coming to visit. They lived together for a couple of years in the dorms and then went to med school together. He was a groomsman in our wedding, too. I haven't seen Kiru since maybe med school graduation so I'm SO excited to see him! He's never met our kids and doesn't know I'm expecting again. I think Crystal is going to drop by tomorrow to see him as well. We were all very good friends back in college.
Saturday, Kiru will probably be here till lunchtime or so, and then PG is going to go help his sister move. I've got a homebirth meet-up at 4pm that I'm very excited about too. Then church on Sunday, then just 2 more days till we see Lisa!
I can't wait to have our interview. I know PG has a lot of questions for her...we need to come up with a good list. The questions I have are mostly "have you delivered and twins/breech babies" and about what the normal tests she does are and whether we might be able to file those with insurance.
I'll get another pic next week. *I* think I'm showing more, but it could just be wishful thinking.
Feeling pretty good today. We got our appt with Lisa rescheduled for Tuesday at 7:30. YAY!
Zollie has been very VERY fussy the last few days. I'm feeling very touched out, and he just wants to be held all the time and nurse all the time...it's wearing on me. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that I shouldn't be fussing at him so much...I know I'm hormonal and he doesn't deserve to be yelled at just because he wants attention. But I've got a VERY short fuse right now!
I've got a pretty exciting few days coming up. Tomorrow, PG's roomie from college - Kiru - is coming to visit. They lived together for a couple of years in the dorms and then went to med school together. He was a groomsman in our wedding, too. I haven't seen Kiru since maybe med school graduation so I'm SO excited to see him! He's never met our kids and doesn't know I'm expecting again. I think Crystal is going to drop by tomorrow to see him as well. We were all very good friends back in college.
Saturday, Kiru will probably be here till lunchtime or so, and then PG is going to go help his sister move. I've got a homebirth meet-up at 4pm that I'm very excited about too. Then church on Sunday, then just 2 more days till we see Lisa!
I can't wait to have our interview. I know PG has a lot of questions for her...we need to come up with a good list. The questions I have are mostly "have you delivered and twins/breech babies" and about what the normal tests she does are and whether we might be able to file those with insurance.
I'll get another pic next week. *I* think I'm showing more, but it could just be wishful thinking.
July 19, 2009
7w3d
Is it just me, or am I already showing???
DH says I've had this pooch since Zollie was born, but comparing it to the 5wk pic I took...um...I look bigger to me. Anywho, we made it through the whole beach trip without MIL asking if I was pregnant! Woot! So I guess if I *am* showing, it's not enough to set off her preg-dar. Still feeling pretty good, still eating plenty. Haven't thrown up yet, though Zollie has had a couple of diapers that PG had to change because I was gagging myself silly.
Looks like I might have to change my mw appt...PG is on call that Saturday I'm pretty sure. HUGE bummer for me...I really wanted to go see her! And it's not a real appt that I could just do myself, it's supposed to be our interview so it is VITALLY important for PG to be there with me. This might put off telling parents for another month, though if I really am showing now I don't think we can hide it for aother month.
Ian keeps saying he wants God to put a baby gurl in my belly. We haven't really told him yet that there IS a baby in there, I just keep saying "I would like that, too" He's so cute. He's going to be a great big brother again.
July 12, 2009
6w3d
Felt quite nausious this morning trying to get the boys ready for church. I actually gagged a couple of times. I think I'll take that as a good sign!
I have been really concerned about the health of his pregnancy because it is SO different from my first two. I laid in bed a few nights ago, just praying for God to give me a sign that everything was ok. I begged and begged and finally this picture of a yellow butterfly flashed through my mind and I said "Ok, God...give me yellow butterfly, then I'll know everything is ok". That night I dreamed I was in labor and my awesome hb mw was there (even though I was on a hospital bed? I dreamed I had the other two in a hospital too, so I'm not so worried about that) but my mom wasn't there, and the baby was crowning and I said "I can't have her till Mom is here!" so I just stopped pushing and mom finally got there and out came my beautiful little girl!
I dreamed the other two were boys pretty early on, so I'm feeling pretty sure this one is a girl. Between that dream, and the fact that Ian says maybe 5 times a day "I want God to put a baby gurl in your belly", I'm fairly confident. LOL
So what do I see fluttering right across my path as we're walking home from church today? A yellow butterfly. I totally know what I'm painting on my belly cast this time!
First appt with my midwife is the 25th. It can't get here fast enough. My mom wants us to go to White Lake with her the first week of Aug, so that seems like a good time to tell her I'm pregnant.
On a sad note, PG is hiking up in the Smokey Mountains with Kenzie (my sister) and her boyfriend Adam. They haven't been able to call today, probably no reception, but they called last night when they were fixing to set up camp and PG said "you would have died...I'm so glad you didn't come" Apparently the first day was a LOT of uphill...my sister (who is in great shape) said it was horrid. Adam, however, is apparently a machine. PG said he was barely out of breath!
On a sour note, I told my sister Suzanne today about how I might be able to work as a midwife's assistant and her first words were "can't you get arrested for that" She's never been in favor of us having a homebirth. We can't even really talk about it. I'm seriously having second thoughts about inviting her to the birth. She was at both the boys' births at the birth center, and was great taking pictures and rubbing my feet, but if she's not going to be supportive, I don't know that I want that kind of negative energy here. Maybe I'm just too hormonal. We'll have to see how things play out as the pregnancy progresses. I'll probably wait till 7wk to do a belly shot at this point. Trust me, nothing has changed.
Felt quite nausious this morning trying to get the boys ready for church. I actually gagged a couple of times. I think I'll take that as a good sign!
I have been really concerned about the health of his pregnancy because it is SO different from my first two. I laid in bed a few nights ago, just praying for God to give me a sign that everything was ok. I begged and begged and finally this picture of a yellow butterfly flashed through my mind and I said "Ok, God...give me yellow butterfly, then I'll know everything is ok". That night I dreamed I was in labor and my awesome hb mw was there (even though I was on a hospital bed? I dreamed I had the other two in a hospital too, so I'm not so worried about that) but my mom wasn't there, and the baby was crowning and I said "I can't have her till Mom is here!" so I just stopped pushing and mom finally got there and out came my beautiful little girl!
I dreamed the other two were boys pretty early on, so I'm feeling pretty sure this one is a girl. Between that dream, and the fact that Ian says maybe 5 times a day "I want God to put a baby gurl in your belly", I'm fairly confident. LOL
So what do I see fluttering right across my path as we're walking home from church today? A yellow butterfly. I totally know what I'm painting on my belly cast this time!
First appt with my midwife is the 25th. It can't get here fast enough. My mom wants us to go to White Lake with her the first week of Aug, so that seems like a good time to tell her I'm pregnant.
On a sad note, PG is hiking up in the Smokey Mountains with Kenzie (my sister) and her boyfriend Adam. They haven't been able to call today, probably no reception, but they called last night when they were fixing to set up camp and PG said "you would have died...I'm so glad you didn't come" Apparently the first day was a LOT of uphill...my sister (who is in great shape) said it was horrid. Adam, however, is apparently a machine. PG said he was barely out of breath!
On a sour note, I told my sister Suzanne today about how I might be able to work as a midwife's assistant and her first words were "can't you get arrested for that" She's never been in favor of us having a homebirth. We can't even really talk about it. I'm seriously having second thoughts about inviting her to the birth. She was at both the boys' births at the birth center, and was great taking pictures and rubbing my feet, but if she's not going to be supportive, I don't know that I want that kind of negative energy here. Maybe I'm just too hormonal. We'll have to see how things play out as the pregnancy progresses. I'll probably wait till 7wk to do a belly shot at this point. Trust me, nothing has changed.
July 5, 2009
Everyone is back to being healthy! We're still skipping church today, because PG doesn't want anyone to get sick and then blame him for it. There seems to be SUCH a stigma about swine flu... it's almost like people see it like a nasty STD heh...
Anyway, revamped EDD is Mar 4, now. We told all three of our sisters yesterday, because we've decided I shouldn't go on the hiking trip this coming weekend, and they would have known something was up. We've told them that under no circumstances should they tell ANYONE. We already have planned how to tell our parents and I don't want that messed up.
I've had actual "morning" sickness this time...nausious and weak till lunchtime, and then RAVENOUS the rest of the day. PG is shocked at how much I"m eating. I am too! My nipples are also REALLY sore. I've been putting Zollie off a lot when he wants to nurse...trying to limit it to maybe 4-5 times a day and twice at night. Even with a good latch, it feels like he's biting me.
I can't wait till the 25th for our midwife appt! I've been making a list of questions for us to ask Lisa when we get there. Ian keeps saying he wants a gurl baby because he already has a boy baby and he needs a sister. That kid cracks me up. He's going to be a great big brother (again!). I can't wait to really tell him that there is a baby in my belly...thus far we've just been saying "how would you like for mama to have another baby?" because we don't want him saying something to his grandparents.
I'm going to try to do weekly belly pics...I'm a couple of days late for my 5wk, but here it is:
June 30, 2009
Talked to Lisa, my hb mw and we have an interview on July 25! I'm soooo stoked! I have very few questions for her, having doula'd at a birth she attended recently, but PG has quite a few, I'm sure. Or at least he will once he can think clearly.
PG found out Monday morning that he has swine flu. He's been battling a really high fever (103), nausia, fatigue, malaise, acheyness, etc. since then. So far the boys and I are ok. I've been drinking Emergen-C every day and fluid loading. Zollie is still nursing plenty, and Ian is eating well. Praying PG feels better soon. He's so miserable.
Haven't been very hungry today. Had a glass of milk for breakfast, bowl of beef stew for lunch, half a grapefruit and chicken and rice soup for supper, bowl of icecream for a snack. (Fish Food...)
Because the first two tests had such faint lines, I think DH was not really convinced I was pregnant, so he had me get another test today. Line was MUCH darker, so he's definately convinced. I think it was good for me, too, because I haven't been feeling a lot of morning sickness yet, which is unusual for me. It made me feel a lot better seeing a darker line.
((PG ended up having Swine flu. He and the boys took Tamiflu, but I couldn't, being pregnant. PG was the only one who got sick.))
PG found out Monday morning that he has swine flu. He's been battling a really high fever (103), nausia, fatigue, malaise, acheyness, etc. since then. So far the boys and I are ok. I've been drinking Emergen-C every day and fluid loading. Zollie is still nursing plenty, and Ian is eating well. Praying PG feels better soon. He's so miserable.
Haven't been very hungry today. Had a glass of milk for breakfast, bowl of beef stew for lunch, half a grapefruit and chicken and rice soup for supper, bowl of icecream for a snack. (Fish Food...)
Because the first two tests had such faint lines, I think DH was not really convinced I was pregnant, so he had me get another test today. Line was MUCH darker, so he's definately convinced. I think it was good for me, too, because I haven't been feeling a lot of morning sickness yet, which is unusual for me. It made me feel a lot better seeing a darker line.
((PG ended up having Swine flu. He and the boys took Tamiflu, but I couldn't, being pregnant. PG was the only one who got sick.))
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