August 16, 2009

The boys spent the night with Suzanna/Kenzie/Mom again Friday night. So yesterday morning, PG and I got up early and went shopping. We found a pretty pink flower pot for when we get our cactus, then we went to Michael's and I got some small wooden butterflies that I'll paint and glue to the pot. I also got a wooden box that I'm going to decopage some pretty fabric to and use for the keepsakes...I've got cards people sent, and the ultrasound pictures (should find out for sure on Monday if I can get those). I'm also making her a little hat and a little blanket...I did it for my boys so she should get one, too. I found a bigger butterfly I'll put on top of the box when it's finished.

Then we picked up the boys and went to PG's boss's beachhouse at Emerald Isle. They were having a child psych get-together. I thought it would be good to get away for the day. Only 2 or 3 people acknowledged what had happened and talked with me about how we're doing. I know they all spoke to PG at work on Friday, and they all signed a card that they sent, but it was just really awkward for me. I mean, it hurts to talk about it, but all they had to say was "I'm sorry." It was weird. The boys had a good time playing at the beach, though, and the food was good (not that I ate much). I think I really overdid it and shouldn't have done so much so soon. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. Thank God Zollie only woke up one time last night. What a blessing.

We got up this morning and got ready for church. I figgured I needed to go because next week I have to be a greeter and I figgured it would be easier to deal with everyone this week than next week when I *have* to stand at the front of church. I got all the way to the parking lot and just couldn't do it. I can't imagine having 100 people hug me and tell me they are sorry, or worse, not know what happened and just try to chat with me like it's a normal Sunday.

I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm going to see if Lindsay or Susan can watch the boys for a few hours today so I can work on the keepsake box. I feel like I need to be busy doing something.

I think, once everything is over, I'm going to write a letter to the OB office. I want to thank them for seeing me at all, and especially on such short notice, knowing that I was planning a homebirth. I'm going to suggest, though, that in the future they have some sort of packet for moms who have lost their babies with all the support groups and websites. I am also thinking about maybe making a bunch of little hats to take there so that moms who have lost can have a little something to take home with them...EVERY baby deserves something hand-made.

I've been trying to contact the Find Hope support group here - it's at PCMH and is for moms who have miscarried or had a stillbirth - but it's been busy all morning.