August 18, 2009

Last night was really rough for me. I got on FaceBook to send DeEtte a message letting her know how much I appreciated her bringing by the ultrasound pictures, and saw that yesterday was the day she got to find out whether she was having a boy or a girl. Her u/s pictures were posted on her page. I'm so happy for her, that she's having a little boy this time and that he's healthy, but I was so so so sad thinking about how different our two u/s outcomes were.

I should be planning my u/s in a couple of months to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I should be thinking about pulling out baby clothes and washing them. I should be planning my birth. But instead I'm looking online for a cactus to bury my baby under. I'm lying in bed, bleeding. I'm hurting so bad. And it's not fair.

I told PG last night, after I had a good long cry, that I think I need to stay away from some of my mom boards for a while because if I hear one more person complain about how they hope their baby comes soon because they are sooo miserable and tired of being pregnant, I'd just scream. He said "It gives a whole new perspective on miserable, huh?" Yes. Absolutely, yes.

I had an appt this morning at 9:30 for my follow up u/s. I dropped the boys off with Suzanne (she has been such an angel this weekend, watching them so much for me) and headed to the office. I was so nervous that there would be something left and they would send me to the hospital. My bp was high. My heart was pounding. I got on the table and, thank God, there was nothing left. It was a relief, but it was horrible to see an empty uterus up there on the big screen TV.

Empty. My uterus is empty. My arms are going to be empty. This house will always feel empty because someone is missing from our family. An emtpy spot in family pictures. Just empty.

I had to head over to get my bloodwork done after the u/s, but I was out of checks so I ran by where PG was working today to get the bank card. Apparently his boss asked who I was and PG told him what had happened and he told PG to take off at lunch today and not to come next Tuesday if he didn't feel up to it. What a sweet man. I'm glad PG is home. He's getting to work out (he's been wanting to all weekend).

I've been thinking about dates. Like for the ticker on this blog, I had to pick my "goodbye to Anna" date. It took me a while to decide when it should be. Aug 13, when we found out she was gone? Aug 14, when she was born? Some random day in July, when she actually died? What will be her memorial date? Her birthday? Her EDD? This is all so confusing. I wonder what other moms who have lost do. It's so complicated because she died so long before we knew about it. 7 weeks gestation is barely anything, but I thought I was pregnant up until 11 weeks, so does that make it ok that I feel so overwhelmed by this grief?

I checked out a few books from the library today on how to deal with miscarriage. I want to read them, but I don't. I doubt they will say anything I don't already know. Does it make it better that other people have been there, done that? That I'm not alone? I have people calling and emailing and sending cards every day. People who have lost babies and know how I feel. But I still feel absolutely alone.

Dr Lamson called back while we were in town. I'll call her tomorrow morning. She said she would be in her office from 9-11am.

I tried to make Anna a little blanket last night, but it didn't come out right. It should have been a square, but instead it's shaped like a snowflake. I thought that was very appropriate. Anna was like a snowflake...uniquely mine, and gone before I could hold her in my hand. I think instead of making hats I'll make little snowflakes. I'll have to think on a name for the ministry. I know snowflake babies usually refers to adopted frozen embryos. Maybe Snowflakes of Hope? I'll think about it.