Wow, I haven't written in a while. What's been going on?
Still crying at the drop of a hat, still very depressed. I'm not getting restful sleep...I can sleep all night, but when I wake up I'm still exhausted. I'm eating a little better some days. I'm either very hungry or not hungry at all.
Life is awefully cruel. It's apparently not bad enough that I'm having to deal with the death of my baby, I also got a frantic call from mom on Friday saying she was on the way to the hospital with Memaw (that's mom's mom, for those who don't know). Appaently she had woken up in the night, swolen and unable to breathe. My aunt Sherrill took her to the hospital in Greensboro and her blood pressure was 230/160.
Mom stayed with her Friday night - Sunday evening. I came down after church and took over until Monday afternoon. Her bp came down to a reasonable level (it was in the 160/85 range), but her liver enzymes were high (probably because of the bp spike) so they kept checking her blood for that to make sure the levels were coming down. Apparently they came down enough because Monday morning they did a heart cath.
The doctor found a couple of areas from her previous bypass surery that were degrading and causing blockages. He feels like she needs stints, but wants to wait till tomorrow to put those in because he would need to use more dye and doesn't want to overload her kidneys right now.
Mom called me back today and said that Memaw's hemoglobin is so low that the are giving her blood transfusions now. I don't know what that will mean for her cath/stint procedure tomorrow.
Today I taught this morning. Class went well but I'm concerned that some of the girls either aren't takeing school seriously this year because tey are used to public school and Roseleaf is so different, or if we just really need to work on note-taking skills. I gave a quiz today, that the questions were based on their notes and the homework they did the day before, and no one did well on it. I'm concerned about what this will mean long term, but I think I just need to make it clear that this is SCHOOL and they are being held to the same, or HIGHER standards than they were used to last year in public school.
I've got an appointment tomorrow with Dr Lamson. I am still feeling so depressed and some things happened this week that have upset me more...more thoughts, anxiety, just overwhelming sadness.
Well, the kids are playing in the tub and I need to get them in the bed, so I'll head off and do that. We've got a playgroup tomorrow after my meeting with Dr Lamson, and I'm actually looking forward to that. I need to get out, and the boys need to get out, I know that. It's just hard to be around people when it feel awkward, wondering what they are going to say, or if I'll see or hear something that will just set me off crying again.
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Every time I read your posts I have flashbacks of what I went through. I was very depressed after my miscarriages. I didn't care about church, about work, about anything really. I also would cry at the drop of a hat. It seemed like everywhere I went there would be a reminder of what happened. I went through the stages of dying....denial, anger bargaining, depression and eventually (though it took a long time to get there) acceptance.
I know it's hard. There will be good days to come . . . I promise. I know it's hard to believe but there will be. You are still in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be.
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