September 21, 2009

It's been a while since I've blogged...I think I'm getting to the point where I don't *need* to as much anymore. I guess that means that I'm "moving on" or "working through my grief" or something. Or maybe I've just been busy, or just didn't feel quite up to pouring my heart out again.

I've noticed that I'm not thinking about her constantly anymore. Daily, yes, but not constantly like those first few weeks. School has started back, so two days a week I'm teaching, two more I'm preparing lessons. I'm trying to do homeschool with Ian on a semi-regular basis. We are working on letter sounds and numbers. He's starting to learn his numbers 1-10 in Spanish, and to practice writing letters and counting objects. He's doing really great! His 2's look like 2's.

The most intersting thing that has happened to me lately is that I've learned how to "coupon". My friend Mimi - a fellow LLL Leader - took me to Harris Teeter for the first day of "tripple coupon week" and showed me how to do it. I got about $58 in groceries for just over $16. I'm absolutely hooked. I'm working on getting an organized notebook to keep all my coupons in and all that jazz. PG thinks it's great. I got paid for babysitting Bailey today, so I've got a little extra money now. Maybe I can go again tomorrow (last day of tripples week) and get a few more things.

Saturday we went to Chapel Hill for the ECU game. Cris and Leann went with us. It was a terrible game. ECU looked more like a bunch of guys out playing football together than a team. They absolutely deserved to lose playing the way they did. I honestly don't feel bad about missing the game next week now. We're going to New Bern for a couple of days. PG has a psych conference to go to, so I'm going to take the boys and spend a couple of days with Crystal and her kids. We'll probably get in a few hours of D&D while we are there.

People are still asking me how I'm doing, which is nice. I would rather them ask than to ignore that anything happened. It's hard to see my pregnant friends, though. I've got two who are due within a month of when I should be, so I'll spend the next few months watching their bellies grow, and probably being their doula. I'm so happy for them, and so sad for myself. Is that selfish? I actually thought I might be pregnant again this past week. I was nausious and having an upset stomach. I tested, but it was negative. I didn't know whether to feel sad or relieved.

I found this poem on another blog. She lost her baby to SIDS, and someone had posted this in one of the comments. I don't know the author, but I think it sums me up pretty well:

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.