September 4, 2009

I don't know if it's easier or harder to keep blogging about what life is like right now. On one hand it's good, I think, to get it all out. But on the other, reliving the day's events, or a couple of days, is painful.

I wanted to go home to be with my randmother this weekend, but we have no gas money, and lots of plans for the weekend. And my sisters are going to be there, and she seems pretty stable right now, so I'm taking the risk of not going in order to try to have a "normal" weekend and I feel horribly guilty about it. So little is normal right now. I'm exhausted. I'm weak from not eating. I don't get restful sleep because I have nightmares all night. Every night I'm dreaming that I'm being stalked, hunted, chased. And I hide, and they find me, and I have to run again. Over and over, every night, different places and different people, but always the same theme. I "sleep" for plenty of hours, but I haven't had a good, restful night's sleep in 3 weeks.

It's been three weeks. Three Fridays ago my little girl was born, unceremoniously, while I was sitting on the toilet. She almost got flushed, but I saw her just in time. So different from my other two births...they were so full of hope and joy and elation, and Anna's birth was just dread, and fear, and sadness.

Three weeks and I'm still crying every day, sometimes many times a day. I was watching Ian today as he explained something in the overly verbose way that only a 3yo can do, and I just started crying because I will never get to hear Anna's imagination at work. I'll never get to see her playing with her big brothers, never see how gentle and protective (or rough and tumble) they would be with her. Never dress her up in pretty dresses or comb her hair or put ribbons in it.

I just feel so crushed by this sadness. Dr Lamson said that the biggest thing for me right now would be to start getting some good sleep, because until I'm rested I'll still not have an appetite and I'll not be able to cope well with these feelings. She's right, and I WANT to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I'm consantly at the end of my rope with the boys. I feel like such a bad mom riht now. I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel good.

I planned to go to LLL last night. I felt like i needed to get back into "normal" stuff again. But when the time came I just didn't want to leave the house. Today I went to the post office and mailed off some more snowflakes with the boys. Then we went to the library. Someone there asked me if they were my only children. I hessitated for that split second that it took me to think "Should I say something about our little girl in Heaven? No, she doesn't want to hear that..." So I just said that I just had the two so far. She smiled...that's what she wanted to hear. Then I felt so bad about it because it was like I was denying Anna existed.

This just sucks.