August 21, 2009

Today was a very long day with a lot of highs and lows.

We started out first thing this morning with PG's mom coming by to pick up the boys for an overnight trip. That was very awkward and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She has apologized for what she said, but I'm still just hurting too much to want to be around her right now. I do hope things go well with the boys tonight, though. It'll be Zollie's first overnight trip with her. I hope she doesn't bring him back too late tomorrow because I haven't gotten to nurse him since 8:00 this morning. Interestingly enough, I'm all all full of milk. I mean, I can tell they aren't empty, but they aren't engorged even after 12+ hours. That makes me kinda sad. I can't stand the thought of losing something else this week.

At 9:00 PG and I met with Dr Lamson. We talked about ourselves, how we met, our marriage and kids, and we talked about Anna and PG's parents and other things, too. She was very nice and insightful. I hope I can go back maybe weekly for a while. She said that Find Hope tends to start up in September. I'll be looking forward to that as well.

After that, PG and I went for lunch at McAllisters (yum) and then I dropped him off at work. I had a few hours to blow so I headed to the bank to deposit some checks and then on to the library with the intention of reading a couple of the books on loss that I had checked out. I finished up a book on miscarriage, which told me nothing I didn't already know, and was written in maybe the 80's to boot, so it was pretty dated. Then I started on another one that was just about infant loss and I had to stop about 1 chapter in. This book spent very little time on miscarriage and a lot of time on premature infant death, stillbirth, and "theraputic abortion" which is something I just DID NOT want to read about at all.

So I gave up on the library and went out to the car to call some of the ladies who had emailed me back about my request for yarn on FreeCycle. I spent the next couple of hours driving around town, picking up a plethora of yarn from some very nice women. One in particular had just had a miscarriage in July, so we stood out in her driveway and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. I asked her if she would like me to make her a snowflake, and she said that she thought she was doing pretty good right now, but I would like ot make her one anyway. She gave me a TON of yarn, and she was still pretty raw from her loss, so I just feel like I should send her one.

I also went by The Rock (a Christian book store) to look through their books and was disappointed to see that they didn't have a SINGLE book about dealing with grief or loss (other than some parenting books on how to help your child through a loss). Bleh. I did find a really cute mustard seed pin, though, which now resides on my pocketbook. I've wanted a mustard seed necklace for a while but can't find one, so the pin will have to do for now.

At aout 4:40 I parked at PG's office because I expected him to get out at about 5 and we were looking forward to a date night. While I waited for him I crochetted about 4 snowflakes. He finally came out at 5:30 and we went to Japan Inn and had some delicious hibachi and sushi for supper (and edamame for an appetizer mmmmmmmm) and were planning to go watch a movie but we had an hour until it started so we went to Lowe's just to look around. While we were in there I just started feeling very tired and lightheaded. I told PG I just could barely keep my eyes open and asked if maybe we could just go home and try to catch a matinee tomorrow and he said ok.

So right now we are home. We walked the dogs, and preseason football is on TV. PG is making us some iced coffee and we are eating chocolate. Just for reference, Hersey makes dark chocolate with bits of cranberries, blueberries and almonds in it. It's delicious. You should get some.

When the game goes off we are heading to bed. I'm going to try to get a backrub. In the morning we are going to try to do some housecleaning and then see about a matinee before the boys come home. I miss them.