Things you should NEVER EVER say to a woman who has just lost her baby:
1) "There's always next time..."
Wow, where to start...so when your husband dies I can say "Oh don't worry, you can always re-marry..."?? Yeah, it feels the same way when you say it to me. Like just because I can get pregnant again it makes up for the fact that our baby died. :/
2) "Well just remember how blessed you are to have those two boys."
I am. I truely am, blessed beyond words, to have my two boys. I know there are women out there who never get the chance to have their own children and I DO know how blessed I am. But I'm supposed to have THREE children, not two, and just because I still do have two of them doesn't make it "ok" that one is dead.
3) "She was probably just sick." or "It was probably for the best so you wouldn't have a very disabled child."
So because she was sick or would have been disabled, it was for the best? Whose best? I would have loved her anyway, no matter how disabled she was!
Ug...there are more, I'll add them later.
But seriously, folks, if you NEED to say something, just say "I'm sorry." Saying something aweful just to make yourself feel better because you feel the need to "fix" things just makes it worse for me. Everything is not ok, everything isn't going to BE ok for a long time. You can't fix it, and honestly nothing you say is going to make me feel better about it. I know eventually I'll not be so sad, and eventually I might not think about her every day, much less the every single minute of every day thing I'm doing right now. So please, just acknowledge that I'm hurting and don't try to offer trite condolences. Just say "I'm sorry." I just need to know that you care about how I feel and that you acknowledge my loss.
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4 comments:
remember when i wrote this: "You may have people say really insensitive things. Just take it with a grain of salt. You grieve however you need to, and take as long as you need to. This will forever change you and you need not rush anything."
this is exactly what i was talking about. :( I'm so sorry hon.
I heard all of the above too. I always say that NO ONE can understand who has not been through it. Once you have been through it, you see things in a very different perspective. I remember telling a friend after I lost my first that I was "only 6 weeks along" and she (who had been through a m/c) said, "yeah but it was still your baby". That really stuck with me and made me feel so much better in knowing that it was not stupid to be so sad. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have been heavy in my thoughts and prayers this week. Looking forward to meeting you IRL one day soon.
Totally agree! Saying "just look at the two beautiful children you have" is bad...it makes you feel selfish. I KNOW this. It's definitely not comforting. Even though my children are the only things that pulled me through..I had to come to that realization on my own, not by someone telling me.
I am so sorry. I understand how those things are hurtful to hear. I have lost 3 babies and still think about them, what they would look like, on and on and on...I so understand and I sympathize with you and am praying for you. Shine on!
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