So it's Halloween! This has always been one of my most favorite holidays - it's fun, you get to dress up, and you get candy. Love it! But this year we have a nearly 4yo who gets scared easily and that put a whole new twist on things. He's watched one too many Scooby Doo cartoons and now he's terrified to go to bed with the lights off because there might be a boogy man or a ghost in his room. So we had tentatively decided not to go Trick or Treating becasue we didn't want to add to his fears. I also started thinking that maybe that was God's way of saying we shouldn't do Halloween anymore. I have lots of friends who don't do Halloween and there have been lots of discussions on the CMF boards and on AFR about the evilness of the holiday.
My own personal thoughts have been that you can shine a light for Jesus even during a holiday that Satan is trying to use for himself. So last year we gave out little cards with Bible verses with our candy and this year I had decided to give out little papers with the "Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin" thing on it. But even up till the last minute I was undecided as to what to do. Was I just compromising so I wouldn't make waves with my family and friends or just so my kids wouldn't "miss out"? I mean, I could just buy them candy, right? And we could dress up ANY day, right? Besides, we had alreay defiantely decided not to go downtown because of all the scary costumes. But on the other hand, we went Trick or Treating last year, so my neighbors might think we were weird to be the only house on the street with out lights off and they would notice if our kids didn't come by their houses...
By today, everything Ian had been seeing on TV is Halloween themed and everyone at church and playgroups had been asking him what he's dressing up as, so when the time came, he wanted to go out. Well, of course, we didn't have a costume, so I just grabbed some play clothes...I told Ian he could be a fireman and Zollie could be Spiderman. That went over like a lead balloon...Ian wanted to be Spiderman (of course) and Zollie wanted to wear the fireman jacket. So here is Ian trying to fit his 4yo body into a 18m sized Spiderman costume and Zollie drowning in a 4yo sized fireman coat. It was adorably cute. I got Ian to compromise and wear red sweatpants over his costume so that the neighbors wouldn't see how the thing only came down to his knees. I dressed up like a pirate, and out we went.
We made it to about 4 or 5 houses on our block and then we hit one that had one of those motion sensors on the door that made a ghost thing moan at us, and Ian was done. I regretted even going out. He's in bed now, with the lights on, telling me how "Zollie is scared of the dark."
Bleh.
We just about ran out of candy at our house, as always. I gave out the little flyers with each of my candy pieces and so I felt a little better about participating, but I still have this nagging feeling that we shouldn't do it at all, no matter how fun it is. I still can't decide what the right answer is. When I hear some people talking about how it's evil and the Bible says "flee from evil" and to dwell only on things that are pure and good, it seems like a no brainer. But then I hear other people talking about how it can be a ministry opportunity...I can reach out to the neighborhood kids for Jesus (because they are going to go Trick or Treating anyway) and how we really aren't celebrating evil, just dressing up and getting candy. It's just not clear cut to me. I guess I get another year to ponder and pray and talk with PG about what we should do next time.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
October 26, 2009 - Ian's First Lapbook!
One of our projects in school last week was to make a lapbook. We found a really neat template off of http://www.homeschoolshare.com/ , which is a FANTASTIC website for finding lapbooks to go with just about any topic. I found one that went with the book Are You My Mother by P.D. Eastman. Here are some pictures of the book once it was all put together!
Here is the cover.
I made the book by just taking 3 sheets of construction paper and folding them in half and then nesting them sinside each other. Then I punched a couple of holes in the bend and ran string through to bind them together. Easy peasy!
These are pages 1 and 2. Page 1 had a little trace the line thing where you "help the baby bird find his mama". Page 2 had an accordian book where Ian matched the right number of baby birds with the printed number and a fold open egg with a chick inside.
Pages 3 and 4 had big B and little b and then baby bird. You could have added white craft feathers to the bird picture, but we didn't have any, so our bird is naked.
Pages 5 and 6 had pictures of the other animals baby bird thought might be his mommy.
Pages 7 and 8 are next. Page 7 has a picture of baby bird's home. Ian got to glue the baby bird into the nest. It suggested gluing leaves, sticks or Easter Grass to the nest, but again, that just seemed too messy for me. Page 8 has an envelope and in it are pictures of mama and baby animals. They fit together like puzzel pieces.
Back cover. It has a layer book with all the animals baby bird thought was his mama. You can go through each and talk about the sounds they make, what their babies are called, etc.
This was a really cute, really fun project! I think we are going to do the one about Fish Out Of Water next!
Here is the cover.
I made the book by just taking 3 sheets of construction paper and folding them in half and then nesting them sinside each other. Then I punched a couple of holes in the bend and ran string through to bind them together. Easy peasy!
These are pages 1 and 2. Page 1 had a little trace the line thing where you "help the baby bird find his mama". Page 2 had an accordian book where Ian matched the right number of baby birds with the printed number and a fold open egg with a chick inside.
Pages 3 and 4 had big B and little b and then baby bird. You could have added white craft feathers to the bird picture, but we didn't have any, so our bird is naked.
Pages 5 and 6 had pictures of the other animals baby bird thought might be his mommy.
Pages 7 and 8 are next. Page 7 has a picture of baby bird's home. Ian got to glue the baby bird into the nest. It suggested gluing leaves, sticks or Easter Grass to the nest, but again, that just seemed too messy for me. Page 8 has an envelope and in it are pictures of mama and baby animals. They fit together like puzzel pieces.
Back cover. It has a layer book with all the animals baby bird thought was his mama. You can go through each and talk about the sounds they make, what their babies are called, etc.
This was a really cute, really fun project! I think we are going to do the one about Fish Out Of Water next!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
October 10, 2009
Well I'm DONE! I have officially sent in every single piece of work I needed to send in to get my doula certification. Now I just have to wait for it to get ok'd so I can officially apply for certification and get my card in the mail! YAY!
What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!
On a related note, we had a doula meeting last night. There were 6 of us there, in various stages of training. How awesome that there are that many doulas in Greenville now! We're going to open a chapter of the Birth Connection and I've started a Yahoo! Group for us...Eastern Carolina Birth Connection, or ECBC. Very excited! Hope we get lots of members so we can start networking and learning from each other and helping garner clients for each other.
~~~
Now on to homeschooling. Co-op has been going really well, except that Ian cries for the first 5 minutes when I leave him. But he always comes out saying how much fun he had. School at home is going REALLY well. We've done a lot of phonics work and he can READ now! It's so exciting! He can pick up a little book and read it to me with minimal help. It's just amazing...he doesn't turn 4 for another month+ and he's already reading little beginner books with me. *insert teary eye'd emote here*
We've also been working on Rod and Staff preschool books. They have books A-F and we've taken A-C first, then we'll move on to D-F. I hear they are coming out with the next 6 as well, so that should take us through Kindy and then we can pick up Story of the World for 1st.
He's also learning to count in Spanish, which is so cute. And we are working on ASL as well.
~~~
As far as just life in general...as we get closer and closer to Zollie's birthday, my emotional state is taking a downhill turn. On October 14th we'll celebrate 2 years of Zollie's life and 2 months that Anna has been gone. It's hard. Just typing it I'm tearing up. I went to a cloth diaper party this week and it was really difficult being around all those pregnant women and new babies. They were so sweet, and I'm so happy for them, but I should have a big belly by now and it's not fair that I don't.
PG's in Winston Salem today with his Nana helping her move. Memaw is home from the hospital, but she fell down the stairs last week. My poor step-dad lost his uncle, his good friend, and his dog all within 2 weeks.
Live has just been rough around here recently.
But we're making it...we're getting by. We're trusting that God has a plan for all of this.
What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!
On a related note, we had a doula meeting last night. There were 6 of us there, in various stages of training. How awesome that there are that many doulas in Greenville now! We're going to open a chapter of the Birth Connection and I've started a Yahoo! Group for us...Eastern Carolina Birth Connection, or ECBC. Very excited! Hope we get lots of members so we can start networking and learning from each other and helping garner clients for each other.
~~~
Now on to homeschooling. Co-op has been going really well, except that Ian cries for the first 5 minutes when I leave him. But he always comes out saying how much fun he had. School at home is going REALLY well. We've done a lot of phonics work and he can READ now! It's so exciting! He can pick up a little book and read it to me with minimal help. It's just amazing...he doesn't turn 4 for another month+ and he's already reading little beginner books with me. *insert teary eye'd emote here*
We've also been working on Rod and Staff preschool books. They have books A-F and we've taken A-C first, then we'll move on to D-F. I hear they are coming out with the next 6 as well, so that should take us through Kindy and then we can pick up Story of the World for 1st.
He's also learning to count in Spanish, which is so cute. And we are working on ASL as well.
~~~
As far as just life in general...as we get closer and closer to Zollie's birthday, my emotional state is taking a downhill turn. On October 14th we'll celebrate 2 years of Zollie's life and 2 months that Anna has been gone. It's hard. Just typing it I'm tearing up. I went to a cloth diaper party this week and it was really difficult being around all those pregnant women and new babies. They were so sweet, and I'm so happy for them, but I should have a big belly by now and it's not fair that I don't.
PG's in Winston Salem today with his Nana helping her move. Memaw is home from the hospital, but she fell down the stairs last week. My poor step-dad lost his uncle, his good friend, and his dog all within 2 weeks.
Live has just been rough around here recently.
But we're making it...we're getting by. We're trusting that God has a plan for all of this.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Ring Sling Give Away on a Friend's Blog!
Check out this awesome giveaway! GORGEOUS ring sling in honor of Babywearing Week!
Go here!
http://heathergwood.blogspot.com/2009/09/my-very-first-blog-giveaway-in-honor-of.html?showComment=1253712938326#c1022694556562506590
Go here!
http://heathergwood.blogspot.com/2009/09/my-very-first-blog-giveaway-in-honor-of.html?showComment=1253712938326#c1022694556562506590
Monday, September 21, 2009
September 21, 2009
It's been a while since I've blogged...I think I'm getting to the point where I don't *need* to as much anymore. I guess that means that I'm "moving on" or "working through my grief" or something. Or maybe I've just been busy, or just didn't feel quite up to pouring my heart out again.
I've noticed that I'm not thinking about her constantly anymore. Daily, yes, but not constantly like those first few weeks. School has started back, so two days a week I'm teaching, two more I'm preparing lessons. I'm trying to do homeschool with Ian on a semi-regular basis. We are working on letter sounds and numbers. He's starting to learn his numbers 1-10 in Spanish, and to practice writing letters and counting objects. He's doing really great! His 2's look like 2's.
The most intersting thing that has happened to me lately is that I've learned how to "coupon". My friend Mimi - a fellow LLL Leader - took me to Harris Teeter for the first day of "tripple coupon week" and showed me how to do it. I got about $58 in groceries for just over $16. I'm absolutely hooked. I'm working on getting an organized notebook to keep all my coupons in and all that jazz. PG thinks it's great. I got paid for babysitting Bailey today, so I've got a little extra money now. Maybe I can go again tomorrow (last day of tripples week) and get a few more things.
Saturday we went to Chapel Hill for the ECU game. Cris and Leann went with us. It was a terrible game. ECU looked more like a bunch of guys out playing football together than a team. They absolutely deserved to lose playing the way they did. I honestly don't feel bad about missing the game next week now. We're going to New Bern for a couple of days. PG has a psych conference to go to, so I'm going to take the boys and spend a couple of days with Crystal and her kids. We'll probably get in a few hours of D&D while we are there.
People are still asking me how I'm doing, which is nice. I would rather them ask than to ignore that anything happened. It's hard to see my pregnant friends, though. I've got two who are due within a month of when I should be, so I'll spend the next few months watching their bellies grow, and probably being their doula. I'm so happy for them, and so sad for myself. Is that selfish? I actually thought I might be pregnant again this past week. I was nausious and having an upset stomach. I tested, but it was negative. I didn't know whether to feel sad or relieved.
I found this poem on another blog. She lost her baby to SIDS, and someone had posted this in one of the comments. I don't know the author, but I think it sums me up pretty well:
My Mom Is A Survivor
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
I've noticed that I'm not thinking about her constantly anymore. Daily, yes, but not constantly like those first few weeks. School has started back, so two days a week I'm teaching, two more I'm preparing lessons. I'm trying to do homeschool with Ian on a semi-regular basis. We are working on letter sounds and numbers. He's starting to learn his numbers 1-10 in Spanish, and to practice writing letters and counting objects. He's doing really great! His 2's look like 2's.
The most intersting thing that has happened to me lately is that I've learned how to "coupon". My friend Mimi - a fellow LLL Leader - took me to Harris Teeter for the first day of "tripple coupon week" and showed me how to do it. I got about $58 in groceries for just over $16. I'm absolutely hooked. I'm working on getting an organized notebook to keep all my coupons in and all that jazz. PG thinks it's great. I got paid for babysitting Bailey today, so I've got a little extra money now. Maybe I can go again tomorrow (last day of tripples week) and get a few more things.
Saturday we went to Chapel Hill for the ECU game. Cris and Leann went with us. It was a terrible game. ECU looked more like a bunch of guys out playing football together than a team. They absolutely deserved to lose playing the way they did. I honestly don't feel bad about missing the game next week now. We're going to New Bern for a couple of days. PG has a psych conference to go to, so I'm going to take the boys and spend a couple of days with Crystal and her kids. We'll probably get in a few hours of D&D while we are there.
People are still asking me how I'm doing, which is nice. I would rather them ask than to ignore that anything happened. It's hard to see my pregnant friends, though. I've got two who are due within a month of when I should be, so I'll spend the next few months watching their bellies grow, and probably being their doula. I'm so happy for them, and so sad for myself. Is that selfish? I actually thought I might be pregnant again this past week. I was nausious and having an upset stomach. I tested, but it was negative. I didn't know whether to feel sad or relieved.
I found this poem on another blog. She lost her baby to SIDS, and someone had posted this in one of the comments. I don't know the author, but I think it sums me up pretty well:
My Mom Is A Survivor
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
September 8, 2009
Today is a Praise day. Looking back over the weekend, God has been providing for us at every turn.
First, a praise that Memaw seems to be doing ok. She's moving fluid better now, so her breathing is easier and her swelling is going down. Her kidneys seem to have peaked out and are on the mend now as well.
A praise for my cousin Rebecca as well. I don't think I've written about her yet...if I have, I appologize for repeating myself. She's in her 30s, a little older than me, and has two sons ages 4 and 7 I believe. She was really sick over the summer and now is in ICU with double pneumonia and sepsis and I don't think anyone is expecting her to ever wake up from the induced com she's in. But last I heard, she "wasn't any worse" which at this point is good news.
So we decided we definately really wanted to go to Crystal's house Sunday night, so we scrounged around and found a whole $11, which was enough to get gas for there and back, but no money for food. We changed clothes after church, packed a bag, and headed out. First stop - gas station of course. Then we swung by the hospital and PG used his cafeteria card to buy some drinks and snack food to take with us. Then we went by McAllister's (Leann gave us a $10 gift card just last week because she doesn't like to eat there). What a blessing! Free lunch!
We got to Crystal's house at about 3 and poor Ian and Zollie had JUST fallen asleep. Well, Ian was immediately awake and ready to play with Alek and Mikhala, and Zollie was off to the races as well (after some serious oohing and ahhing over baby Natilee - he was quite taken with her. He would sit *right* next to her and touch her hair and face, and if you took her away he pitched a fit!). Crystal and I went to Target to get some milk, and while there she got some coffees for us. For the record, Starbucks makes a delicious Caramel Macchiato.
After we got back, Zollie went into whiney mode, so I nursed him to sleep and we put him down for a nap and got down to the serious buisness of playing D&D. Then we took a break for a FANTASTIC supper of bbq pork roast, green beans and roasted potatos. Crystal outdid herself. Then back to D&D, with a break for bath time for the kids (we found it is in fact possible to fit 4 kids happily into a tub, and surprisingly enough, no one's penis got grabbed by anyone else LOL). We got the kids in bed (Ian got to sleep on the top bunk, he was stoked) and then played till about 2am, at which point all the adults crashed.
We woke up Monday morning to the smells of breakfast. Crystal and Dennis were so sweet to let PG and I sleep in while all the kids played. She made wassles (Ian's word for waffles) and BACON, and everyone Loooooves bacon. Then we got another few hours of D&D in while the kids played and then hit the road home.
We had such a good time, and to make it even better, Monday was Labor Day, and Chic-fil-a had a special where if you wore your sports team logo clothing you got a free chicken sandwich. So we hit the one in New Bern for lunch and picked up 4 sandwiches, and then swung through Greenville on the way home for 4 more for supper. Again, God provided for us!
The stress hit at about 7:30 last night, though, when I found out I was sitterless for this morning while I taught. So PG made a call to his grandmother who (praise God again!) was able to come watch the boys for me this morning. Class went really well...we continued talking about plant parts and germination, and both classes started germinating wheat berries. Thursday the younger girls will move on to properties of Matter while the older girls hit Heredity. After I got home, we did lunch and then ALL three of us took a nap! Yay! PG got home at about 3, and Ian did some schoolwork with me while PG rested and changed clothes, then we all walked down to the park for a few minutes before we got ran off by an approaching storm. Back home we did supper and then PG took Zollie for a bath while I headed out to the HOME meeting.
So all in all, it's been a really great weekend. I got a lot of distraction, which I needed, and a lot of normality back, though things will never really be normal again. I'm looking forward to the HOME activities this year and especially co-op for Ian! He's going to love it!
Well, it's after midnight, so I should head to bed. We've got a homeschool park day tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow morning I need to go by and pay for my HOME membership and co-op fee. I hope tomorrow goes as well as this weekend did.
First, a praise that Memaw seems to be doing ok. She's moving fluid better now, so her breathing is easier and her swelling is going down. Her kidneys seem to have peaked out and are on the mend now as well.
A praise for my cousin Rebecca as well. I don't think I've written about her yet...if I have, I appologize for repeating myself. She's in her 30s, a little older than me, and has two sons ages 4 and 7 I believe. She was really sick over the summer and now is in ICU with double pneumonia and sepsis and I don't think anyone is expecting her to ever wake up from the induced com she's in. But last I heard, she "wasn't any worse" which at this point is good news.
So we decided we definately really wanted to go to Crystal's house Sunday night, so we scrounged around and found a whole $11, which was enough to get gas for there and back, but no money for food. We changed clothes after church, packed a bag, and headed out. First stop - gas station of course. Then we swung by the hospital and PG used his cafeteria card to buy some drinks and snack food to take with us. Then we went by McAllister's (Leann gave us a $10 gift card just last week because she doesn't like to eat there). What a blessing! Free lunch!
We got to Crystal's house at about 3 and poor Ian and Zollie had JUST fallen asleep. Well, Ian was immediately awake and ready to play with Alek and Mikhala, and Zollie was off to the races as well (after some serious oohing and ahhing over baby Natilee - he was quite taken with her. He would sit *right* next to her and touch her hair and face, and if you took her away he pitched a fit!). Crystal and I went to Target to get some milk, and while there she got some coffees for us. For the record, Starbucks makes a delicious Caramel Macchiato.
After we got back, Zollie went into whiney mode, so I nursed him to sleep and we put him down for a nap and got down to the serious buisness of playing D&D. Then we took a break for a FANTASTIC supper of bbq pork roast, green beans and roasted potatos. Crystal outdid herself. Then back to D&D, with a break for bath time for the kids (we found it is in fact possible to fit 4 kids happily into a tub, and surprisingly enough, no one's penis got grabbed by anyone else LOL). We got the kids in bed (Ian got to sleep on the top bunk, he was stoked) and then played till about 2am, at which point all the adults crashed.
We woke up Monday morning to the smells of breakfast. Crystal and Dennis were so sweet to let PG and I sleep in while all the kids played. She made wassles (Ian's word for waffles) and BACON, and everyone Loooooves bacon. Then we got another few hours of D&D in while the kids played and then hit the road home.
We had such a good time, and to make it even better, Monday was Labor Day, and Chic-fil-a had a special where if you wore your sports team logo clothing you got a free chicken sandwich. So we hit the one in New Bern for lunch and picked up 4 sandwiches, and then swung through Greenville on the way home for 4 more for supper. Again, God provided for us!
The stress hit at about 7:30 last night, though, when I found out I was sitterless for this morning while I taught. So PG made a call to his grandmother who (praise God again!) was able to come watch the boys for me this morning. Class went really well...we continued talking about plant parts and germination, and both classes started germinating wheat berries. Thursday the younger girls will move on to properties of Matter while the older girls hit Heredity. After I got home, we did lunch and then ALL three of us took a nap! Yay! PG got home at about 3, and Ian did some schoolwork with me while PG rested and changed clothes, then we all walked down to the park for a few minutes before we got ran off by an approaching storm. Back home we did supper and then PG took Zollie for a bath while I headed out to the HOME meeting.
So all in all, it's been a really great weekend. I got a lot of distraction, which I needed, and a lot of normality back, though things will never really be normal again. I'm looking forward to the HOME activities this year and especially co-op for Ian! He's going to love it!
Well, it's after midnight, so I should head to bed. We've got a homeschool park day tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow morning I need to go by and pay for my HOME membership and co-op fee. I hope tomorrow goes as well as this weekend did.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
September 5, 2009
Finally, some good news! The nephrologist says that Memaw's kidney issues seem to have peaked out and should be getting better from this point on. The stint procedure is on permanant hold until things get back to "normal" (there's that word again). Her BP is still fluxuating between a rather good 130/70 to a less good but not quite scary high 160/80. A big problem right now, though, is that she's retaining a LOT of fluids. She's up to 147lbs...this is a woman who is about 5"1 and usually weighs about 110 soaking wet. Mom says her hands look like they are about to pop open they are so tight. She must be miserable.
Today was a pretty good day for me. ECU had its opening home game today against ASU and we pulled out a win during the last few seconds after having led 27-7 at halftime. For some reason I guess the guys figgured they had it in the bag and that they didn't need to show up for the second half. If it weren't for our D, we would have lost, no question. PG's mom had taken the boys for the day so we could go have some adult time at the game. His dad and sister went with us. It was hot...about 89 by the end of the game...and we forgot to put sunscreen on our arms so we are all burned up. Thank goodness that we have 2 Aloe plants at the house.
Tomorrow the plan is to go to church and then head up to Crystal's house to hang out, play D&D into the wee morning hours, spend the night, and some of the day Monday. Then come home and chill out at home and rest up for a 3 day week for PG. He's got Friday off so he can go up to WVU with is dad for the ball game next Saturday.
The boys were so funny today. They had the bean bag chair in the living room floor and they would climb up on the couch and jump off onto the bean bag. Zollie just thought it was the funniest thing...he was laughing and laughing. He's got the best belly laugh. I love hearing it. Then they pushed it into the middle of the floor and would chase each other around it until one of them would trip (or get dizzy) and fall down and then the other would jump on him and they would wrestle around and laugh some more. They really do love each other so much, even if they beat the snot out of each other all the time. Ian was talking ugly to me earlier so I made him sit in time out and sweet little Zollie sat right there by his brother the whole time, just waiting for him to be able to get up so they could play some more. He really thinks Ian hung the moon. They are so precious to me.
Today was a pretty good day for me. ECU had its opening home game today against ASU and we pulled out a win during the last few seconds after having led 27-7 at halftime. For some reason I guess the guys figgured they had it in the bag and that they didn't need to show up for the second half. If it weren't for our D, we would have lost, no question. PG's mom had taken the boys for the day so we could go have some adult time at the game. His dad and sister went with us. It was hot...about 89 by the end of the game...and we forgot to put sunscreen on our arms so we are all burned up. Thank goodness that we have 2 Aloe plants at the house.
Tomorrow the plan is to go to church and then head up to Crystal's house to hang out, play D&D into the wee morning hours, spend the night, and some of the day Monday. Then come home and chill out at home and rest up for a 3 day week for PG. He's got Friday off so he can go up to WVU with is dad for the ball game next Saturday.
The boys were so funny today. They had the bean bag chair in the living room floor and they would climb up on the couch and jump off onto the bean bag. Zollie just thought it was the funniest thing...he was laughing and laughing. He's got the best belly laugh. I love hearing it. Then they pushed it into the middle of the floor and would chase each other around it until one of them would trip (or get dizzy) and fall down and then the other would jump on him and they would wrestle around and laugh some more. They really do love each other so much, even if they beat the snot out of each other all the time. Ian was talking ugly to me earlier so I made him sit in time out and sweet little Zollie sat right there by his brother the whole time, just waiting for him to be able to get up so they could play some more. He really thinks Ian hung the moon. They are so precious to me.
Friday, September 4, 2009
September 4, 2009
I don't know if it's easier or harder to keep blogging about what life is like right now. On one hand it's good, I think, to get it all out. But on the other, reliving the day's events, or a couple of days, is painful.
I wanted to go home to be with my randmother this weekend, but we have no gas money, and lots of plans for the weekend. And my sisters are going to be there, and she seems pretty stable right now, so I'm taking the risk of not going in order to try to have a "normal" weekend and I feel horribly guilty about it. So little is normal right now. I'm exhausted. I'm weak from not eating. I don't get restful sleep because I have nightmares all night. Every night I'm dreaming that I'm being stalked, hunted, chased. And I hide, and they find me, and I have to run again. Over and over, every night, different places and different people, but always the same theme. I "sleep" for plenty of hours, but I haven't had a good, restful night's sleep in 3 weeks.
It's been three weeks. Three Fridays ago my little girl was born, unceremoniously, while I was sitting on the toilet. She almost got flushed, but I saw her just in time. So different from my other two births...they were so full of hope and joy and elation, and Anna's birth was just dread, and fear, and sadness.
Three weeks and I'm still crying every day, sometimes many times a day. I was watching Ian today as he explained something in the overly verbose way that only a 3yo can do, and I just started crying because I will never get to hear Anna's imagination at work. I'll never get to see her playing with her big brothers, never see how gentle and protective (or rough and tumble) they would be with her. Never dress her up in pretty dresses or comb her hair or put ribbons in it.
I just feel so crushed by this sadness. Dr Lamson said that the biggest thing for me right now would be to start getting some good sleep, because until I'm rested I'll still not have an appetite and I'll not be able to cope well with these feelings. She's right, and I WANT to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I'm consantly at the end of my rope with the boys. I feel like such a bad mom riht now. I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel good.
I planned to go to LLL last night. I felt like i needed to get back into "normal" stuff again. But when the time came I just didn't want to leave the house. Today I went to the post office and mailed off some more snowflakes with the boys. Then we went to the library. Someone there asked me if they were my only children. I hessitated for that split second that it took me to think "Should I say something about our little girl in Heaven? No, she doesn't want to hear that..." So I just said that I just had the two so far. She smiled...that's what she wanted to hear. Then I felt so bad about it because it was like I was denying Anna existed.
This just sucks.
I wanted to go home to be with my randmother this weekend, but we have no gas money, and lots of plans for the weekend. And my sisters are going to be there, and she seems pretty stable right now, so I'm taking the risk of not going in order to try to have a "normal" weekend and I feel horribly guilty about it. So little is normal right now. I'm exhausted. I'm weak from not eating. I don't get restful sleep because I have nightmares all night. Every night I'm dreaming that I'm being stalked, hunted, chased. And I hide, and they find me, and I have to run again. Over and over, every night, different places and different people, but always the same theme. I "sleep" for plenty of hours, but I haven't had a good, restful night's sleep in 3 weeks.
It's been three weeks. Three Fridays ago my little girl was born, unceremoniously, while I was sitting on the toilet. She almost got flushed, but I saw her just in time. So different from my other two births...they were so full of hope and joy and elation, and Anna's birth was just dread, and fear, and sadness.
Three weeks and I'm still crying every day, sometimes many times a day. I was watching Ian today as he explained something in the overly verbose way that only a 3yo can do, and I just started crying because I will never get to hear Anna's imagination at work. I'll never get to see her playing with her big brothers, never see how gentle and protective (or rough and tumble) they would be with her. Never dress her up in pretty dresses or comb her hair or put ribbons in it.
I just feel so crushed by this sadness. Dr Lamson said that the biggest thing for me right now would be to start getting some good sleep, because until I'm rested I'll still not have an appetite and I'll not be able to cope well with these feelings. She's right, and I WANT to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I'm consantly at the end of my rope with the boys. I feel like such a bad mom riht now. I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel good.
I planned to go to LLL last night. I felt like i needed to get back into "normal" stuff again. But when the time came I just didn't want to leave the house. Today I went to the post office and mailed off some more snowflakes with the boys. Then we went to the library. Someone there asked me if they were my only children. I hessitated for that split second that it took me to think "Should I say something about our little girl in Heaven? No, she doesn't want to hear that..." So I just said that I just had the two so far. She smiled...that's what she wanted to hear. Then I felt so bad about it because it was like I was denying Anna existed.
This just sucks.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
September 1, 2009
Wow, I haven't written in a while. What's been going on?
Still crying at the drop of a hat, still very depressed. I'm not getting restful sleep...I can sleep all night, but when I wake up I'm still exhausted. I'm eating a little better some days. I'm either very hungry or not hungry at all.
Life is awefully cruel. It's apparently not bad enough that I'm having to deal with the death of my baby, I also got a frantic call from mom on Friday saying she was on the way to the hospital with Memaw (that's mom's mom, for those who don't know). Appaently she had woken up in the night, swolen and unable to breathe. My aunt Sherrill took her to the hospital in Greensboro and her blood pressure was 230/160.
Mom stayed with her Friday night - Sunday evening. I came down after church and took over until Monday afternoon. Her bp came down to a reasonable level (it was in the 160/85 range), but her liver enzymes were high (probably because of the bp spike) so they kept checking her blood for that to make sure the levels were coming down. Apparently they came down enough because Monday morning they did a heart cath.
The doctor found a couple of areas from her previous bypass surery that were degrading and causing blockages. He feels like she needs stints, but wants to wait till tomorrow to put those in because he would need to use more dye and doesn't want to overload her kidneys right now.
Mom called me back today and said that Memaw's hemoglobin is so low that the are giving her blood transfusions now. I don't know what that will mean for her cath/stint procedure tomorrow.
Today I taught this morning. Class went well but I'm concerned that some of the girls either aren't takeing school seriously this year because tey are used to public school and Roseleaf is so different, or if we just really need to work on note-taking skills. I gave a quiz today, that the questions were based on their notes and the homework they did the day before, and no one did well on it. I'm concerned about what this will mean long term, but I think I just need to make it clear that this is SCHOOL and they are being held to the same, or HIGHER standards than they were used to last year in public school.
I've got an appointment tomorrow with Dr Lamson. I am still feeling so depressed and some things happened this week that have upset me more...more thoughts, anxiety, just overwhelming sadness.
Well, the kids are playing in the tub and I need to get them in the bed, so I'll head off and do that. We've got a playgroup tomorrow after my meeting with Dr Lamson, and I'm actually looking forward to that. I need to get out, and the boys need to get out, I know that. It's just hard to be around people when it feel awkward, wondering what they are going to say, or if I'll see or hear something that will just set me off crying again.
Still crying at the drop of a hat, still very depressed. I'm not getting restful sleep...I can sleep all night, but when I wake up I'm still exhausted. I'm eating a little better some days. I'm either very hungry or not hungry at all.
Life is awefully cruel. It's apparently not bad enough that I'm having to deal with the death of my baby, I also got a frantic call from mom on Friday saying she was on the way to the hospital with Memaw (that's mom's mom, for those who don't know). Appaently she had woken up in the night, swolen and unable to breathe. My aunt Sherrill took her to the hospital in Greensboro and her blood pressure was 230/160.
Mom stayed with her Friday night - Sunday evening. I came down after church and took over until Monday afternoon. Her bp came down to a reasonable level (it was in the 160/85 range), but her liver enzymes were high (probably because of the bp spike) so they kept checking her blood for that to make sure the levels were coming down. Apparently they came down enough because Monday morning they did a heart cath.
The doctor found a couple of areas from her previous bypass surery that were degrading and causing blockages. He feels like she needs stints, but wants to wait till tomorrow to put those in because he would need to use more dye and doesn't want to overload her kidneys right now.
Mom called me back today and said that Memaw's hemoglobin is so low that the are giving her blood transfusions now. I don't know what that will mean for her cath/stint procedure tomorrow.
Today I taught this morning. Class went well but I'm concerned that some of the girls either aren't takeing school seriously this year because tey are used to public school and Roseleaf is so different, or if we just really need to work on note-taking skills. I gave a quiz today, that the questions were based on their notes and the homework they did the day before, and no one did well on it. I'm concerned about what this will mean long term, but I think I just need to make it clear that this is SCHOOL and they are being held to the same, or HIGHER standards than they were used to last year in public school.
I've got an appointment tomorrow with Dr Lamson. I am still feeling so depressed and some things happened this week that have upset me more...more thoughts, anxiety, just overwhelming sadness.
Well, the kids are playing in the tub and I need to get them in the bed, so I'll head off and do that. We've got a playgroup tomorrow after my meeting with Dr Lamson, and I'm actually looking forward to that. I need to get out, and the boys need to get out, I know that. It's just hard to be around people when it feel awkward, wondering what they are going to say, or if I'll see or hear something that will just set me off crying again.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
August 27, 2009
Yesterday was rough. I went for a blood draw at about 11:30 and when I picked up my lab form I dropped off the list of grief resources I had made up for DeEtte. And then I took the form over to the lab and there it was again...
Missed Abortion
...right there on the form. *sigh* As though I'm not hurting enough already? Let's go stick "abortion" on my paperwork.
So the blood draw went fine, and then I took the boys to the park. It was nice (hot though) because Heather came with her precious little girl who is just a few days from being exactly the same age as Zollie. Heather miscarried a couple of months ago, and so we had a lot to talk about. It was good to talk to someone who had been there and understood what I was feeling. She's pregnant again, now, and is coming up on the 6 week mark when she lost her last little one, so she's understandably nervous.
We talked about how losing one just sucks the joy and carefree-ness out of any future pregnancy. You realize they aren't EVER safe...I know women who have lost babies at any and every point during pregnancy, during labor itself, within hours, days, and months of being born. They are so vulnerable - always at risk. It's a lot easier now to see how moms who have to deal with all the stress and alarms that go with having a NICU baby end up with anxiety disorders.
We came home and the boys took a nap and I tried to be a little productive. I got a load of laundry done - that's good, right? Then PG got home and we had a dinner at church. I had been looking forward to that because the Haiti mission team was going to show off their slide show and we had a Haitian meal. But during the slide show they kept talking about these "beach kids" who are orphans and homeless, and just fend for themselves, and I just wanted to fly down there and bring them all home.
I had a rough night after that. I just wanted to sit and cry. I didn't go to sleep until almost 2am, and then had to get up at 7ish to teach at 8. Class went really well, at least. We learned about bats and the water cycle. The girls have some homework to do for Tuesday and I'm going to surprise them with a little quiz too (if they do their homework they should breeze through the quiz).
After I got home today I got Zollie down for a nap and did some school with Ian. I'm very impressed with him...He got about 23 of 26 letter sounds right on the first try. We practiced drawing straight lines and the # 1 as well. Apparently you can get him to do anything if you just promise he can play with the glitter pens LOL.
Both boys are asleep right now and I should probably be as well. Kenzie is coming back here when she's done teaching at 3:30, and she's spending the night. I need to do some cleaning before PG gets home...I know he's tired of the house looking lie a tornado (a very nasty one, full of dirty dishes and clothes) blew through. I'm just so unmotivated to clean. Bleh.
The good news I got today, though, was that my HCG levels came back at only 68 so I don't need any more bloodwork. Yay! Hopefully that means I don't ever have to see the word "abortion" associated with my name again.
Missed Abortion
...right there on the form. *sigh* As though I'm not hurting enough already? Let's go stick "abortion" on my paperwork.
So the blood draw went fine, and then I took the boys to the park. It was nice (hot though) because Heather came with her precious little girl who is just a few days from being exactly the same age as Zollie. Heather miscarried a couple of months ago, and so we had a lot to talk about. It was good to talk to someone who had been there and understood what I was feeling. She's pregnant again, now, and is coming up on the 6 week mark when she lost her last little one, so she's understandably nervous.
We talked about how losing one just sucks the joy and carefree-ness out of any future pregnancy. You realize they aren't EVER safe...I know women who have lost babies at any and every point during pregnancy, during labor itself, within hours, days, and months of being born. They are so vulnerable - always at risk. It's a lot easier now to see how moms who have to deal with all the stress and alarms that go with having a NICU baby end up with anxiety disorders.
We came home and the boys took a nap and I tried to be a little productive. I got a load of laundry done - that's good, right? Then PG got home and we had a dinner at church. I had been looking forward to that because the Haiti mission team was going to show off their slide show and we had a Haitian meal. But during the slide show they kept talking about these "beach kids" who are orphans and homeless, and just fend for themselves, and I just wanted to fly down there and bring them all home.
I had a rough night after that. I just wanted to sit and cry. I didn't go to sleep until almost 2am, and then had to get up at 7ish to teach at 8. Class went really well, at least. We learned about bats and the water cycle. The girls have some homework to do for Tuesday and I'm going to surprise them with a little quiz too (if they do their homework they should breeze through the quiz).
After I got home today I got Zollie down for a nap and did some school with Ian. I'm very impressed with him...He got about 23 of 26 letter sounds right on the first try. We practiced drawing straight lines and the # 1 as well. Apparently you can get him to do anything if you just promise he can play with the glitter pens LOL.
Both boys are asleep right now and I should probably be as well. Kenzie is coming back here when she's done teaching at 3:30, and she's spending the night. I need to do some cleaning before PG gets home...I know he's tired of the house looking lie a tornado (a very nasty one, full of dirty dishes and clothes) blew through. I'm just so unmotivated to clean. Bleh.
The good news I got today, though, was that my HCG levels came back at only 68 so I don't need any more bloodwork. Yay! Hopefully that means I don't ever have to see the word "abortion" associated with my name again.
Monday, August 24, 2009
August 23/24, 2009
I made it to church yesterday, but it was hard. We got there at 9:30 for breakfast, and in walked little Hannah, who is a couple of months younger than Zollie. She was wearing the cutest dress, and for a split second I forgot I wasn't pregnant anymore and thought "Oh I can't wait to buy cute dresses for..." and then I got slammed with realit again. I *won't* get to buy dresses for Anna. I won't get to put her hair up in bows or pigtails. I won't know if she'll be blonde like the boys or a redhead or a brunette like her daddy. I won't know if she'll have blue eyes like me and Zollie or brown like Ian or PG.
Bleh.
Everyone else was very nice and concerned and asked how I was doing. One woman hadn't heard yet and asked me how I was feeling, and I said "so so" and she said "Oh are you still having morning sickness?" so I had to tell her we lost the baby. That was hard, too.
Last night Victoria brought us by a wonderful supper...lasagna, sallad, corn and an apple dessert. She also gave me the Earth Mama, Angel Baby Loss Comfort kit, which was very sweet. It was nice to talk to her about how things were going. She had a stillbirth a few years ago, and we have a lot of similar parenting practices, so I could relate to what she was saying.
Today I've got Bailey, which is always fun. I've got my lesson plans together for tomorrow (just need to make some copies in the morning) and my sisters are coming by to hang out after they buy their books.
~
I sent out my third snowflake today, so I guess that means the ministry is officially up and running. It's called Snowflakes of Hope and the web address is www.SnowflakesOfHope.faithweb.com . I posted on FreeCycle that I was looking for yarn for the ministry and had a ton of responses. The whole back of my car is full of yarn now. I really hope I can bless some grieving families with the ministry. I guess I've got empathy now instead of just sympathy, and I feel like I need to do something with that - something that will honor Anna's memory, bring glory to God, and help some other families at the same time. It makes me think that if I can help others, then Anna's loss wasn't for nothing.
Bleh.
Everyone else was very nice and concerned and asked how I was doing. One woman hadn't heard yet and asked me how I was feeling, and I said "so so" and she said "Oh are you still having morning sickness?" so I had to tell her we lost the baby. That was hard, too.
Last night Victoria brought us by a wonderful supper...lasagna, sallad, corn and an apple dessert. She also gave me the Earth Mama, Angel Baby Loss Comfort kit, which was very sweet. It was nice to talk to her about how things were going. She had a stillbirth a few years ago, and we have a lot of similar parenting practices, so I could relate to what she was saying.
Today I've got Bailey, which is always fun. I've got my lesson plans together for tomorrow (just need to make some copies in the morning) and my sisters are coming by to hang out after they buy their books.
~
I sent out my third snowflake today, so I guess that means the ministry is officially up and running. It's called Snowflakes of Hope and the web address is www.SnowflakesOfHope.faithweb.com . I posted on FreeCycle that I was looking for yarn for the ministry and had a ton of responses. The whole back of my car is full of yarn now. I really hope I can bless some grieving families with the ministry. I guess I've got empathy now instead of just sympathy, and I feel like I need to do something with that - something that will honor Anna's memory, bring glory to God, and help some other families at the same time. It makes me think that if I can help others, then Anna's loss wasn't for nothing.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
August 22, 2009
Things you should NEVER EVER say to a woman who has just lost her baby:
1) "There's always next time..."
Wow, where to start...so when your husband dies I can say "Oh don't worry, you can always re-marry..."?? Yeah, it feels the same way when you say it to me. Like just because I can get pregnant again it makes up for the fact that our baby died. :/
2) "Well just remember how blessed you are to have those two boys."
I am. I truely am, blessed beyond words, to have my two boys. I know there are women out there who never get the chance to have their own children and I DO know how blessed I am. But I'm supposed to have THREE children, not two, and just because I still do have two of them doesn't make it "ok" that one is dead.
3) "She was probably just sick." or "It was probably for the best so you wouldn't have a very disabled child."
So because she was sick or would have been disabled, it was for the best? Whose best? I would have loved her anyway, no matter how disabled she was!
Ug...there are more, I'll add them later.
But seriously, folks, if you NEED to say something, just say "I'm sorry." Saying something aweful just to make yourself feel better because you feel the need to "fix" things just makes it worse for me. Everything is not ok, everything isn't going to BE ok for a long time. You can't fix it, and honestly nothing you say is going to make me feel better about it. I know eventually I'll not be so sad, and eventually I might not think about her every day, much less the every single minute of every day thing I'm doing right now. So please, just acknowledge that I'm hurting and don't try to offer trite condolences. Just say "I'm sorry." I just need to know that you care about how I feel and that you acknowledge my loss.
1) "There's always next time..."
Wow, where to start...so when your husband dies I can say "Oh don't worry, you can always re-marry..."?? Yeah, it feels the same way when you say it to me. Like just because I can get pregnant again it makes up for the fact that our baby died. :/
2) "Well just remember how blessed you are to have those two boys."
I am. I truely am, blessed beyond words, to have my two boys. I know there are women out there who never get the chance to have their own children and I DO know how blessed I am. But I'm supposed to have THREE children, not two, and just because I still do have two of them doesn't make it "ok" that one is dead.
3) "She was probably just sick." or "It was probably for the best so you wouldn't have a very disabled child."
So because she was sick or would have been disabled, it was for the best? Whose best? I would have loved her anyway, no matter how disabled she was!
Ug...there are more, I'll add them later.
But seriously, folks, if you NEED to say something, just say "I'm sorry." Saying something aweful just to make yourself feel better because you feel the need to "fix" things just makes it worse for me. Everything is not ok, everything isn't going to BE ok for a long time. You can't fix it, and honestly nothing you say is going to make me feel better about it. I know eventually I'll not be so sad, and eventually I might not think about her every day, much less the every single minute of every day thing I'm doing right now. So please, just acknowledge that I'm hurting and don't try to offer trite condolences. Just say "I'm sorry." I just need to know that you care about how I feel and that you acknowledge my loss.
Friday, August 21, 2009
August 21, 2009
Today was a very long day with a lot of highs and lows.
We started out first thing this morning with PG's mom coming by to pick up the boys for an overnight trip. That was very awkward and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She has apologized for what she said, but I'm still just hurting too much to want to be around her right now. I do hope things go well with the boys tonight, though. It'll be Zollie's first overnight trip with her. I hope she doesn't bring him back too late tomorrow because I haven't gotten to nurse him since 8:00 this morning. Interestingly enough, I'm all all full of milk. I mean, I can tell they aren't empty, but they aren't engorged even after 12+ hours. That makes me kinda sad. I can't stand the thought of losing something else this week.
At 9:00 PG and I met with Dr Lamson. We talked about ourselves, how we met, our marriage and kids, and we talked about Anna and PG's parents and other things, too. She was very nice and insightful. I hope I can go back maybe weekly for a while. She said that Find Hope tends to start up in September. I'll be looking forward to that as well.
After that, PG and I went for lunch at McAllisters (yum) and then I dropped him off at work. I had a few hours to blow so I headed to the bank to deposit some checks and then on to the library with the intention of reading a couple of the books on loss that I had checked out. I finished up a book on miscarriage, which told me nothing I didn't already know, and was written in maybe the 80's to boot, so it was pretty dated. Then I started on another one that was just about infant loss and I had to stop about 1 chapter in. This book spent very little time on miscarriage and a lot of time on premature infant death, stillbirth, and "theraputic abortion" which is something I just DID NOT want to read about at all.
So I gave up on the library and went out to the car to call some of the ladies who had emailed me back about my request for yarn on FreeCycle. I spent the next couple of hours driving around town, picking up a plethora of yarn from some very nice women. One in particular had just had a miscarriage in July, so we stood out in her driveway and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. I asked her if she would like me to make her a snowflake, and she said that she thought she was doing pretty good right now, but I would like ot make her one anyway. She gave me a TON of yarn, and she was still pretty raw from her loss, so I just feel like I should send her one.
I also went by The Rock (a Christian book store) to look through their books and was disappointed to see that they didn't have a SINGLE book about dealing with grief or loss (other than some parenting books on how to help your child through a loss). Bleh. I did find a really cute mustard seed pin, though, which now resides on my pocketbook. I've wanted a mustard seed necklace for a while but can't find one, so the pin will have to do for now.
At aout 4:40 I parked at PG's office because I expected him to get out at about 5 and we were looking forward to a date night. While I waited for him I crochetted about 4 snowflakes. He finally came out at 5:30 and we went to Japan Inn and had some delicious hibachi and sushi for supper (and edamame for an appetizer mmmmmmmm) and were planning to go watch a movie but we had an hour until it started so we went to Lowe's just to look around. While we were in there I just started feeling very tired and lightheaded. I told PG I just could barely keep my eyes open and asked if maybe we could just go home and try to catch a matinee tomorrow and he said ok.
So right now we are home. We walked the dogs, and preseason football is on TV. PG is making us some iced coffee and we are eating chocolate. Just for reference, Hersey makes dark chocolate with bits of cranberries, blueberries and almonds in it. It's delicious. You should get some.
When the game goes off we are heading to bed. I'm going to try to get a backrub. In the morning we are going to try to do some housecleaning and then see about a matinee before the boys come home. I miss them.
We started out first thing this morning with PG's mom coming by to pick up the boys for an overnight trip. That was very awkward and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She has apologized for what she said, but I'm still just hurting too much to want to be around her right now. I do hope things go well with the boys tonight, though. It'll be Zollie's first overnight trip with her. I hope she doesn't bring him back too late tomorrow because I haven't gotten to nurse him since 8:00 this morning. Interestingly enough, I'm all all full of milk. I mean, I can tell they aren't empty, but they aren't engorged even after 12+ hours. That makes me kinda sad. I can't stand the thought of losing something else this week.
At 9:00 PG and I met with Dr Lamson. We talked about ourselves, how we met, our marriage and kids, and we talked about Anna and PG's parents and other things, too. She was very nice and insightful. I hope I can go back maybe weekly for a while. She said that Find Hope tends to start up in September. I'll be looking forward to that as well.
After that, PG and I went for lunch at McAllisters (yum) and then I dropped him off at work. I had a few hours to blow so I headed to the bank to deposit some checks and then on to the library with the intention of reading a couple of the books on loss that I had checked out. I finished up a book on miscarriage, which told me nothing I didn't already know, and was written in maybe the 80's to boot, so it was pretty dated. Then I started on another one that was just about infant loss and I had to stop about 1 chapter in. This book spent very little time on miscarriage and a lot of time on premature infant death, stillbirth, and "theraputic abortion" which is something I just DID NOT want to read about at all.
So I gave up on the library and went out to the car to call some of the ladies who had emailed me back about my request for yarn on FreeCycle. I spent the next couple of hours driving around town, picking up a plethora of yarn from some very nice women. One in particular had just had a miscarriage in July, so we stood out in her driveway and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. I asked her if she would like me to make her a snowflake, and she said that she thought she was doing pretty good right now, but I would like ot make her one anyway. She gave me a TON of yarn, and she was still pretty raw from her loss, so I just feel like I should send her one.
I also went by The Rock (a Christian book store) to look through their books and was disappointed to see that they didn't have a SINGLE book about dealing with grief or loss (other than some parenting books on how to help your child through a loss). Bleh. I did find a really cute mustard seed pin, though, which now resides on my pocketbook. I've wanted a mustard seed necklace for a while but can't find one, so the pin will have to do for now.
At aout 4:40 I parked at PG's office because I expected him to get out at about 5 and we were looking forward to a date night. While I waited for him I crochetted about 4 snowflakes. He finally came out at 5:30 and we went to Japan Inn and had some delicious hibachi and sushi for supper (and edamame for an appetizer mmmmmmmm) and were planning to go watch a movie but we had an hour until it started so we went to Lowe's just to look around. While we were in there I just started feeling very tired and lightheaded. I told PG I just could barely keep my eyes open and asked if maybe we could just go home and try to catch a matinee tomorrow and he said ok.
So right now we are home. We walked the dogs, and preseason football is on TV. PG is making us some iced coffee and we are eating chocolate. Just for reference, Hersey makes dark chocolate with bits of cranberries, blueberries and almonds in it. It's delicious. You should get some.
When the game goes off we are heading to bed. I'm going to try to get a backrub. In the morning we are going to try to do some housecleaning and then see about a matinee before the boys come home. I miss them.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
August 20, 2009 - Keepsakes
I've gotten some of Anna's things made, and I'd like to share some pictures of them.
This is her keepsake box. I bought a wooden box with a lid at Michael's and had some really pretty fabric with colored eggs on it that I got from Crystal. I cut the fabric up into pieces and Modge Poged it onto the box. It's so pretty!
Here are her little hat and snowflake that now reside in the box along with the cards people have sent, the u/s photos, and my pregnancy test. I really am sure I'd like to start a snowflake ministry. I'm working on a website for that. It's keeping me busy, which at this point is a good thing.
This is the butterfly I painted to put on the keepsake box, but I like the box so well by itself that I'm just going to put the butterfly on the kids' door. Ian and Zollie's names are on the door already, so I think it would be nice to have her butterfly there too.
This is her keepsake box. I bought a wooden box with a lid at Michael's and had some really pretty fabric with colored eggs on it that I got from Crystal. I cut the fabric up into pieces and Modge Poged it onto the box. It's so pretty!
Here are her little hat and snowflake that now reside in the box along with the cards people have sent, the u/s photos, and my pregnancy test. I really am sure I'd like to start a snowflake ministry. I'm working on a website for that. It's keeping me busy, which at this point is a good thing. Wednesday, August 19, 2009
August 19, 2009
DeEtte called this morning with my HCG levels. They are at 2000. Apparently that's pretty high, so I have to go back next Tuesday for another blood draw. Joy. Why can't this just be over? It's like rubbing salt into the wound to have to keep going back. I guess he day my levels are back at 0 will be another "date" for my list. *sigh*
I keep seeing pregnant women and I just want to shake them and make sure they know how lucky they are. And I want to run away because it's hard to be happy for someone else who is getting what you want. I guess I'm jealous of those carefree pregnancy days. I'll never have a carefree pregnancy again. I'll probably be scared to death the whole time.
I have an appointment on Friday morning with Dr L. to talk about the Find Hope support group. She says they don't really meet during the summers, but that she provides counceling for individuals or couples who *would* be part of the group during the summer for free. I think PG is going to go with me. My mother in law called tonight to appologize for what she said. She misses the boys. She's going to pick them up Friday morning and keep them overnight so PG and I can have some time alone.
I keep seeing pregnant women and I just want to shake them and make sure they know how lucky they are. And I want to run away because it's hard to be happy for someone else who is getting what you want. I guess I'm jealous of those carefree pregnancy days. I'll never have a carefree pregnancy again. I'll probably be scared to death the whole time.
I have an appointment on Friday morning with Dr L. to talk about the Find Hope support group. She says they don't really meet during the summers, but that she provides counceling for individuals or couples who *would* be part of the group during the summer for free. I think PG is going to go with me. My mother in law called tonight to appologize for what she said. She misses the boys. She's going to pick them up Friday morning and keep them overnight so PG and I can have some time alone.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
August 18, 2009
Last night was really rough for me. I got on FaceBook to send DeEtte a message letting her know how much I appreciated her bringing by the ultrasound pictures, and saw that yesterday was the day she got to find out whether she was having a boy or a girl. Her u/s pictures were posted on her page. I'm so happy for her, that she's having a little boy this time and that he's healthy, but I was so so so sad thinking about how different our two u/s outcomes were.
I should be planning my u/s in a couple of months to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I should be thinking about pulling out baby clothes and washing them. I should be planning my birth. But instead I'm looking online for a cactus to bury my baby under. I'm lying in bed, bleeding. I'm hurting so bad. And it's not fair.
I told PG last night, after I had a good long cry, that I think I need to stay away from some of my mom boards for a while because if I hear one more person complain about how they hope their baby comes soon because they are sooo miserable and tired of being pregnant, I'd just scream. He said "It gives a whole new perspective on miserable, huh?" Yes. Absolutely, yes.
I had an appt this morning at 9:30 for my follow up u/s. I dropped the boys off with Suzanne (she has been such an angel this weekend, watching them so much for me) and headed to the office. I was so nervous that there would be something left and they would send me to the hospital. My bp was high. My heart was pounding. I got on the table and, thank God, there was nothing left. It was a relief, but it was horrible to see an empty uterus up there on the big screen TV.
Empty. My uterus is empty. My arms are going to be empty. This house will always feel empty because someone is missing from our family. An emtpy spot in family pictures. Just empty.
I had to head over to get my bloodwork done after the u/s, but I was out of checks so I ran by where PG was working today to get the bank card. Apparently his boss asked who I was and PG told him what had happened and he told PG to take off at lunch today and not to come next Tuesday if he didn't feel up to it. What a sweet man. I'm glad PG is home. He's getting to work out (he's been wanting to all weekend).
I've been thinking about dates. Like for the ticker on this blog, I had to pick my "goodbye to Anna" date. It took me a while to decide when it should be. Aug 13, when we found out she was gone? Aug 14, when she was born? Some random day in July, when she actually died? What will be her memorial date? Her birthday? Her EDD? This is all so confusing. I wonder what other moms who have lost do. It's so complicated because she died so long before we knew about it. 7 weeks gestation is barely anything, but I thought I was pregnant up until 11 weeks, so does that make it ok that I feel so overwhelmed by this grief?
I checked out a few books from the library today on how to deal with miscarriage. I want to read them, but I don't. I doubt they will say anything I don't already know. Does it make it better that other people have been there, done that? That I'm not alone? I have people calling and emailing and sending cards every day. People who have lost babies and know how I feel. But I still feel absolutely alone.
Dr Lamson called back while we were in town. I'll call her tomorrow morning. She said she would be in her office from 9-11am.
I tried to make Anna a little blanket last night, but it didn't come out right. It should have been a square, but instead it's shaped like a snowflake. I thought that was very appropriate. Anna was like a snowflake...uniquely mine, and gone before I could hold her in my hand. I think instead of making hats I'll make little snowflakes. I'll have to think on a name for the ministry. I know snowflake babies usually refers to adopted frozen embryos. Maybe Snowflakes of Hope? I'll think about it.
I should be planning my u/s in a couple of months to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I should be thinking about pulling out baby clothes and washing them. I should be planning my birth. But instead I'm looking online for a cactus to bury my baby under. I'm lying in bed, bleeding. I'm hurting so bad. And it's not fair.
I told PG last night, after I had a good long cry, that I think I need to stay away from some of my mom boards for a while because if I hear one more person complain about how they hope their baby comes soon because they are sooo miserable and tired of being pregnant, I'd just scream. He said "It gives a whole new perspective on miserable, huh?" Yes. Absolutely, yes.
I had an appt this morning at 9:30 for my follow up u/s. I dropped the boys off with Suzanne (she has been such an angel this weekend, watching them so much for me) and headed to the office. I was so nervous that there would be something left and they would send me to the hospital. My bp was high. My heart was pounding. I got on the table and, thank God, there was nothing left. It was a relief, but it was horrible to see an empty uterus up there on the big screen TV.
Empty. My uterus is empty. My arms are going to be empty. This house will always feel empty because someone is missing from our family. An emtpy spot in family pictures. Just empty.
I had to head over to get my bloodwork done after the u/s, but I was out of checks so I ran by where PG was working today to get the bank card. Apparently his boss asked who I was and PG told him what had happened and he told PG to take off at lunch today and not to come next Tuesday if he didn't feel up to it. What a sweet man. I'm glad PG is home. He's getting to work out (he's been wanting to all weekend).
I've been thinking about dates. Like for the ticker on this blog, I had to pick my "goodbye to Anna" date. It took me a while to decide when it should be. Aug 13, when we found out she was gone? Aug 14, when she was born? Some random day in July, when she actually died? What will be her memorial date? Her birthday? Her EDD? This is all so confusing. I wonder what other moms who have lost do. It's so complicated because she died so long before we knew about it. 7 weeks gestation is barely anything, but I thought I was pregnant up until 11 weeks, so does that make it ok that I feel so overwhelmed by this grief?
I checked out a few books from the library today on how to deal with miscarriage. I want to read them, but I don't. I doubt they will say anything I don't already know. Does it make it better that other people have been there, done that? That I'm not alone? I have people calling and emailing and sending cards every day. People who have lost babies and know how I feel. But I still feel absolutely alone.
Dr Lamson called back while we were in town. I'll call her tomorrow morning. She said she would be in her office from 9-11am.
I tried to make Anna a little blanket last night, but it didn't come out right. It should have been a square, but instead it's shaped like a snowflake. I thought that was very appropriate. Anna was like a snowflake...uniquely mine, and gone before I could hold her in my hand. I think instead of making hats I'll make little snowflakes. I'll have to think on a name for the ministry. I know snowflake babies usually refers to adopted frozen embryos. Maybe Snowflakes of Hope? I'll think about it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
August 17, 2009, evening
I got the box finished today. It's so pretty. It still needs the butterfly on top, but it's so nice now that I almost don't want to put the butterfly on it, so maybe I'll paint that and put it on the boys' door with their names instead.
DeEtte dropped off a very sweet card today and inside were 2 u/s pictures. I am so so happy to have them. They are now in the box with all the cards we've gotten, my pregnancy test, and the little hat I made. I'm going to start on her blanket soon.
I got a phone number this morning for the woman who runs Find Hope. PG knows her from work...she's the head of MFT. I left a message with her. I hope she calls me back.
I called the OB office this morning to schedule my follow-up u/s and they want me to come on in tomorrow morning. I don't know why so soon - maybe because it's been 4 weeks already and it took me so long to pass everything? I'll try to remember to ask tomorrow. I'm putting together a couple of pages of info and resources that I want to give them, as well. I'll ask tomorrow if they have something like that already and if not I'll ask them if they would like the one I'm putting together.
I also really think I'll start a little hat ministry where I can make hats for babies who were lost. I'll make a bunch this week in different colors to take by the OB office for their clients. I've already had one request for a hat from a mom on one of the boards I'm on when she found out I was interested in making them.
Every baby deserves something handmade.
PG is trying to get the boys to sleep right now. Preseason football is on TV. You would think it was just any old day. But tomorrow is huge...I find out if I have to go to the hospital for a D&C. I can't imagine there is anything left in there after yesterday. I pray that I'm right.
DeEtte dropped off a very sweet card today and inside were 2 u/s pictures. I am so so happy to have them. They are now in the box with all the cards we've gotten, my pregnancy test, and the little hat I made. I'm going to start on her blanket soon.
I got a phone number this morning for the woman who runs Find Hope. PG knows her from work...she's the head of MFT. I left a message with her. I hope she calls me back.
I called the OB office this morning to schedule my follow-up u/s and they want me to come on in tomorrow morning. I don't know why so soon - maybe because it's been 4 weeks already and it took me so long to pass everything? I'll try to remember to ask tomorrow. I'm putting together a couple of pages of info and resources that I want to give them, as well. I'll ask tomorrow if they have something like that already and if not I'll ask them if they would like the one I'm putting together.
I also really think I'll start a little hat ministry where I can make hats for babies who were lost. I'll make a bunch this week in different colors to take by the OB office for their clients. I've already had one request for a hat from a mom on one of the boards I'm on when she found out I was interested in making them.
Every baby deserves something handmade.
PG is trying to get the boys to sleep right now. Preseason football is on TV. You would think it was just any old day. But tomorrow is huge...I find out if I have to go to the hospital for a D&C. I can't imagine there is anything left in there after yesterday. I pray that I'm right.
August 17, 2009
Well, I was wrong again. Everything wasn't over.
Yesterday at about 5pm Suzanne and Dave picked up the boys to take them swimming so that PG and I could get some things done. He wanted to work in the yard and I wanted to get started decopaging the keepsake box. Around 7:30 I called to check in and let them know we'd probably be leaving in half an hour or so when PG got back from softball practice.
Just after that DeEtte called and said she was at Bible study but she couldn't concentrate because she was thinking about me so she wanted to call and check in. I told her everything was fine and I would call Monday and make an appt for my follow up ultrasound.
About 20 minutes after that my back started hurting. It felt like everything cramped up on me for maybe 15 or 20 seconds and then went away. I thougth I had just been sitting in the recliner too long, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While I was in there my back cramped up again. I came back to the living room and sat back down in the recliner, leaning over with my head in my hands. Another wave of pain, but this time it wrapped around to my belly. This felt just like my back labor with Ian. I knew I was having contractions.
Again, another million thoughts ran through my head. I thought this was over! What is going on? This is scary. What if that really wasn't the baby and she's still in there? How stupid will I feel then? What if this isn't normal? What if I really start bleeding and need to go to the hospital? Who will watch the boys? Poor Suzanne and Dave...they've gone to such lengths all weekend to help watch the kids...I hate to ask them to watch them longer.
PG opened the door and peeked around. "Are you ok? You've been sitting there with your head down ever since I pulled up." So I told him I was having contractions. By now they were so painful that I felt like moaning. I felt a little gush and went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding pretty heavily...just a constant drip of blood. We were concerned about how much blood there was and didn't know whether this was normal or not. PG finally convinced me to call DeEtte back and so I told her what was happening, and she said she would call Dr Furgason and then call me back. PG called Suzanne back and told her that I was having painful contractions and was bleeding, so we'd keep her updated.
During the next 10 minutes I kept having contractions every couple of minutes and finally as I stood up I felt something coming out...it felt just like birthing a placenta. I told PG to come quick and we went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed the deciduous cast...the lining of my uterus. It had a placenta-like texture and was sack shaped. I immediately stopped having contractions and the bleeding slacked back off.
DeEtte called back and we updated her and she said that hopefully that was everything then, but if the bleeding didn't slow way down to go get the cytotec filled.
We waited around a while to make sure things were ok and then went to get the boys. I think we got home with them around 10pm. I was so so so exhausted...I could barely walk. I just went straight to bed with Zollie and passed out.
This morning PG headed off to work and I talked to DeEtte again to let her know I was ok. I'm home alone right now, but I hope Suzanne will come stay the day with me. I'm just so worn out, physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm running on fumes.
Yesterday at about 5pm Suzanne and Dave picked up the boys to take them swimming so that PG and I could get some things done. He wanted to work in the yard and I wanted to get started decopaging the keepsake box. Around 7:30 I called to check in and let them know we'd probably be leaving in half an hour or so when PG got back from softball practice.
Just after that DeEtte called and said she was at Bible study but she couldn't concentrate because she was thinking about me so she wanted to call and check in. I told her everything was fine and I would call Monday and make an appt for my follow up ultrasound.
About 20 minutes after that my back started hurting. It felt like everything cramped up on me for maybe 15 or 20 seconds and then went away. I thougth I had just been sitting in the recliner too long, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While I was in there my back cramped up again. I came back to the living room and sat back down in the recliner, leaning over with my head in my hands. Another wave of pain, but this time it wrapped around to my belly. This felt just like my back labor with Ian. I knew I was having contractions.
Again, another million thoughts ran through my head. I thought this was over! What is going on? This is scary. What if that really wasn't the baby and she's still in there? How stupid will I feel then? What if this isn't normal? What if I really start bleeding and need to go to the hospital? Who will watch the boys? Poor Suzanne and Dave...they've gone to such lengths all weekend to help watch the kids...I hate to ask them to watch them longer.
PG opened the door and peeked around. "Are you ok? You've been sitting there with your head down ever since I pulled up." So I told him I was having contractions. By now they were so painful that I felt like moaning. I felt a little gush and went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding pretty heavily...just a constant drip of blood. We were concerned about how much blood there was and didn't know whether this was normal or not. PG finally convinced me to call DeEtte back and so I told her what was happening, and she said she would call Dr Furgason and then call me back. PG called Suzanne back and told her that I was having painful contractions and was bleeding, so we'd keep her updated.
During the next 10 minutes I kept having contractions every couple of minutes and finally as I stood up I felt something coming out...it felt just like birthing a placenta. I told PG to come quick and we went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed the deciduous cast...the lining of my uterus. It had a placenta-like texture and was sack shaped. I immediately stopped having contractions and the bleeding slacked back off.
DeEtte called back and we updated her and she said that hopefully that was everything then, but if the bleeding didn't slow way down to go get the cytotec filled.
We waited around a while to make sure things were ok and then went to get the boys. I think we got home with them around 10pm. I was so so so exhausted...I could barely walk. I just went straight to bed with Zollie and passed out.
This morning PG headed off to work and I talked to DeEtte again to let her know I was ok. I'm home alone right now, but I hope Suzanne will come stay the day with me. I'm just so worn out, physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm running on fumes.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
August 16, 2009
The boys spent the night with Suzanna/Kenzie/Mom again Friday night. So yesterday morning, PG and I got up early and went shopping. We found a pretty pink flower pot for when we get our cactus, then we went to Michael's and I got some small wooden butterflies that I'll paint and glue to the pot. I also got a wooden box that I'm going to decopage some pretty fabric to and use for the keepsakes...I've got cards people sent, and the ultrasound pictures (should find out for sure on Monday if I can get those). I'm also making her a little hat and a little blanket...I did it for my boys so she should get one, too. I found a bigger butterfly I'll put on top of the box when it's finished.
Then we picked up the boys and went to PG's boss's beachhouse at Emerald Isle. They were having a child psych get-together. I thought it would be good to get away for the day. Only 2 or 3 people acknowledged what had happened and talked with me about how we're doing. I know they all spoke to PG at work on Friday, and they all signed a card that they sent, but it was just really awkward for me. I mean, it hurts to talk about it, but all they had to say was "I'm sorry." It was weird. The boys had a good time playing at the beach, though, and the food was good (not that I ate much). I think I really overdid it and shouldn't have done so much so soon. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. Thank God Zollie only woke up one time last night. What a blessing.
We got up this morning and got ready for church. I figgured I needed to go because next week I have to be a greeter and I figgured it would be easier to deal with everyone this week than next week when I *have* to stand at the front of church. I got all the way to the parking lot and just couldn't do it. I can't imagine having 100 people hug me and tell me they are sorry, or worse, not know what happened and just try to chat with me like it's a normal Sunday.
I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm going to see if Lindsay or Susan can watch the boys for a few hours today so I can work on the keepsake box. I feel like I need to be busy doing something.
I think, once everything is over, I'm going to write a letter to the OB office. I want to thank them for seeing me at all, and especially on such short notice, knowing that I was planning a homebirth. I'm going to suggest, though, that in the future they have some sort of packet for moms who have lost their babies with all the support groups and websites. I am also thinking about maybe making a bunch of little hats to take there so that moms who have lost can have a little something to take home with them...EVERY baby deserves something hand-made.
I've been trying to contact the Find Hope support group here - it's at PCMH and is for moms who have miscarried or had a stillbirth - but it's been busy all morning.
Then we picked up the boys and went to PG's boss's beachhouse at Emerald Isle. They were having a child psych get-together. I thought it would be good to get away for the day. Only 2 or 3 people acknowledged what had happened and talked with me about how we're doing. I know they all spoke to PG at work on Friday, and they all signed a card that they sent, but it was just really awkward for me. I mean, it hurts to talk about it, but all they had to say was "I'm sorry." It was weird. The boys had a good time playing at the beach, though, and the food was good (not that I ate much). I think I really overdid it and shouldn't have done so much so soon. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. Thank God Zollie only woke up one time last night. What a blessing.
We got up this morning and got ready for church. I figgured I needed to go because next week I have to be a greeter and I figgured it would be easier to deal with everyone this week than next week when I *have* to stand at the front of church. I got all the way to the parking lot and just couldn't do it. I can't imagine having 100 people hug me and tell me they are sorry, or worse, not know what happened and just try to chat with me like it's a normal Sunday.
I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm going to see if Lindsay or Susan can watch the boys for a few hours today so I can work on the keepsake box. I feel like I need to be busy doing something.
I think, once everything is over, I'm going to write a letter to the OB office. I want to thank them for seeing me at all, and especially on such short notice, knowing that I was planning a homebirth. I'm going to suggest, though, that in the future they have some sort of packet for moms who have lost their babies with all the support groups and websites. I am also thinking about maybe making a bunch of little hats to take there so that moms who have lost can have a little something to take home with them...EVERY baby deserves something hand-made.
I've been trying to contact the Find Hope support group here - it's at PCMH and is for moms who have miscarried or had a stillbirth - but it's been busy all morning.
Anna Zophia...born ~7pm, Aug 14, 2009
Everything happened so differently from what I was told to expect, that I'm hesitant to say it's over, but I think it is. I was expecting really serious pain, heavy heavy bleeding and lots of tissue. Maybe because she was only 7 weeks, it wasn't so bad?
I had a lot of menstrul type cramps today...just a low, dull ache pretty much all day. I just put a hot rice bag on my belly and that was enough to make it bearable. My boys came home at maybe 6 and of course the first thing Zollie wanted to do was nurse. I had some stronger contractions while he was nursing, but nothing horrible...not as bad as the afterpains after he was born.
I went to the bathroom at about 7pm just to pee and when I wiped there was a couple of clots on the paper, and I almost just tossed it in the toilet, but I saw something that didn't look quite the same so I took a closer look and it was her. So incredibly small. She was maybe 1/2 inch long and just looked like a tiny little kidney bean or field pea, but rounder on one end and more pointed on the other. There was a little cord coming from the concave side, maybe an inch long, and then what I can assume was the placenta, though it wasn't still attached to the cord. It was about the size of a pencil eraser. Definately a different texture than the little clots...they were very soft and squishy and she was firm, like an undercooked bean, but dark brown like the old blood, not flesh colored or anything. Just very surreal, the whole thing.
I thought I would have cried when I saw her, but I just kind of had a scientific curiosity about the whole thing. I wish I had had a magnifying glass. I took a couple of pictures, showed her to PG, and put her in a ziploc bag. We are going tomorrow to get a pretty pot for her flower and a memory box for the nice cards people have given us and the *fingers crossed* u/s photos.
Up until that point, all the blood had been like a normal period, and a mixture of brown and red. Since then it's been like a heavy period and all bright red. My cramps are all but gone...if I pick up one of the boys, they hurt a little more, but I defiantely haven't felt the need for any pain meds or anything. Honestly, if I hadn't known I was pregnant, I probably would have just thought this was a funky pp period since I'm still nursing. I'm a little worried because I haven't bled a lot and haven't passed a lot of tissue. I'll call the mw on Monday and set up another u/s to make sure everything is out. I might take the pictures I took to see if they agree that was her.
Night night, baby Anna. Mommy and daddy love you and we'll see you when we all wake up in Heaven! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers...they would have loved you soooo much.
I had a lot of menstrul type cramps today...just a low, dull ache pretty much all day. I just put a hot rice bag on my belly and that was enough to make it bearable. My boys came home at maybe 6 and of course the first thing Zollie wanted to do was nurse. I had some stronger contractions while he was nursing, but nothing horrible...not as bad as the afterpains after he was born.
I went to the bathroom at about 7pm just to pee and when I wiped there was a couple of clots on the paper, and I almost just tossed it in the toilet, but I saw something that didn't look quite the same so I took a closer look and it was her. So incredibly small. She was maybe 1/2 inch long and just looked like a tiny little kidney bean or field pea, but rounder on one end and more pointed on the other. There was a little cord coming from the concave side, maybe an inch long, and then what I can assume was the placenta, though it wasn't still attached to the cord. It was about the size of a pencil eraser. Definately a different texture than the little clots...they were very soft and squishy and she was firm, like an undercooked bean, but dark brown like the old blood, not flesh colored or anything. Just very surreal, the whole thing.
I thought I would have cried when I saw her, but I just kind of had a scientific curiosity about the whole thing. I wish I had had a magnifying glass. I took a couple of pictures, showed her to PG, and put her in a ziploc bag. We are going tomorrow to get a pretty pot for her flower and a memory box for the nice cards people have given us and the *fingers crossed* u/s photos.
Up until that point, all the blood had been like a normal period, and a mixture of brown and red. Since then it's been like a heavy period and all bright red. My cramps are all but gone...if I pick up one of the boys, they hurt a little more, but I defiantely haven't felt the need for any pain meds or anything. Honestly, if I hadn't known I was pregnant, I probably would have just thought this was a funky pp period since I'm still nursing. I'm a little worried because I haven't bled a lot and haven't passed a lot of tissue. I'll call the mw on Monday and set up another u/s to make sure everything is out. I might take the pictures I took to see if they agree that was her.
Night night, baby Anna. Mommy and daddy love you and we'll see you when we all wake up in Heaven! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers...they would have loved you soooo much.
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