Yesterday was rough. I went for a blood draw at about 11:30 and when I picked up my lab form I dropped off the list of grief resources I had made up for DeEtte. And then I took the form over to the lab and there it was again...
Missed Abortion
...right there on the form. *sigh* As though I'm not hurting enough already? Let's go stick "abortion" on my paperwork.
So the blood draw went fine, and then I took the boys to the park. It was nice (hot though) because Heather came with her precious little girl who is just a few days from being exactly the same age as Zollie. Heather miscarried a couple of months ago, and so we had a lot to talk about. It was good to talk to someone who had been there and understood what I was feeling. She's pregnant again, now, and is coming up on the 6 week mark when she lost her last little one, so she's understandably nervous.
We talked about how losing one just sucks the joy and carefree-ness out of any future pregnancy. You realize they aren't EVER safe...I know women who have lost babies at any and every point during pregnancy, during labor itself, within hours, days, and months of being born. They are so vulnerable - always at risk. It's a lot easier now to see how moms who have to deal with all the stress and alarms that go with having a NICU baby end up with anxiety disorders.
We came home and the boys took a nap and I tried to be a little productive. I got a load of laundry done - that's good, right? Then PG got home and we had a dinner at church. I had been looking forward to that because the Haiti mission team was going to show off their slide show and we had a Haitian meal. But during the slide show they kept talking about these "beach kids" who are orphans and homeless, and just fend for themselves, and I just wanted to fly down there and bring them all home.
I had a rough night after that. I just wanted to sit and cry. I didn't go to sleep until almost 2am, and then had to get up at 7ish to teach at 8. Class went really well, at least. We learned about bats and the water cycle. The girls have some homework to do for Tuesday and I'm going to surprise them with a little quiz too (if they do their homework they should breeze through the quiz).
After I got home today I got Zollie down for a nap and did some school with Ian. I'm very impressed with him...He got about 23 of 26 letter sounds right on the first try. We practiced drawing straight lines and the # 1 as well. Apparently you can get him to do anything if you just promise he can play with the glitter pens LOL.
Both boys are asleep right now and I should probably be as well. Kenzie is coming back here when she's done teaching at 3:30, and she's spending the night. I need to do some cleaning before PG gets home...I know he's tired of the house looking lie a tornado (a very nasty one, full of dirty dishes and clothes) blew through. I'm just so unmotivated to clean. Bleh.
The good news I got today, though, was that my HCG levels came back at only 68 so I don't need any more bloodwork. Yay! Hopefully that means I don't ever have to see the word "abortion" associated with my name again.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
August 23/24, 2009
I made it to church yesterday, but it was hard. We got there at 9:30 for breakfast, and in walked little Hannah, who is a couple of months younger than Zollie. She was wearing the cutest dress, and for a split second I forgot I wasn't pregnant anymore and thought "Oh I can't wait to buy cute dresses for..." and then I got slammed with realit again. I *won't* get to buy dresses for Anna. I won't get to put her hair up in bows or pigtails. I won't know if she'll be blonde like the boys or a redhead or a brunette like her daddy. I won't know if she'll have blue eyes like me and Zollie or brown like Ian or PG.
Bleh.
Everyone else was very nice and concerned and asked how I was doing. One woman hadn't heard yet and asked me how I was feeling, and I said "so so" and she said "Oh are you still having morning sickness?" so I had to tell her we lost the baby. That was hard, too.
Last night Victoria brought us by a wonderful supper...lasagna, sallad, corn and an apple dessert. She also gave me the Earth Mama, Angel Baby Loss Comfort kit, which was very sweet. It was nice to talk to her about how things were going. She had a stillbirth a few years ago, and we have a lot of similar parenting practices, so I could relate to what she was saying.
Today I've got Bailey, which is always fun. I've got my lesson plans together for tomorrow (just need to make some copies in the morning) and my sisters are coming by to hang out after they buy their books.
~
I sent out my third snowflake today, so I guess that means the ministry is officially up and running. It's called Snowflakes of Hope and the web address is www.SnowflakesOfHope.faithweb.com . I posted on FreeCycle that I was looking for yarn for the ministry and had a ton of responses. The whole back of my car is full of yarn now. I really hope I can bless some grieving families with the ministry. I guess I've got empathy now instead of just sympathy, and I feel like I need to do something with that - something that will honor Anna's memory, bring glory to God, and help some other families at the same time. It makes me think that if I can help others, then Anna's loss wasn't for nothing.
Bleh.
Everyone else was very nice and concerned and asked how I was doing. One woman hadn't heard yet and asked me how I was feeling, and I said "so so" and she said "Oh are you still having morning sickness?" so I had to tell her we lost the baby. That was hard, too.
Last night Victoria brought us by a wonderful supper...lasagna, sallad, corn and an apple dessert. She also gave me the Earth Mama, Angel Baby Loss Comfort kit, which was very sweet. It was nice to talk to her about how things were going. She had a stillbirth a few years ago, and we have a lot of similar parenting practices, so I could relate to what she was saying.
Today I've got Bailey, which is always fun. I've got my lesson plans together for tomorrow (just need to make some copies in the morning) and my sisters are coming by to hang out after they buy their books.
~
I sent out my third snowflake today, so I guess that means the ministry is officially up and running. It's called Snowflakes of Hope and the web address is www.SnowflakesOfHope.faithweb.com . I posted on FreeCycle that I was looking for yarn for the ministry and had a ton of responses. The whole back of my car is full of yarn now. I really hope I can bless some grieving families with the ministry. I guess I've got empathy now instead of just sympathy, and I feel like I need to do something with that - something that will honor Anna's memory, bring glory to God, and help some other families at the same time. It makes me think that if I can help others, then Anna's loss wasn't for nothing.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
August 22, 2009
Things you should NEVER EVER say to a woman who has just lost her baby:
1) "There's always next time..."
Wow, where to start...so when your husband dies I can say "Oh don't worry, you can always re-marry..."?? Yeah, it feels the same way when you say it to me. Like just because I can get pregnant again it makes up for the fact that our baby died. :/
2) "Well just remember how blessed you are to have those two boys."
I am. I truely am, blessed beyond words, to have my two boys. I know there are women out there who never get the chance to have their own children and I DO know how blessed I am. But I'm supposed to have THREE children, not two, and just because I still do have two of them doesn't make it "ok" that one is dead.
3) "She was probably just sick." or "It was probably for the best so you wouldn't have a very disabled child."
So because she was sick or would have been disabled, it was for the best? Whose best? I would have loved her anyway, no matter how disabled she was!
Ug...there are more, I'll add them later.
But seriously, folks, if you NEED to say something, just say "I'm sorry." Saying something aweful just to make yourself feel better because you feel the need to "fix" things just makes it worse for me. Everything is not ok, everything isn't going to BE ok for a long time. You can't fix it, and honestly nothing you say is going to make me feel better about it. I know eventually I'll not be so sad, and eventually I might not think about her every day, much less the every single minute of every day thing I'm doing right now. So please, just acknowledge that I'm hurting and don't try to offer trite condolences. Just say "I'm sorry." I just need to know that you care about how I feel and that you acknowledge my loss.
1) "There's always next time..."
Wow, where to start...so when your husband dies I can say "Oh don't worry, you can always re-marry..."?? Yeah, it feels the same way when you say it to me. Like just because I can get pregnant again it makes up for the fact that our baby died. :/
2) "Well just remember how blessed you are to have those two boys."
I am. I truely am, blessed beyond words, to have my two boys. I know there are women out there who never get the chance to have their own children and I DO know how blessed I am. But I'm supposed to have THREE children, not two, and just because I still do have two of them doesn't make it "ok" that one is dead.
3) "She was probably just sick." or "It was probably for the best so you wouldn't have a very disabled child."
So because she was sick or would have been disabled, it was for the best? Whose best? I would have loved her anyway, no matter how disabled she was!
Ug...there are more, I'll add them later.
But seriously, folks, if you NEED to say something, just say "I'm sorry." Saying something aweful just to make yourself feel better because you feel the need to "fix" things just makes it worse for me. Everything is not ok, everything isn't going to BE ok for a long time. You can't fix it, and honestly nothing you say is going to make me feel better about it. I know eventually I'll not be so sad, and eventually I might not think about her every day, much less the every single minute of every day thing I'm doing right now. So please, just acknowledge that I'm hurting and don't try to offer trite condolences. Just say "I'm sorry." I just need to know that you care about how I feel and that you acknowledge my loss.
Friday, August 21, 2009
August 21, 2009
Today was a very long day with a lot of highs and lows.
We started out first thing this morning with PG's mom coming by to pick up the boys for an overnight trip. That was very awkward and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She has apologized for what she said, but I'm still just hurting too much to want to be around her right now. I do hope things go well with the boys tonight, though. It'll be Zollie's first overnight trip with her. I hope she doesn't bring him back too late tomorrow because I haven't gotten to nurse him since 8:00 this morning. Interestingly enough, I'm all all full of milk. I mean, I can tell they aren't empty, but they aren't engorged even after 12+ hours. That makes me kinda sad. I can't stand the thought of losing something else this week.
At 9:00 PG and I met with Dr Lamson. We talked about ourselves, how we met, our marriage and kids, and we talked about Anna and PG's parents and other things, too. She was very nice and insightful. I hope I can go back maybe weekly for a while. She said that Find Hope tends to start up in September. I'll be looking forward to that as well.
After that, PG and I went for lunch at McAllisters (yum) and then I dropped him off at work. I had a few hours to blow so I headed to the bank to deposit some checks and then on to the library with the intention of reading a couple of the books on loss that I had checked out. I finished up a book on miscarriage, which told me nothing I didn't already know, and was written in maybe the 80's to boot, so it was pretty dated. Then I started on another one that was just about infant loss and I had to stop about 1 chapter in. This book spent very little time on miscarriage and a lot of time on premature infant death, stillbirth, and "theraputic abortion" which is something I just DID NOT want to read about at all.
So I gave up on the library and went out to the car to call some of the ladies who had emailed me back about my request for yarn on FreeCycle. I spent the next couple of hours driving around town, picking up a plethora of yarn from some very nice women. One in particular had just had a miscarriage in July, so we stood out in her driveway and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. I asked her if she would like me to make her a snowflake, and she said that she thought she was doing pretty good right now, but I would like ot make her one anyway. She gave me a TON of yarn, and she was still pretty raw from her loss, so I just feel like I should send her one.
I also went by The Rock (a Christian book store) to look through their books and was disappointed to see that they didn't have a SINGLE book about dealing with grief or loss (other than some parenting books on how to help your child through a loss). Bleh. I did find a really cute mustard seed pin, though, which now resides on my pocketbook. I've wanted a mustard seed necklace for a while but can't find one, so the pin will have to do for now.
At aout 4:40 I parked at PG's office because I expected him to get out at about 5 and we were looking forward to a date night. While I waited for him I crochetted about 4 snowflakes. He finally came out at 5:30 and we went to Japan Inn and had some delicious hibachi and sushi for supper (and edamame for an appetizer mmmmmmmm) and were planning to go watch a movie but we had an hour until it started so we went to Lowe's just to look around. While we were in there I just started feeling very tired and lightheaded. I told PG I just could barely keep my eyes open and asked if maybe we could just go home and try to catch a matinee tomorrow and he said ok.
So right now we are home. We walked the dogs, and preseason football is on TV. PG is making us some iced coffee and we are eating chocolate. Just for reference, Hersey makes dark chocolate with bits of cranberries, blueberries and almonds in it. It's delicious. You should get some.
When the game goes off we are heading to bed. I'm going to try to get a backrub. In the morning we are going to try to do some housecleaning and then see about a matinee before the boys come home. I miss them.
We started out first thing this morning with PG's mom coming by to pick up the boys for an overnight trip. That was very awkward and I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She has apologized for what she said, but I'm still just hurting too much to want to be around her right now. I do hope things go well with the boys tonight, though. It'll be Zollie's first overnight trip with her. I hope she doesn't bring him back too late tomorrow because I haven't gotten to nurse him since 8:00 this morning. Interestingly enough, I'm all all full of milk. I mean, I can tell they aren't empty, but they aren't engorged even after 12+ hours. That makes me kinda sad. I can't stand the thought of losing something else this week.
At 9:00 PG and I met with Dr Lamson. We talked about ourselves, how we met, our marriage and kids, and we talked about Anna and PG's parents and other things, too. She was very nice and insightful. I hope I can go back maybe weekly for a while. She said that Find Hope tends to start up in September. I'll be looking forward to that as well.
After that, PG and I went for lunch at McAllisters (yum) and then I dropped him off at work. I had a few hours to blow so I headed to the bank to deposit some checks and then on to the library with the intention of reading a couple of the books on loss that I had checked out. I finished up a book on miscarriage, which told me nothing I didn't already know, and was written in maybe the 80's to boot, so it was pretty dated. Then I started on another one that was just about infant loss and I had to stop about 1 chapter in. This book spent very little time on miscarriage and a lot of time on premature infant death, stillbirth, and "theraputic abortion" which is something I just DID NOT want to read about at all.
So I gave up on the library and went out to the car to call some of the ladies who had emailed me back about my request for yarn on FreeCycle. I spent the next couple of hours driving around town, picking up a plethora of yarn from some very nice women. One in particular had just had a miscarriage in July, so we stood out in her driveway and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. I asked her if she would like me to make her a snowflake, and she said that she thought she was doing pretty good right now, but I would like ot make her one anyway. She gave me a TON of yarn, and she was still pretty raw from her loss, so I just feel like I should send her one.
I also went by The Rock (a Christian book store) to look through their books and was disappointed to see that they didn't have a SINGLE book about dealing with grief or loss (other than some parenting books on how to help your child through a loss). Bleh. I did find a really cute mustard seed pin, though, which now resides on my pocketbook. I've wanted a mustard seed necklace for a while but can't find one, so the pin will have to do for now.
At aout 4:40 I parked at PG's office because I expected him to get out at about 5 and we were looking forward to a date night. While I waited for him I crochetted about 4 snowflakes. He finally came out at 5:30 and we went to Japan Inn and had some delicious hibachi and sushi for supper (and edamame for an appetizer mmmmmmmm) and were planning to go watch a movie but we had an hour until it started so we went to Lowe's just to look around. While we were in there I just started feeling very tired and lightheaded. I told PG I just could barely keep my eyes open and asked if maybe we could just go home and try to catch a matinee tomorrow and he said ok.
So right now we are home. We walked the dogs, and preseason football is on TV. PG is making us some iced coffee and we are eating chocolate. Just for reference, Hersey makes dark chocolate with bits of cranberries, blueberries and almonds in it. It's delicious. You should get some.
When the game goes off we are heading to bed. I'm going to try to get a backrub. In the morning we are going to try to do some housecleaning and then see about a matinee before the boys come home. I miss them.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
August 20, 2009 - Keepsakes
I've gotten some of Anna's things made, and I'd like to share some pictures of them.
This is her keepsake box. I bought a wooden box with a lid at Michael's and had some really pretty fabric with colored eggs on it that I got from Crystal. I cut the fabric up into pieces and Modge Poged it onto the box. It's so pretty!
Here are her little hat and snowflake that now reside in the box along with the cards people have sent, the u/s photos, and my pregnancy test. I really am sure I'd like to start a snowflake ministry. I'm working on a website for that. It's keeping me busy, which at this point is a good thing.
This is the butterfly I painted to put on the keepsake box, but I like the box so well by itself that I'm just going to put the butterfly on the kids' door. Ian and Zollie's names are on the door already, so I think it would be nice to have her butterfly there too.
This is her keepsake box. I bought a wooden box with a lid at Michael's and had some really pretty fabric with colored eggs on it that I got from Crystal. I cut the fabric up into pieces and Modge Poged it onto the box. It's so pretty!
Here are her little hat and snowflake that now reside in the box along with the cards people have sent, the u/s photos, and my pregnancy test. I really am sure I'd like to start a snowflake ministry. I'm working on a website for that. It's keeping me busy, which at this point is a good thing. Wednesday, August 19, 2009
August 19, 2009
DeEtte called this morning with my HCG levels. They are at 2000. Apparently that's pretty high, so I have to go back next Tuesday for another blood draw. Joy. Why can't this just be over? It's like rubbing salt into the wound to have to keep going back. I guess he day my levels are back at 0 will be another "date" for my list. *sigh*
I keep seeing pregnant women and I just want to shake them and make sure they know how lucky they are. And I want to run away because it's hard to be happy for someone else who is getting what you want. I guess I'm jealous of those carefree pregnancy days. I'll never have a carefree pregnancy again. I'll probably be scared to death the whole time.
I have an appointment on Friday morning with Dr L. to talk about the Find Hope support group. She says they don't really meet during the summers, but that she provides counceling for individuals or couples who *would* be part of the group during the summer for free. I think PG is going to go with me. My mother in law called tonight to appologize for what she said. She misses the boys. She's going to pick them up Friday morning and keep them overnight so PG and I can have some time alone.
I keep seeing pregnant women and I just want to shake them and make sure they know how lucky they are. And I want to run away because it's hard to be happy for someone else who is getting what you want. I guess I'm jealous of those carefree pregnancy days. I'll never have a carefree pregnancy again. I'll probably be scared to death the whole time.
I have an appointment on Friday morning with Dr L. to talk about the Find Hope support group. She says they don't really meet during the summers, but that she provides counceling for individuals or couples who *would* be part of the group during the summer for free. I think PG is going to go with me. My mother in law called tonight to appologize for what she said. She misses the boys. She's going to pick them up Friday morning and keep them overnight so PG and I can have some time alone.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
August 18, 2009
Last night was really rough for me. I got on FaceBook to send DeEtte a message letting her know how much I appreciated her bringing by the ultrasound pictures, and saw that yesterday was the day she got to find out whether she was having a boy or a girl. Her u/s pictures were posted on her page. I'm so happy for her, that she's having a little boy this time and that he's healthy, but I was so so so sad thinking about how different our two u/s outcomes were.
I should be planning my u/s in a couple of months to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I should be thinking about pulling out baby clothes and washing them. I should be planning my birth. But instead I'm looking online for a cactus to bury my baby under. I'm lying in bed, bleeding. I'm hurting so bad. And it's not fair.
I told PG last night, after I had a good long cry, that I think I need to stay away from some of my mom boards for a while because if I hear one more person complain about how they hope their baby comes soon because they are sooo miserable and tired of being pregnant, I'd just scream. He said "It gives a whole new perspective on miserable, huh?" Yes. Absolutely, yes.
I had an appt this morning at 9:30 for my follow up u/s. I dropped the boys off with Suzanne (she has been such an angel this weekend, watching them so much for me) and headed to the office. I was so nervous that there would be something left and they would send me to the hospital. My bp was high. My heart was pounding. I got on the table and, thank God, there was nothing left. It was a relief, but it was horrible to see an empty uterus up there on the big screen TV.
Empty. My uterus is empty. My arms are going to be empty. This house will always feel empty because someone is missing from our family. An emtpy spot in family pictures. Just empty.
I had to head over to get my bloodwork done after the u/s, but I was out of checks so I ran by where PG was working today to get the bank card. Apparently his boss asked who I was and PG told him what had happened and he told PG to take off at lunch today and not to come next Tuesday if he didn't feel up to it. What a sweet man. I'm glad PG is home. He's getting to work out (he's been wanting to all weekend).
I've been thinking about dates. Like for the ticker on this blog, I had to pick my "goodbye to Anna" date. It took me a while to decide when it should be. Aug 13, when we found out she was gone? Aug 14, when she was born? Some random day in July, when she actually died? What will be her memorial date? Her birthday? Her EDD? This is all so confusing. I wonder what other moms who have lost do. It's so complicated because she died so long before we knew about it. 7 weeks gestation is barely anything, but I thought I was pregnant up until 11 weeks, so does that make it ok that I feel so overwhelmed by this grief?
I checked out a few books from the library today on how to deal with miscarriage. I want to read them, but I don't. I doubt they will say anything I don't already know. Does it make it better that other people have been there, done that? That I'm not alone? I have people calling and emailing and sending cards every day. People who have lost babies and know how I feel. But I still feel absolutely alone.
Dr Lamson called back while we were in town. I'll call her tomorrow morning. She said she would be in her office from 9-11am.
I tried to make Anna a little blanket last night, but it didn't come out right. It should have been a square, but instead it's shaped like a snowflake. I thought that was very appropriate. Anna was like a snowflake...uniquely mine, and gone before I could hold her in my hand. I think instead of making hats I'll make little snowflakes. I'll have to think on a name for the ministry. I know snowflake babies usually refers to adopted frozen embryos. Maybe Snowflakes of Hope? I'll think about it.
I should be planning my u/s in a couple of months to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I should be thinking about pulling out baby clothes and washing them. I should be planning my birth. But instead I'm looking online for a cactus to bury my baby under. I'm lying in bed, bleeding. I'm hurting so bad. And it's not fair.
I told PG last night, after I had a good long cry, that I think I need to stay away from some of my mom boards for a while because if I hear one more person complain about how they hope their baby comes soon because they are sooo miserable and tired of being pregnant, I'd just scream. He said "It gives a whole new perspective on miserable, huh?" Yes. Absolutely, yes.
I had an appt this morning at 9:30 for my follow up u/s. I dropped the boys off with Suzanne (she has been such an angel this weekend, watching them so much for me) and headed to the office. I was so nervous that there would be something left and they would send me to the hospital. My bp was high. My heart was pounding. I got on the table and, thank God, there was nothing left. It was a relief, but it was horrible to see an empty uterus up there on the big screen TV.
Empty. My uterus is empty. My arms are going to be empty. This house will always feel empty because someone is missing from our family. An emtpy spot in family pictures. Just empty.
I had to head over to get my bloodwork done after the u/s, but I was out of checks so I ran by where PG was working today to get the bank card. Apparently his boss asked who I was and PG told him what had happened and he told PG to take off at lunch today and not to come next Tuesday if he didn't feel up to it. What a sweet man. I'm glad PG is home. He's getting to work out (he's been wanting to all weekend).
I've been thinking about dates. Like for the ticker on this blog, I had to pick my "goodbye to Anna" date. It took me a while to decide when it should be. Aug 13, when we found out she was gone? Aug 14, when she was born? Some random day in July, when she actually died? What will be her memorial date? Her birthday? Her EDD? This is all so confusing. I wonder what other moms who have lost do. It's so complicated because she died so long before we knew about it. 7 weeks gestation is barely anything, but I thought I was pregnant up until 11 weeks, so does that make it ok that I feel so overwhelmed by this grief?
I checked out a few books from the library today on how to deal with miscarriage. I want to read them, but I don't. I doubt they will say anything I don't already know. Does it make it better that other people have been there, done that? That I'm not alone? I have people calling and emailing and sending cards every day. People who have lost babies and know how I feel. But I still feel absolutely alone.
Dr Lamson called back while we were in town. I'll call her tomorrow morning. She said she would be in her office from 9-11am.
I tried to make Anna a little blanket last night, but it didn't come out right. It should have been a square, but instead it's shaped like a snowflake. I thought that was very appropriate. Anna was like a snowflake...uniquely mine, and gone before I could hold her in my hand. I think instead of making hats I'll make little snowflakes. I'll have to think on a name for the ministry. I know snowflake babies usually refers to adopted frozen embryos. Maybe Snowflakes of Hope? I'll think about it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
August 17, 2009, evening
I got the box finished today. It's so pretty. It still needs the butterfly on top, but it's so nice now that I almost don't want to put the butterfly on it, so maybe I'll paint that and put it on the boys' door with their names instead.
DeEtte dropped off a very sweet card today and inside were 2 u/s pictures. I am so so happy to have them. They are now in the box with all the cards we've gotten, my pregnancy test, and the little hat I made. I'm going to start on her blanket soon.
I got a phone number this morning for the woman who runs Find Hope. PG knows her from work...she's the head of MFT. I left a message with her. I hope she calls me back.
I called the OB office this morning to schedule my follow-up u/s and they want me to come on in tomorrow morning. I don't know why so soon - maybe because it's been 4 weeks already and it took me so long to pass everything? I'll try to remember to ask tomorrow. I'm putting together a couple of pages of info and resources that I want to give them, as well. I'll ask tomorrow if they have something like that already and if not I'll ask them if they would like the one I'm putting together.
I also really think I'll start a little hat ministry where I can make hats for babies who were lost. I'll make a bunch this week in different colors to take by the OB office for their clients. I've already had one request for a hat from a mom on one of the boards I'm on when she found out I was interested in making them.
Every baby deserves something handmade.
PG is trying to get the boys to sleep right now. Preseason football is on TV. You would think it was just any old day. But tomorrow is huge...I find out if I have to go to the hospital for a D&C. I can't imagine there is anything left in there after yesterday. I pray that I'm right.
DeEtte dropped off a very sweet card today and inside were 2 u/s pictures. I am so so happy to have them. They are now in the box with all the cards we've gotten, my pregnancy test, and the little hat I made. I'm going to start on her blanket soon.
I got a phone number this morning for the woman who runs Find Hope. PG knows her from work...she's the head of MFT. I left a message with her. I hope she calls me back.
I called the OB office this morning to schedule my follow-up u/s and they want me to come on in tomorrow morning. I don't know why so soon - maybe because it's been 4 weeks already and it took me so long to pass everything? I'll try to remember to ask tomorrow. I'm putting together a couple of pages of info and resources that I want to give them, as well. I'll ask tomorrow if they have something like that already and if not I'll ask them if they would like the one I'm putting together.
I also really think I'll start a little hat ministry where I can make hats for babies who were lost. I'll make a bunch this week in different colors to take by the OB office for their clients. I've already had one request for a hat from a mom on one of the boards I'm on when she found out I was interested in making them.
Every baby deserves something handmade.
PG is trying to get the boys to sleep right now. Preseason football is on TV. You would think it was just any old day. But tomorrow is huge...I find out if I have to go to the hospital for a D&C. I can't imagine there is anything left in there after yesterday. I pray that I'm right.
August 17, 2009
Well, I was wrong again. Everything wasn't over.
Yesterday at about 5pm Suzanne and Dave picked up the boys to take them swimming so that PG and I could get some things done. He wanted to work in the yard and I wanted to get started decopaging the keepsake box. Around 7:30 I called to check in and let them know we'd probably be leaving in half an hour or so when PG got back from softball practice.
Just after that DeEtte called and said she was at Bible study but she couldn't concentrate because she was thinking about me so she wanted to call and check in. I told her everything was fine and I would call Monday and make an appt for my follow up ultrasound.
About 20 minutes after that my back started hurting. It felt like everything cramped up on me for maybe 15 or 20 seconds and then went away. I thougth I had just been sitting in the recliner too long, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While I was in there my back cramped up again. I came back to the living room and sat back down in the recliner, leaning over with my head in my hands. Another wave of pain, but this time it wrapped around to my belly. This felt just like my back labor with Ian. I knew I was having contractions.
Again, another million thoughts ran through my head. I thought this was over! What is going on? This is scary. What if that really wasn't the baby and she's still in there? How stupid will I feel then? What if this isn't normal? What if I really start bleeding and need to go to the hospital? Who will watch the boys? Poor Suzanne and Dave...they've gone to such lengths all weekend to help watch the kids...I hate to ask them to watch them longer.
PG opened the door and peeked around. "Are you ok? You've been sitting there with your head down ever since I pulled up." So I told him I was having contractions. By now they were so painful that I felt like moaning. I felt a little gush and went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding pretty heavily...just a constant drip of blood. We were concerned about how much blood there was and didn't know whether this was normal or not. PG finally convinced me to call DeEtte back and so I told her what was happening, and she said she would call Dr Furgason and then call me back. PG called Suzanne back and told her that I was having painful contractions and was bleeding, so we'd keep her updated.
During the next 10 minutes I kept having contractions every couple of minutes and finally as I stood up I felt something coming out...it felt just like birthing a placenta. I told PG to come quick and we went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed the deciduous cast...the lining of my uterus. It had a placenta-like texture and was sack shaped. I immediately stopped having contractions and the bleeding slacked back off.
DeEtte called back and we updated her and she said that hopefully that was everything then, but if the bleeding didn't slow way down to go get the cytotec filled.
We waited around a while to make sure things were ok and then went to get the boys. I think we got home with them around 10pm. I was so so so exhausted...I could barely walk. I just went straight to bed with Zollie and passed out.
This morning PG headed off to work and I talked to DeEtte again to let her know I was ok. I'm home alone right now, but I hope Suzanne will come stay the day with me. I'm just so worn out, physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm running on fumes.
Yesterday at about 5pm Suzanne and Dave picked up the boys to take them swimming so that PG and I could get some things done. He wanted to work in the yard and I wanted to get started decopaging the keepsake box. Around 7:30 I called to check in and let them know we'd probably be leaving in half an hour or so when PG got back from softball practice.
Just after that DeEtte called and said she was at Bible study but she couldn't concentrate because she was thinking about me so she wanted to call and check in. I told her everything was fine and I would call Monday and make an appt for my follow up ultrasound.
About 20 minutes after that my back started hurting. It felt like everything cramped up on me for maybe 15 or 20 seconds and then went away. I thougth I had just been sitting in the recliner too long, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While I was in there my back cramped up again. I came back to the living room and sat back down in the recliner, leaning over with my head in my hands. Another wave of pain, but this time it wrapped around to my belly. This felt just like my back labor with Ian. I knew I was having contractions.
Again, another million thoughts ran through my head. I thought this was over! What is going on? This is scary. What if that really wasn't the baby and she's still in there? How stupid will I feel then? What if this isn't normal? What if I really start bleeding and need to go to the hospital? Who will watch the boys? Poor Suzanne and Dave...they've gone to such lengths all weekend to help watch the kids...I hate to ask them to watch them longer.
PG opened the door and peeked around. "Are you ok? You've been sitting there with your head down ever since I pulled up." So I told him I was having contractions. By now they were so painful that I felt like moaning. I felt a little gush and went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding pretty heavily...just a constant drip of blood. We were concerned about how much blood there was and didn't know whether this was normal or not. PG finally convinced me to call DeEtte back and so I told her what was happening, and she said she would call Dr Furgason and then call me back. PG called Suzanne back and told her that I was having painful contractions and was bleeding, so we'd keep her updated.
During the next 10 minutes I kept having contractions every couple of minutes and finally as I stood up I felt something coming out...it felt just like birthing a placenta. I told PG to come quick and we went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed the deciduous cast...the lining of my uterus. It had a placenta-like texture and was sack shaped. I immediately stopped having contractions and the bleeding slacked back off.
DeEtte called back and we updated her and she said that hopefully that was everything then, but if the bleeding didn't slow way down to go get the cytotec filled.
We waited around a while to make sure things were ok and then went to get the boys. I think we got home with them around 10pm. I was so so so exhausted...I could barely walk. I just went straight to bed with Zollie and passed out.
This morning PG headed off to work and I talked to DeEtte again to let her know I was ok. I'm home alone right now, but I hope Suzanne will come stay the day with me. I'm just so worn out, physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm running on fumes.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
August 16, 2009
The boys spent the night with Suzanna/Kenzie/Mom again Friday night. So yesterday morning, PG and I got up early and went shopping. We found a pretty pink flower pot for when we get our cactus, then we went to Michael's and I got some small wooden butterflies that I'll paint and glue to the pot. I also got a wooden box that I'm going to decopage some pretty fabric to and use for the keepsakes...I've got cards people sent, and the ultrasound pictures (should find out for sure on Monday if I can get those). I'm also making her a little hat and a little blanket...I did it for my boys so she should get one, too. I found a bigger butterfly I'll put on top of the box when it's finished.
Then we picked up the boys and went to PG's boss's beachhouse at Emerald Isle. They were having a child psych get-together. I thought it would be good to get away for the day. Only 2 or 3 people acknowledged what had happened and talked with me about how we're doing. I know they all spoke to PG at work on Friday, and they all signed a card that they sent, but it was just really awkward for me. I mean, it hurts to talk about it, but all they had to say was "I'm sorry." It was weird. The boys had a good time playing at the beach, though, and the food was good (not that I ate much). I think I really overdid it and shouldn't have done so much so soon. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. Thank God Zollie only woke up one time last night. What a blessing.
We got up this morning and got ready for church. I figgured I needed to go because next week I have to be a greeter and I figgured it would be easier to deal with everyone this week than next week when I *have* to stand at the front of church. I got all the way to the parking lot and just couldn't do it. I can't imagine having 100 people hug me and tell me they are sorry, or worse, not know what happened and just try to chat with me like it's a normal Sunday.
I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm going to see if Lindsay or Susan can watch the boys for a few hours today so I can work on the keepsake box. I feel like I need to be busy doing something.
I think, once everything is over, I'm going to write a letter to the OB office. I want to thank them for seeing me at all, and especially on such short notice, knowing that I was planning a homebirth. I'm going to suggest, though, that in the future they have some sort of packet for moms who have lost their babies with all the support groups and websites. I am also thinking about maybe making a bunch of little hats to take there so that moms who have lost can have a little something to take home with them...EVERY baby deserves something hand-made.
I've been trying to contact the Find Hope support group here - it's at PCMH and is for moms who have miscarried or had a stillbirth - but it's been busy all morning.
Then we picked up the boys and went to PG's boss's beachhouse at Emerald Isle. They were having a child psych get-together. I thought it would be good to get away for the day. Only 2 or 3 people acknowledged what had happened and talked with me about how we're doing. I know they all spoke to PG at work on Friday, and they all signed a card that they sent, but it was just really awkward for me. I mean, it hurts to talk about it, but all they had to say was "I'm sorry." It was weird. The boys had a good time playing at the beach, though, and the food was good (not that I ate much). I think I really overdid it and shouldn't have done so much so soon. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. Thank God Zollie only woke up one time last night. What a blessing.
We got up this morning and got ready for church. I figgured I needed to go because next week I have to be a greeter and I figgured it would be easier to deal with everyone this week than next week when I *have* to stand at the front of church. I got all the way to the parking lot and just couldn't do it. I can't imagine having 100 people hug me and tell me they are sorry, or worse, not know what happened and just try to chat with me like it's a normal Sunday.
I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm going to see if Lindsay or Susan can watch the boys for a few hours today so I can work on the keepsake box. I feel like I need to be busy doing something.
I think, once everything is over, I'm going to write a letter to the OB office. I want to thank them for seeing me at all, and especially on such short notice, knowing that I was planning a homebirth. I'm going to suggest, though, that in the future they have some sort of packet for moms who have lost their babies with all the support groups and websites. I am also thinking about maybe making a bunch of little hats to take there so that moms who have lost can have a little something to take home with them...EVERY baby deserves something hand-made.
I've been trying to contact the Find Hope support group here - it's at PCMH and is for moms who have miscarried or had a stillbirth - but it's been busy all morning.
Anna Zophia...born ~7pm, Aug 14, 2009
Everything happened so differently from what I was told to expect, that I'm hesitant to say it's over, but I think it is. I was expecting really serious pain, heavy heavy bleeding and lots of tissue. Maybe because she was only 7 weeks, it wasn't so bad?
I had a lot of menstrul type cramps today...just a low, dull ache pretty much all day. I just put a hot rice bag on my belly and that was enough to make it bearable. My boys came home at maybe 6 and of course the first thing Zollie wanted to do was nurse. I had some stronger contractions while he was nursing, but nothing horrible...not as bad as the afterpains after he was born.
I went to the bathroom at about 7pm just to pee and when I wiped there was a couple of clots on the paper, and I almost just tossed it in the toilet, but I saw something that didn't look quite the same so I took a closer look and it was her. So incredibly small. She was maybe 1/2 inch long and just looked like a tiny little kidney bean or field pea, but rounder on one end and more pointed on the other. There was a little cord coming from the concave side, maybe an inch long, and then what I can assume was the placenta, though it wasn't still attached to the cord. It was about the size of a pencil eraser. Definately a different texture than the little clots...they were very soft and squishy and she was firm, like an undercooked bean, but dark brown like the old blood, not flesh colored or anything. Just very surreal, the whole thing.
I thought I would have cried when I saw her, but I just kind of had a scientific curiosity about the whole thing. I wish I had had a magnifying glass. I took a couple of pictures, showed her to PG, and put her in a ziploc bag. We are going tomorrow to get a pretty pot for her flower and a memory box for the nice cards people have given us and the *fingers crossed* u/s photos.
Up until that point, all the blood had been like a normal period, and a mixture of brown and red. Since then it's been like a heavy period and all bright red. My cramps are all but gone...if I pick up one of the boys, they hurt a little more, but I defiantely haven't felt the need for any pain meds or anything. Honestly, if I hadn't known I was pregnant, I probably would have just thought this was a funky pp period since I'm still nursing. I'm a little worried because I haven't bled a lot and haven't passed a lot of tissue. I'll call the mw on Monday and set up another u/s to make sure everything is out. I might take the pictures I took to see if they agree that was her.
Night night, baby Anna. Mommy and daddy love you and we'll see you when we all wake up in Heaven! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers...they would have loved you soooo much.
I had a lot of menstrul type cramps today...just a low, dull ache pretty much all day. I just put a hot rice bag on my belly and that was enough to make it bearable. My boys came home at maybe 6 and of course the first thing Zollie wanted to do was nurse. I had some stronger contractions while he was nursing, but nothing horrible...not as bad as the afterpains after he was born.
I went to the bathroom at about 7pm just to pee and when I wiped there was a couple of clots on the paper, and I almost just tossed it in the toilet, but I saw something that didn't look quite the same so I took a closer look and it was her. So incredibly small. She was maybe 1/2 inch long and just looked like a tiny little kidney bean or field pea, but rounder on one end and more pointed on the other. There was a little cord coming from the concave side, maybe an inch long, and then what I can assume was the placenta, though it wasn't still attached to the cord. It was about the size of a pencil eraser. Definately a different texture than the little clots...they were very soft and squishy and she was firm, like an undercooked bean, but dark brown like the old blood, not flesh colored or anything. Just very surreal, the whole thing.
I thought I would have cried when I saw her, but I just kind of had a scientific curiosity about the whole thing. I wish I had had a magnifying glass. I took a couple of pictures, showed her to PG, and put her in a ziploc bag. We are going tomorrow to get a pretty pot for her flower and a memory box for the nice cards people have given us and the *fingers crossed* u/s photos.
Up until that point, all the blood had been like a normal period, and a mixture of brown and red. Since then it's been like a heavy period and all bright red. My cramps are all but gone...if I pick up one of the boys, they hurt a little more, but I defiantely haven't felt the need for any pain meds or anything. Honestly, if I hadn't known I was pregnant, I probably would have just thought this was a funky pp period since I'm still nursing. I'm a little worried because I haven't bled a lot and haven't passed a lot of tissue. I'll call the mw on Monday and set up another u/s to make sure everything is out. I might take the pictures I took to see if they agree that was her.
Night night, baby Anna. Mommy and daddy love you and we'll see you when we all wake up in Heaven! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers...they would have loved you soooo much.
August 14, 2009 - The loss of our little girl
Yesterday - August 13, 2009 at about 1:30pm - we found out our baby had died.
That morning I was at Michael (the boy I babysit)'s house and I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of red in my panties. I had had a little brown once or twice before, but never red, so I was immediately concerned. So of course I started rationalizing. Well maybe when I was "cleaning up" I scratched my cervix or something...or maybe it was tripping over the dog last night - maybe that just jarred things a little.
But within 30 min there was red mixed with brown every time I wiped. I paged PG. I called Glynis and left a message for her to pray. I called Crystal and got her to call Lisa (my midwife) since I couldn't call long distance from Michael's house. Crystal started a prayer thread on CMF for me.
Lisa called me back and I told her what was happening. She said not to panic...sometimes women bleed and nothing is wrong...but she suggested that I see if I could find an OB office that would let me come in for an u/s just to see what was going on. PG called back and I told him what was going on. He told me to call around and let him know and he would meet me whereever.
I called Greenville OB/Gyn first because I knew the midwives there were cool with homebirthers, but none of the appointments people were there (it was lunch time) and I really didn't want to wait an hour+ to find out if I could be seen. So I called Carolina Women's Physicians where DeEtte (a CNM friend of mine) works and asked to speak to her. I told her I just needed to see what was going on, and would her OB be ok with me coming by. She said she would talk to her and call me back. In about 10 minutes she called back and said to come right over, they would get me back as soon as possible.
Michael's dad came to watch all the boys and I met PG and picked him up and we went to the dr's office. Insurance paperwork, then they took us straight to the u/s room. The technician asked when my last period was, but I couldn't think straight. I said "I know I'm 11 weeks today...can we find a calendar" and she counted back and said "Does May 28 sound right?" and I said yes...that was right, I just couldn't think of it at the time. So I laid down on the table and she put the nasty goo on my belly and started looking. I could see my uterus and a dark shape in it. It didn't look baby shaped, so I was almost scared to ask if that was the baby, so I just watched. She asked if I was sure of my dates and PG told her oh yes, she's pretty obsessive about the dates.
The tech measured some things and typed some things and I finally asked said "So what are we looking at..." She said "well this is the fetal pole" and I know I said "So there *is* something in there?" I was actually not even thinking about a heartbeat or anything...I was just happy to hear that I *WAS* in fact pregnant. This pregnancy had been so different...I was never sick or anything...I had been doubting the whole time that I was actually pregnant at all...Kept thining I should take another test just to make sure. Then she said "But I...I'm sorry to say I can't find a heart beat. I'm sorry to have to tell you that."
Reality struck me. It didn't matter that there was a baby on the screen...it wasn't alive. I just bit my bottom lip and tried to hold back the tears. She did another couple of measurements and said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks. BAM. Another smack from reality...she died before the drama with my inlaws. Before my interview with Lisa. Before I had that brown discharge after sex a couple of weeks ago. Before we told Ian or anyone at church or ANYONE that we were even pregnant. She was already dead.
The tech wiped off my belly, gave us some klenex and said she would just leave us alone for a bit and a nurse would come get us to do my vitals and such. I didn't really cry. I was numb. 1000 thoughts going through my head. I need to call Lisa. I need to call mom. Oh God we have to tell everyone. I can't do that. Who will get the boys? My baby is dead. I won't have a homebirth for my 30th birthday now. My birthday will suck. Every year. I will know I should be having HER party and won't. Numb.
The nurse came and had me sit at their little vitals station and took my blood pressure and pulse. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. We went back to the exam room and another nurse came in and took my history. She was polite, but never said she was sorry or anything. I wish she had at least said she was sorry.
Then DeEtte came in. As soon as she walked in we both started crying and I just hugged her. I'm so so glad she was there. We talked about what to expect, how since it had been 4 weeks I really needed something to happen soon because I could get an infection. She gave me a perscription for cytotec to use intervaginally if things didn't happen on their own, and 2 scripts for pain meds. I knew I wouldn't use them. I fold my klenex into interesting shapes. She said that once I miscarry to call and make an appointment for a week afterwards for another ultrasound to make sure nothing was retained. PG asked how long we should wait before using the cytotec and she said no more than 5 days. I just nodded. Cytotec is scary. It causes uterine rupture. I don't want to use it. I don't want a D&C either becaue it could scar my uterus or cause incompetent cervix.
DeEtte says she hates this...but it is one of those things that comes along with having a big family...I know that...it doens't make it hurt less. She hugs me again and says to call if she needs anything. I toss my klenex...it's in pieces by now. I get new ones on the way out the door.
We walk out. I try not to cry as I pass all the happy pregnant women. They shouldn't need to worry about their babies dying. A couple of people give me knowing looks as we leave. I wonder if they have had losses, too?
We get in the car and drive back to where PG's car is parked. I make him call mom and my sisters on the way. I can't talk on the phone. He starts all the calls with "We've got some bad news...Vallere's had a miscarriage." I cringe. I hate that word. It doesn't say what happened. What happened was that our BABY DIED. Miscarriage is such an ugly word...I told him that...that I'd rather he say we lost the baby because that's what happened and miscarriage is ugly. He said he's sorry, he didn't know it bothered me. I didn't either until he had said it. I hate I made a big deal out of it...now he's feeling bad.
We swap seats and I tell him to leave me the phone so I can call Crystal on my way home. He says he needs to check in at work first, so he gets out and talks to his boss for a minute. I lose it and cry in the car. He hangs up and opens my door. "You want me to ride home with you?" *nod nod nod* I get back in the passenger seat. We drive home. I call Crystal. She comforts me. I tried to call Victoria to tell her I wouldn't be at the LLL meeting tonight and could she cover for me. No one answers. I don't want to leave a message. I'll call back later.
PG wants to stop by church to let our pastor know. I call Glynis while he's inside. She weeps with me. She had been praying all day. I hope she doesn't blame God.
PG comes back. The pastor wasn't there - PG left a message with the secretary. We went by and picked up the boys. Ian gave me a sweet kiss as he got in the car. Will we tell him? We get home. PG calls his sister and uncle. He goes outside to call his mom. He comes back in and the phone starts ringing. He says not to answer it, it's her, she knows I don't want to talk, but she wants to leave me a message. She's crying so hard I can't understand her. Good, I think. I hope she's upset after what she said.
My sister and her boyfriend come by. The boys are asleep but they are going to take them for the night once they wake up. We sit and chat. They turn the topic to D&D. I try to hang but I keep zoning out. Our pastor comes. We talk a little. He asks what happened so I tell him about the dr's office. I keep saying she and he asks if we had seen that it was a girl and I say no, I dreamed it though. He asks what will happen now and I say I hope it happens on its own, she'll be very tiny but I hope we can find her.
I realize I didn't ask for an u/s picture. I realize I need to figgure out what to do with her remains. I can't talk anymore. Everyone is talking but me. I wish they would leave. I just want a nap or a shower or something. I just want me and PG. Dave goes to get me some BoBerry biscuits because I haven't eaten all day. I eat one and drink some milk. I'm not hungry.
I say that I need a nap. Pastor takes the hint and leaves. The boys wake up. PG helps them move the carseats into their car and I pack the boys a bag. I love them and I want to be with them but I want to be alone too. I don't want them to see me crying or in pain. I don't know when "labor" will start.
I realize I never called anyone else about the LLL meeting. I feel horrible...I hope no one came.
PG says he needs to get his mind off things and asks if it's ok if he still goes to play softball tonight. I say sure. I figgured I would just take a bath and go to bed anyway. He grieves differently from me...if he needs to go that is ok. He goes to the game. I take a shower. I cry. The hot water feels good. I check myself and my cervix is short. That's good, I think. It was long yesterday. Maybe things will happen fast.
I go back downstairs to post on Facebook and check email and CMF. Everyone is so sweet. It makes me cry to see so many moms who have been through this. The support is so nice. PG comes home and plays online some, then calls his uncle back. They talk for a while. He needed that.
We talk about what to do with her remains. Whether to have genetic testing done. Whether to name her. He says all those things make it harder on him. Now I feel bad again that they are so important to me. We go to bed. We lay and talk for a while. We decide that we have to name her Anna Zophia becaues it would be weird to name another baby that name now. We talk about whether to buy a plant for her or to have her cremated and make a garden stone. I say I'll call some funeral homes tomorrow and ask about prices. He asks if he can go to work. My mom is coming...I'll be fine. He needs to go to get away from here.
We sleep. All night. The first night I've slept all night since I was pregnant with Zollie. I dreamed about being chased. Again.
I hear crying. Is that Ian? Back to sleep. I hear crying? Zollie? Ian? Then I realize they aren't here. Is it the dog whining? Where is PG? I listen. He's in the shower bawling. Do I go to him or does he want to be alone? I go. I reach in and hug him. We cry. He says he was just imagining holding her in his hands and telling her he was so so sorry. I told him that whatever was wrong with her is fixed now. She's all perfect now. But I still miss her and it still sucks and I hate it. We cry some more. I go back to bed. I can't sleep. PG gets ready for work. He says to call if I need him.
I get up and play online. Distraction. I call DeEtte to see if there are any copies of the u/s pics I could have. As soon as she picks up the phone I start crying again. She says she'll ask her dr if they were saved on the computer and if they were she'll get copies for me. She gives me her cell number so if I need her this weekend I can get her directly. I call funeral homes. The first one says it would cost $275. The second one says they've never had that situation before and they'll check and to call back later. I'm not calling back. The third doesn't open till 10. I won't call them back either. We'll just buy a cactus for her. I don't feel right about cremating her anyway. I get on ebay and start stalking a cactus.
It's 10:51 and I'm still waiting on mom to get here. She said she'd stop by the store and get me some pads and klenex. I'm getting crampy. I hope this is it. I hope I can find my daughter's remains. I hope I can take a picture or something and that everyone doesn't think that's nasty and gross. When PG and I were talking about it, he kept saying she's been gone so long and is so tiny I probably won't find her. I said that would be worse for me. He said it would be easier for him. I said she's my BABY. She might as well have been a baby I carried to term. I had a name. I had plans. I had dreams. All gone. He wasn't at that point. I feel bad again.
That morning I was at Michael (the boy I babysit)'s house and I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of red in my panties. I had had a little brown once or twice before, but never red, so I was immediately concerned. So of course I started rationalizing. Well maybe when I was "cleaning up" I scratched my cervix or something...or maybe it was tripping over the dog last night - maybe that just jarred things a little.
But within 30 min there was red mixed with brown every time I wiped. I paged PG. I called Glynis and left a message for her to pray. I called Crystal and got her to call Lisa (my midwife) since I couldn't call long distance from Michael's house. Crystal started a prayer thread on CMF for me.
Lisa called me back and I told her what was happening. She said not to panic...sometimes women bleed and nothing is wrong...but she suggested that I see if I could find an OB office that would let me come in for an u/s just to see what was going on. PG called back and I told him what was going on. He told me to call around and let him know and he would meet me whereever.
I called Greenville OB/Gyn first because I knew the midwives there were cool with homebirthers, but none of the appointments people were there (it was lunch time) and I really didn't want to wait an hour+ to find out if I could be seen. So I called Carolina Women's Physicians where DeEtte (a CNM friend of mine) works and asked to speak to her. I told her I just needed to see what was going on, and would her OB be ok with me coming by. She said she would talk to her and call me back. In about 10 minutes she called back and said to come right over, they would get me back as soon as possible.
Michael's dad came to watch all the boys and I met PG and picked him up and we went to the dr's office. Insurance paperwork, then they took us straight to the u/s room. The technician asked when my last period was, but I couldn't think straight. I said "I know I'm 11 weeks today...can we find a calendar" and she counted back and said "Does May 28 sound right?" and I said yes...that was right, I just couldn't think of it at the time. So I laid down on the table and she put the nasty goo on my belly and started looking. I could see my uterus and a dark shape in it. It didn't look baby shaped, so I was almost scared to ask if that was the baby, so I just watched. She asked if I was sure of my dates and PG told her oh yes, she's pretty obsessive about the dates.
The tech measured some things and typed some things and I finally asked said "So what are we looking at..." She said "well this is the fetal pole" and I know I said "So there *is* something in there?" I was actually not even thinking about a heartbeat or anything...I was just happy to hear that I *WAS* in fact pregnant. This pregnancy had been so different...I was never sick or anything...I had been doubting the whole time that I was actually pregnant at all...Kept thining I should take another test just to make sure. Then she said "But I...I'm sorry to say I can't find a heart beat. I'm sorry to have to tell you that."
Reality struck me. It didn't matter that there was a baby on the screen...it wasn't alive. I just bit my bottom lip and tried to hold back the tears. She did another couple of measurements and said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks. BAM. Another smack from reality...she died before the drama with my inlaws. Before my interview with Lisa. Before I had that brown discharge after sex a couple of weeks ago. Before we told Ian or anyone at church or ANYONE that we were even pregnant. She was already dead.
The tech wiped off my belly, gave us some klenex and said she would just leave us alone for a bit and a nurse would come get us to do my vitals and such. I didn't really cry. I was numb. 1000 thoughts going through my head. I need to call Lisa. I need to call mom. Oh God we have to tell everyone. I can't do that. Who will get the boys? My baby is dead. I won't have a homebirth for my 30th birthday now. My birthday will suck. Every year. I will know I should be having HER party and won't. Numb.
The nurse came and had me sit at their little vitals station and took my blood pressure and pulse. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. We went back to the exam room and another nurse came in and took my history. She was polite, but never said she was sorry or anything. I wish she had at least said she was sorry.
Then DeEtte came in. As soon as she walked in we both started crying and I just hugged her. I'm so so glad she was there. We talked about what to expect, how since it had been 4 weeks I really needed something to happen soon because I could get an infection. She gave me a perscription for cytotec to use intervaginally if things didn't happen on their own, and 2 scripts for pain meds. I knew I wouldn't use them. I fold my klenex into interesting shapes. She said that once I miscarry to call and make an appointment for a week afterwards for another ultrasound to make sure nothing was retained. PG asked how long we should wait before using the cytotec and she said no more than 5 days. I just nodded. Cytotec is scary. It causes uterine rupture. I don't want to use it. I don't want a D&C either becaue it could scar my uterus or cause incompetent cervix.
DeEtte says she hates this...but it is one of those things that comes along with having a big family...I know that...it doens't make it hurt less. She hugs me again and says to call if she needs anything. I toss my klenex...it's in pieces by now. I get new ones on the way out the door.
We walk out. I try not to cry as I pass all the happy pregnant women. They shouldn't need to worry about their babies dying. A couple of people give me knowing looks as we leave. I wonder if they have had losses, too?
We get in the car and drive back to where PG's car is parked. I make him call mom and my sisters on the way. I can't talk on the phone. He starts all the calls with "We've got some bad news...Vallere's had a miscarriage." I cringe. I hate that word. It doesn't say what happened. What happened was that our BABY DIED. Miscarriage is such an ugly word...I told him that...that I'd rather he say we lost the baby because that's what happened and miscarriage is ugly. He said he's sorry, he didn't know it bothered me. I didn't either until he had said it. I hate I made a big deal out of it...now he's feeling bad.
We swap seats and I tell him to leave me the phone so I can call Crystal on my way home. He says he needs to check in at work first, so he gets out and talks to his boss for a minute. I lose it and cry in the car. He hangs up and opens my door. "You want me to ride home with you?" *nod nod nod* I get back in the passenger seat. We drive home. I call Crystal. She comforts me. I tried to call Victoria to tell her I wouldn't be at the LLL meeting tonight and could she cover for me. No one answers. I don't want to leave a message. I'll call back later.
PG wants to stop by church to let our pastor know. I call Glynis while he's inside. She weeps with me. She had been praying all day. I hope she doesn't blame God.
PG comes back. The pastor wasn't there - PG left a message with the secretary. We went by and picked up the boys. Ian gave me a sweet kiss as he got in the car. Will we tell him? We get home. PG calls his sister and uncle. He goes outside to call his mom. He comes back in and the phone starts ringing. He says not to answer it, it's her, she knows I don't want to talk, but she wants to leave me a message. She's crying so hard I can't understand her. Good, I think. I hope she's upset after what she said.
My sister and her boyfriend come by. The boys are asleep but they are going to take them for the night once they wake up. We sit and chat. They turn the topic to D&D. I try to hang but I keep zoning out. Our pastor comes. We talk a little. He asks what happened so I tell him about the dr's office. I keep saying she and he asks if we had seen that it was a girl and I say no, I dreamed it though. He asks what will happen now and I say I hope it happens on its own, she'll be very tiny but I hope we can find her.
I realize I didn't ask for an u/s picture. I realize I need to figgure out what to do with her remains. I can't talk anymore. Everyone is talking but me. I wish they would leave. I just want a nap or a shower or something. I just want me and PG. Dave goes to get me some BoBerry biscuits because I haven't eaten all day. I eat one and drink some milk. I'm not hungry.
I say that I need a nap. Pastor takes the hint and leaves. The boys wake up. PG helps them move the carseats into their car and I pack the boys a bag. I love them and I want to be with them but I want to be alone too. I don't want them to see me crying or in pain. I don't know when "labor" will start.
I realize I never called anyone else about the LLL meeting. I feel horrible...I hope no one came.
PG says he needs to get his mind off things and asks if it's ok if he still goes to play softball tonight. I say sure. I figgured I would just take a bath and go to bed anyway. He grieves differently from me...if he needs to go that is ok. He goes to the game. I take a shower. I cry. The hot water feels good. I check myself and my cervix is short. That's good, I think. It was long yesterday. Maybe things will happen fast.
I go back downstairs to post on Facebook and check email and CMF. Everyone is so sweet. It makes me cry to see so many moms who have been through this. The support is so nice. PG comes home and plays online some, then calls his uncle back. They talk for a while. He needed that.
We talk about what to do with her remains. Whether to have genetic testing done. Whether to name her. He says all those things make it harder on him. Now I feel bad again that they are so important to me. We go to bed. We lay and talk for a while. We decide that we have to name her Anna Zophia becaues it would be weird to name another baby that name now. We talk about whether to buy a plant for her or to have her cremated and make a garden stone. I say I'll call some funeral homes tomorrow and ask about prices. He asks if he can go to work. My mom is coming...I'll be fine. He needs to go to get away from here.
We sleep. All night. The first night I've slept all night since I was pregnant with Zollie. I dreamed about being chased. Again.
I hear crying. Is that Ian? Back to sleep. I hear crying? Zollie? Ian? Then I realize they aren't here. Is it the dog whining? Where is PG? I listen. He's in the shower bawling. Do I go to him or does he want to be alone? I go. I reach in and hug him. We cry. He says he was just imagining holding her in his hands and telling her he was so so sorry. I told him that whatever was wrong with her is fixed now. She's all perfect now. But I still miss her and it still sucks and I hate it. We cry some more. I go back to bed. I can't sleep. PG gets ready for work. He says to call if I need him.
I get up and play online. Distraction. I call DeEtte to see if there are any copies of the u/s pics I could have. As soon as she picks up the phone I start crying again. She says she'll ask her dr if they were saved on the computer and if they were she'll get copies for me. She gives me her cell number so if I need her this weekend I can get her directly. I call funeral homes. The first one says it would cost $275. The second one says they've never had that situation before and they'll check and to call back later. I'm not calling back. The third doesn't open till 10. I won't call them back either. We'll just buy a cactus for her. I don't feel right about cremating her anyway. I get on ebay and start stalking a cactus.
It's 10:51 and I'm still waiting on mom to get here. She said she'd stop by the store and get me some pads and klenex. I'm getting crampy. I hope this is it. I hope I can find my daughter's remains. I hope I can take a picture or something and that everyone doesn't think that's nasty and gross. When PG and I were talking about it, he kept saying she's been gone so long and is so tiny I probably won't find her. I said that would be worse for me. He said it would be easier for him. I said she's my BABY. She might as well have been a baby I carried to term. I had a name. I had plans. I had dreams. All gone. He wasn't at that point. I feel bad again.
July 23, 2009
8w0d
Feeling pretty good today. We got our appt with Lisa rescheduled for Tuesday at 7:30. YAY!
Zollie has been very VERY fussy the last few days. I'm feeling very touched out, and he just wants to be held all the time and nurse all the time...it's wearing on me. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that I shouldn't be fussing at him so much...I know I'm hormonal and he doesn't deserve to be yelled at just because he wants attention. But I've got a VERY short fuse right now!
I've got a pretty exciting few days coming up. Tomorrow, PG's roomie from college - Kiru - is coming to visit. They lived together for a couple of years in the dorms and then went to med school together. He was a groomsman in our wedding, too. I haven't seen Kiru since maybe med school graduation so I'm SO excited to see him! He's never met our kids and doesn't know I'm expecting again. I think Crystal is going to drop by tomorrow to see him as well. We were all very good friends back in college.
Saturday, Kiru will probably be here till lunchtime or so, and then PG is going to go help his sister move. I've got a homebirth meet-up at 4pm that I'm very excited about too. Then church on Sunday, then just 2 more days till we see Lisa!
I can't wait to have our interview. I know PG has a lot of questions for her...we need to come up with a good list. The questions I have are mostly "have you delivered and twins/breech babies" and about what the normal tests she does are and whether we might be able to file those with insurance.
I'll get another pic next week. *I* think I'm showing more, but it could just be wishful thinking.
Feeling pretty good today. We got our appt with Lisa rescheduled for Tuesday at 7:30. YAY!
Zollie has been very VERY fussy the last few days. I'm feeling very touched out, and he just wants to be held all the time and nurse all the time...it's wearing on me. I'm trying to take it in stride and realize that I shouldn't be fussing at him so much...I know I'm hormonal and he doesn't deserve to be yelled at just because he wants attention. But I've got a VERY short fuse right now!
I've got a pretty exciting few days coming up. Tomorrow, PG's roomie from college - Kiru - is coming to visit. They lived together for a couple of years in the dorms and then went to med school together. He was a groomsman in our wedding, too. I haven't seen Kiru since maybe med school graduation so I'm SO excited to see him! He's never met our kids and doesn't know I'm expecting again. I think Crystal is going to drop by tomorrow to see him as well. We were all very good friends back in college.
Saturday, Kiru will probably be here till lunchtime or so, and then PG is going to go help his sister move. I've got a homebirth meet-up at 4pm that I'm very excited about too. Then church on Sunday, then just 2 more days till we see Lisa!
I can't wait to have our interview. I know PG has a lot of questions for her...we need to come up with a good list. The questions I have are mostly "have you delivered and twins/breech babies" and about what the normal tests she does are and whether we might be able to file those with insurance.
I'll get another pic next week. *I* think I'm showing more, but it could just be wishful thinking.
July 19, 2009
7w3d
Is it just me, or am I already showing???
DH says I've had this pooch since Zollie was born, but comparing it to the 5wk pic I took...um...I look bigger to me. Anywho, we made it through the whole beach trip without MIL asking if I was pregnant! Woot! So I guess if I *am* showing, it's not enough to set off her preg-dar. Still feeling pretty good, still eating plenty. Haven't thrown up yet, though Zollie has had a couple of diapers that PG had to change because I was gagging myself silly.
Looks like I might have to change my mw appt...PG is on call that Saturday I'm pretty sure. HUGE bummer for me...I really wanted to go see her! And it's not a real appt that I could just do myself, it's supposed to be our interview so it is VITALLY important for PG to be there with me. This might put off telling parents for another month, though if I really am showing now I don't think we can hide it for aother month.
Ian keeps saying he wants God to put a baby gurl in my belly. We haven't really told him yet that there IS a baby in there, I just keep saying "I would like that, too" He's so cute. He's going to be a great big brother again.
July 12, 2009
6w3d
Felt quite nausious this morning trying to get the boys ready for church. I actually gagged a couple of times. I think I'll take that as a good sign!
I have been really concerned about the health of his pregnancy because it is SO different from my first two. I laid in bed a few nights ago, just praying for God to give me a sign that everything was ok. I begged and begged and finally this picture of a yellow butterfly flashed through my mind and I said "Ok, God...give me yellow butterfly, then I'll know everything is ok". That night I dreamed I was in labor and my awesome hb mw was there (even though I was on a hospital bed? I dreamed I had the other two in a hospital too, so I'm not so worried about that) but my mom wasn't there, and the baby was crowning and I said "I can't have her till Mom is here!" so I just stopped pushing and mom finally got there and out came my beautiful little girl!
I dreamed the other two were boys pretty early on, so I'm feeling pretty sure this one is a girl. Between that dream, and the fact that Ian says maybe 5 times a day "I want God to put a baby gurl in your belly", I'm fairly confident. LOL
So what do I see fluttering right across my path as we're walking home from church today? A yellow butterfly. I totally know what I'm painting on my belly cast this time!
First appt with my midwife is the 25th. It can't get here fast enough. My mom wants us to go to White Lake with her the first week of Aug, so that seems like a good time to tell her I'm pregnant.
On a sad note, PG is hiking up in the Smokey Mountains with Kenzie (my sister) and her boyfriend Adam. They haven't been able to call today, probably no reception, but they called last night when they were fixing to set up camp and PG said "you would have died...I'm so glad you didn't come" Apparently the first day was a LOT of uphill...my sister (who is in great shape) said it was horrid. Adam, however, is apparently a machine. PG said he was barely out of breath!
On a sour note, I told my sister Suzanne today about how I might be able to work as a midwife's assistant and her first words were "can't you get arrested for that" She's never been in favor of us having a homebirth. We can't even really talk about it. I'm seriously having second thoughts about inviting her to the birth. She was at both the boys' births at the birth center, and was great taking pictures and rubbing my feet, but if she's not going to be supportive, I don't know that I want that kind of negative energy here. Maybe I'm just too hormonal. We'll have to see how things play out as the pregnancy progresses. I'll probably wait till 7wk to do a belly shot at this point. Trust me, nothing has changed.
Felt quite nausious this morning trying to get the boys ready for church. I actually gagged a couple of times. I think I'll take that as a good sign!
I have been really concerned about the health of his pregnancy because it is SO different from my first two. I laid in bed a few nights ago, just praying for God to give me a sign that everything was ok. I begged and begged and finally this picture of a yellow butterfly flashed through my mind and I said "Ok, God...give me yellow butterfly, then I'll know everything is ok". That night I dreamed I was in labor and my awesome hb mw was there (even though I was on a hospital bed? I dreamed I had the other two in a hospital too, so I'm not so worried about that) but my mom wasn't there, and the baby was crowning and I said "I can't have her till Mom is here!" so I just stopped pushing and mom finally got there and out came my beautiful little girl!
I dreamed the other two were boys pretty early on, so I'm feeling pretty sure this one is a girl. Between that dream, and the fact that Ian says maybe 5 times a day "I want God to put a baby gurl in your belly", I'm fairly confident. LOL
So what do I see fluttering right across my path as we're walking home from church today? A yellow butterfly. I totally know what I'm painting on my belly cast this time!
First appt with my midwife is the 25th. It can't get here fast enough. My mom wants us to go to White Lake with her the first week of Aug, so that seems like a good time to tell her I'm pregnant.
On a sad note, PG is hiking up in the Smokey Mountains with Kenzie (my sister) and her boyfriend Adam. They haven't been able to call today, probably no reception, but they called last night when they were fixing to set up camp and PG said "you would have died...I'm so glad you didn't come" Apparently the first day was a LOT of uphill...my sister (who is in great shape) said it was horrid. Adam, however, is apparently a machine. PG said he was barely out of breath!
On a sour note, I told my sister Suzanne today about how I might be able to work as a midwife's assistant and her first words were "can't you get arrested for that" She's never been in favor of us having a homebirth. We can't even really talk about it. I'm seriously having second thoughts about inviting her to the birth. She was at both the boys' births at the birth center, and was great taking pictures and rubbing my feet, but if she's not going to be supportive, I don't know that I want that kind of negative energy here. Maybe I'm just too hormonal. We'll have to see how things play out as the pregnancy progresses. I'll probably wait till 7wk to do a belly shot at this point. Trust me, nothing has changed.
July 5, 2009
Everyone is back to being healthy! We're still skipping church today, because PG doesn't want anyone to get sick and then blame him for it. There seems to be SUCH a stigma about swine flu... it's almost like people see it like a nasty STD heh...
Anyway, revamped EDD is Mar 4, now. We told all three of our sisters yesterday, because we've decided I shouldn't go on the hiking trip this coming weekend, and they would have known something was up. We've told them that under no circumstances should they tell ANYONE. We already have planned how to tell our parents and I don't want that messed up.
I've had actual "morning" sickness this time...nausious and weak till lunchtime, and then RAVENOUS the rest of the day. PG is shocked at how much I"m eating. I am too! My nipples are also REALLY sore. I've been putting Zollie off a lot when he wants to nurse...trying to limit it to maybe 4-5 times a day and twice at night. Even with a good latch, it feels like he's biting me.
I can't wait till the 25th for our midwife appt! I've been making a list of questions for us to ask Lisa when we get there. Ian keeps saying he wants a gurl baby because he already has a boy baby and he needs a sister. That kid cracks me up. He's going to be a great big brother (again!). I can't wait to really tell him that there is a baby in my belly...thus far we've just been saying "how would you like for mama to have another baby?" because we don't want him saying something to his grandparents.
I'm going to try to do weekly belly pics...I'm a couple of days late for my 5wk, but here it is:
June 30, 2009
Talked to Lisa, my hb mw and we have an interview on July 25! I'm soooo stoked! I have very few questions for her, having doula'd at a birth she attended recently, but PG has quite a few, I'm sure. Or at least he will once he can think clearly.
PG found out Monday morning that he has swine flu. He's been battling a really high fever (103), nausia, fatigue, malaise, acheyness, etc. since then. So far the boys and I are ok. I've been drinking Emergen-C every day and fluid loading. Zollie is still nursing plenty, and Ian is eating well. Praying PG feels better soon. He's so miserable.
Haven't been very hungry today. Had a glass of milk for breakfast, bowl of beef stew for lunch, half a grapefruit and chicken and rice soup for supper, bowl of icecream for a snack. (Fish Food...)
Because the first two tests had such faint lines, I think DH was not really convinced I was pregnant, so he had me get another test today. Line was MUCH darker, so he's definately convinced. I think it was good for me, too, because I haven't been feeling a lot of morning sickness yet, which is unusual for me. It made me feel a lot better seeing a darker line.
((PG ended up having Swine flu. He and the boys took Tamiflu, but I couldn't, being pregnant. PG was the only one who got sick.))
PG found out Monday morning that he has swine flu. He's been battling a really high fever (103), nausia, fatigue, malaise, acheyness, etc. since then. So far the boys and I are ok. I've been drinking Emergen-C every day and fluid loading. Zollie is still nursing plenty, and Ian is eating well. Praying PG feels better soon. He's so miserable.
Haven't been very hungry today. Had a glass of milk for breakfast, bowl of beef stew for lunch, half a grapefruit and chicken and rice soup for supper, bowl of icecream for a snack. (Fish Food...)
Because the first two tests had such faint lines, I think DH was not really convinced I was pregnant, so he had me get another test today. Line was MUCH darker, so he's definately convinced. I think it was good for me, too, because I haven't been feeling a lot of morning sickness yet, which is unusual for me. It made me feel a lot better seeing a darker line.
((PG ended up having Swine flu. He and the boys took Tamiflu, but I couldn't, being pregnant. PG was the only one who got sick.))
June 27, 2009
Well, it's official...I gagged pouring a bowl of cereal this morning! That makes me feel better...not that I like being nausious, but just that to me that means a healthy pregnancy.
Today I ate:
Breakfast: cheese crackers, few almonds, apple juice
Snack: handfull of almonds
Lunch: peanut butter on graham crackers, water
Supper: 1/2 peanut butter sandwich, 1/2 pink grapefruit, cup raw broccoli with ranch dressing, water
Snack: banana/strawberry/yogurt smoothie
Still waiting on the midwife to call me back. Missing PG...he's helping his uncle move this weekend and won't be home till tomorrow night. I was at least productive today...got 2 loads of laundry done and the dishes washed!
Today I ate:
Breakfast: cheese crackers, few almonds, apple juice
Snack: handfull of almonds
Lunch: peanut butter on graham crackers, water
Supper: 1/2 peanut butter sandwich, 1/2 pink grapefruit, cup raw broccoli with ranch dressing, water
Snack: banana/strawberry/yogurt smoothie
Still waiting on the midwife to call me back. Missing PG...he's helping his uncle move this weekend and won't be home till tomorrow night. I was at least productive today...got 2 loads of laundry done and the dishes washed!
June 26, 2009
June 26, 2009
LMP started May 28.
EDD March 7, 2010
Last night, walking home from church league softball practice, I was talking to PG and my sister Kenzie about how it was day 28 so I could technically POAS, or just wait a couple of days to see if I would have another period. PG said "You've still got a pregnancy test in the bathroom closet...why not use it?"
So we all ran home, I pee'd in a cup, and put the drops on the stick.
And waited.
With Ian and Zollie, the lines were always dark and appeared before the control line. So after about 30 seconds had passed, I said "Oh well, maybe next month" and dumped the cup in the toilet. Then I heard Kenzie gasp...then PG gasped. And they handed me the test. And there was the *faintest* line...but it was a line! So of course Kenzie and I got all excited and giddy, and PG said I should get another test in the morning just to check since it was so light. So first thing this morning, PG headed off to work and he told me to go get a test and call him with the results. So I retested and, again, it was faint...but defintely a line!
So we're officially pregnant! And I am SO excited because I get to have a homebirth this time! I called Lisa (the mw I really want to use) and left a message, and then called my two best friends, Crystal and Glynis. We are (cautiously) excited! Well...I'm excited, PG is cautious. He knows I've said before how devistated I would be to miscarry, so he told me today to remember that a lot of early pregnancies don't last, and to not take it too hard if this one doesn't, because it wouldn't be my fault. I realize that, but I would still be very very sad. Anyway, I'm doing a lot of praying for this baby to grow and be healthy. I'm cutting out caffiene and starting the Brewer diet. Yay baby!
LMP started May 28.
EDD March 7, 2010
Last night, walking home from church league softball practice, I was talking to PG and my sister Kenzie about how it was day 28 so I could technically POAS, or just wait a couple of days to see if I would have another period. PG said "You've still got a pregnancy test in the bathroom closet...why not use it?"
So we all ran home, I pee'd in a cup, and put the drops on the stick.
And waited.
With Ian and Zollie, the lines were always dark and appeared before the control line. So after about 30 seconds had passed, I said "Oh well, maybe next month" and dumped the cup in the toilet. Then I heard Kenzie gasp...then PG gasped. And they handed me the test. And there was the *faintest* line...but it was a line! So of course Kenzie and I got all excited and giddy, and PG said I should get another test in the morning just to check since it was so light. So first thing this morning, PG headed off to work and he told me to go get a test and call him with the results. So I retested and, again, it was faint...but defintely a line!
So we're officially pregnant! And I am SO excited because I get to have a homebirth this time! I called Lisa (the mw I really want to use) and left a message, and then called my two best friends, Crystal and Glynis. We are (cautiously) excited! Well...I'm excited, PG is cautious. He knows I've said before how devistated I would be to miscarry, so he told me today to remember that a lot of early pregnancies don't last, and to not take it too hard if this one doesn't, because it wouldn't be my fault. I realize that, but I would still be very very sad. Anyway, I'm doing a lot of praying for this baby to grow and be healthy. I'm cutting out caffiene and starting the Brewer diet. Yay baby!
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