August 14, 2009 - The loss of our little girl

Yesterday - August 13, 2009 at about 1:30pm - we found out our baby had died.

That morning I was at Michael (the boy I babysit)'s house and I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of red in my panties. I had had a little brown once or twice before, but never red, so I was immediately concerned. So of course I started rationalizing. Well maybe when I was "cleaning up" I scratched my cervix or something...or maybe it was tripping over the dog last night - maybe that just jarred things a little.

But within 30 min there was red mixed with brown every time I wiped. I paged PG. I called Glynis and left a message for her to pray. I called Crystal and got her to call Lisa (my midwife) since I couldn't call long distance from Michael's house. Crystal started a prayer thread on CMF for me.

Lisa called me back and I told her what was happening. She said not to panic...sometimes women bleed and nothing is wrong...but she suggested that I see if I could find an OB office that would let me come in for an u/s just to see what was going on. PG called back and I told him what was going on. He told me to call around and let him know and he would meet me whereever.

I called Greenville OB/Gyn first because I knew the midwives there were cool with homebirthers, but none of the appointments people were there (it was lunch time) and I really didn't want to wait an hour+ to find out if I could be seen. So I called Carolina Women's Physicians where DeEtte (a CNM friend of mine) works and asked to speak to her. I told her I just needed to see what was going on, and would her OB be ok with me coming by. She said she would talk to her and call me back. In about 10 minutes she called back and said to come right over, they would get me back as soon as possible.

Michael's dad came to watch all the boys and I met PG and picked him up and we went to the dr's office. Insurance paperwork, then they took us straight to the u/s room. The technician asked when my last period was, but I couldn't think straight. I said "I know I'm 11 weeks today...can we find a calendar" and she counted back and said "Does May 28 sound right?" and I said yes...that was right, I just couldn't think of it at the time. So I laid down on the table and she put the nasty goo on my belly and started looking. I could see my uterus and a dark shape in it. It didn't look baby shaped, so I was almost scared to ask if that was the baby, so I just watched. She asked if I was sure of my dates and PG told her oh yes, she's pretty obsessive about the dates.

The tech measured some things and typed some things and I finally asked said "So what are we looking at..." She said "well this is the fetal pole" and I know I said "So there *is* something in there?" I was actually not even thinking about a heartbeat or anything...I was just happy to hear that I *WAS* in fact pregnant. This pregnancy had been so different...I was never sick or anything...I had been doubting the whole time that I was actually pregnant at all...Kept thining I should take another test just to make sure. Then she said "But I...I'm sorry to say I can't find a heart beat. I'm sorry to have to tell you that."

Reality struck me. It didn't matter that there was a baby on the screen...it wasn't alive. I just bit my bottom lip and tried to hold back the tears. She did another couple of measurements and said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks. BAM. Another smack from reality...she died before the drama with my inlaws. Before my interview with Lisa. Before I had that brown discharge after sex a couple of weeks ago. Before we told Ian or anyone at church or ANYONE that we were even pregnant. She was already dead.

The tech wiped off my belly, gave us some klenex and said she would just leave us alone for a bit and a nurse would come get us to do my vitals and such. I didn't really cry. I was numb. 1000 thoughts going through my head. I need to call Lisa. I need to call mom. Oh God we have to tell everyone. I can't do that. Who will get the boys? My baby is dead. I won't have a homebirth for my 30th birthday now. My birthday will suck. Every year. I will know I should be having HER party and won't. Numb.

The nurse came and had me sit at their little vitals station and took my blood pressure and pulse. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. We went back to the exam room and another nurse came in and took my history. She was polite, but never said she was sorry or anything. I wish she had at least said she was sorry.

Then DeEtte came in. As soon as she walked in we both started crying and I just hugged her. I'm so so glad she was there. We talked about what to expect, how since it had been 4 weeks I really needed something to happen soon because I could get an infection. She gave me a perscription for cytotec to use intervaginally if things didn't happen on their own, and 2 scripts for pain meds. I knew I wouldn't use them. I fold my klenex into interesting shapes. She said that once I miscarry to call and make an appointment for a week afterwards for another ultrasound to make sure nothing was retained. PG asked how long we should wait before using the cytotec and she said no more than 5 days. I just nodded. Cytotec is scary. It causes uterine rupture. I don't want to use it. I don't want a D&C either becaue it could scar my uterus or cause incompetent cervix.

DeEtte says she hates this...but it is one of those things that comes along with having a big family...I know that...it doens't make it hurt less. She hugs me again and says to call if she needs anything. I toss my klenex...it's in pieces by now. I get new ones on the way out the door.

We walk out. I try not to cry as I pass all the happy pregnant women. They shouldn't need to worry about their babies dying. A couple of people give me knowing looks as we leave. I wonder if they have had losses, too?

We get in the car and drive back to where PG's car is parked. I make him call mom and my sisters on the way. I can't talk on the phone. He starts all the calls with "We've got some bad news...Vallere's had a miscarriage." I cringe. I hate that word. It doesn't say what happened. What happened was that our BABY DIED. Miscarriage is such an ugly word...I told him that...that I'd rather he say we lost the baby because that's what happened and miscarriage is ugly. He said he's sorry, he didn't know it bothered me. I didn't either until he had said it. I hate I made a big deal out of it...now he's feeling bad.

We swap seats and I tell him to leave me the phone so I can call Crystal on my way home. He says he needs to check in at work first, so he gets out and talks to his boss for a minute. I lose it and cry in the car. He hangs up and opens my door. "You want me to ride home with you?" *nod nod nod* I get back in the passenger seat. We drive home. I call Crystal. She comforts me. I tried to call Victoria to tell her I wouldn't be at the LLL meeting tonight and could she cover for me. No one answers. I don't want to leave a message. I'll call back later.

PG wants to stop by church to let our pastor know. I call Glynis while he's inside. She weeps with me. She had been praying all day. I hope she doesn't blame God.

PG comes back. The pastor wasn't there - PG left a message with the secretary. We went by and picked up the boys. Ian gave me a sweet kiss as he got in the car. Will we tell him? We get home. PG calls his sister and uncle. He goes outside to call his mom. He comes back in and the phone starts ringing. He says not to answer it, it's her, she knows I don't want to talk, but she wants to leave me a message. She's crying so hard I can't understand her. Good, I think. I hope she's upset after what she said.

My sister and her boyfriend come by. The boys are asleep but they are going to take them for the night once they wake up. We sit and chat. They turn the topic to D&D. I try to hang but I keep zoning out. Our pastor comes. We talk a little. He asks what happened so I tell him about the dr's office. I keep saying she and he asks if we had seen that it was a girl and I say no, I dreamed it though. He asks what will happen now and I say I hope it happens on its own, she'll be very tiny but I hope we can find her.

I realize I didn't ask for an u/s picture. I realize I need to figgure out what to do with her remains. I can't talk anymore. Everyone is talking but me. I wish they would leave. I just want a nap or a shower or something. I just want me and PG. Dave goes to get me some BoBerry biscuits because I haven't eaten all day. I eat one and drink some milk. I'm not hungry.

I say that I need a nap. Pastor takes the hint and leaves. The boys wake up. PG helps them move the carseats into their car and I pack the boys a bag. I love them and I want to be with them but I want to be alone too. I don't want them to see me crying or in pain. I don't know when "labor" will start.

I realize I never called anyone else about the LLL meeting. I feel horrible...I hope no one came.

PG says he needs to get his mind off things and asks if it's ok if he still goes to play softball tonight. I say sure. I figgured I would just take a bath and go to bed anyway. He grieves differently from me...if he needs to go that is ok. He goes to the game. I take a shower. I cry. The hot water feels good. I check myself and my cervix is short. That's good, I think. It was long yesterday. Maybe things will happen fast.

I go back downstairs to post on Facebook and check email and CMF. Everyone is so sweet. It makes me cry to see so many moms who have been through this. The support is so nice. PG comes home and plays online some, then calls his uncle back. They talk for a while. He needed that.

We talk about what to do with her remains. Whether to have genetic testing done. Whether to name her. He says all those things make it harder on him. Now I feel bad again that they are so important to me. We go to bed. We lay and talk for a while. We decide that we have to name her Anna Zophia becaues it would be weird to name another baby that name now. We talk about whether to buy a plant for her or to have her cremated and make a garden stone. I say I'll call some funeral homes tomorrow and ask about prices. He asks if he can go to work. My mom is coming...I'll be fine. He needs to go to get away from here.

We sleep. All night. The first night I've slept all night since I was pregnant with Zollie. I dreamed about being chased. Again.

I hear crying. Is that Ian? Back to sleep. I hear crying? Zollie? Ian? Then I realize they aren't here. Is it the dog whining? Where is PG? I listen. He's in the shower bawling. Do I go to him or does he want to be alone? I go. I reach in and hug him. We cry. He says he was just imagining holding her in his hands and telling her he was so so sorry. I told him that whatever was wrong with her is fixed now. She's all perfect now. But I still miss her and it still sucks and I hate it. We cry some more. I go back to bed. I can't sleep. PG gets ready for work. He says to call if I need him.

I get up and play online. Distraction. I call DeEtte to see if there are any copies of the u/s pics I could have. As soon as she picks up the phone I start crying again. She says she'll ask her dr if they were saved on the computer and if they were she'll get copies for me. She gives me her cell number so if I need her this weekend I can get her directly. I call funeral homes. The first one says it would cost $275. The second one says they've never had that situation before and they'll check and to call back later. I'm not calling back. The third doesn't open till 10. I won't call them back either. We'll just buy a cactus for her. I don't feel right about cremating her anyway. I get on ebay and start stalking a cactus.

It's 10:51 and I'm still waiting on mom to get here. She said she'd stop by the store and get me some pads and klenex. I'm getting crampy. I hope this is it. I hope I can find my daughter's remains. I hope I can take a picture or something and that everyone doesn't think that's nasty and gross. When PG and I were talking about it, he kept saying she's been gone so long and is so tiny I probably won't find her. I said that would be worse for me. He said it would be easier for him. I said she's my BABY. She might as well have been a baby I carried to term. I had a name. I had plans. I had dreams. All gone. He wasn't at that point. I feel bad again.